Permalink Happy 07 Time!

December 31, 2006 at 11:59 pm

One of the magical features of the posting system that astridas installed is the 'Future Posting' option. This allows me to write up a bunch of bullshit then set the time I want it to show on the site. For instance, I am writing this on the morning of the 31st but it won't show up on the site until Midnight. Pretty ingenuous eh? This way I can be out drinking while you guys think I'm still doing my Internetz job!

Anyway, I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year and rehash the same old New Years Eve image we've been using since .. forever.

Happy New Year

PS: This guy got so totally owned. Or as we're saying since the Saddam execution, he was "totally hang3d."

Edit: Apparently I suffer from downs syndrome because I put the date as 12/31/07. Fixed..

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Categories: General

In 140 words by smurf Email - 439 views


Permalink GAME TIME!

December 29, 2006 at 05:03 pm

Saddam's CardI haven't been this psyched for an event since game 4 of the 2004 World Series. Tonight, around 10PM EST, Saddam Hussein will be hung from the neck during a public execution. I'm not huge on the Iraq war but politics aside, I can't wait to see this piece of shit die.

Tonights menu includes:

1 bowl of extra-butter popcorn
1 gallon of eggnog
6 bottles of Mad Dog beer
1 pair of comfortable pajama pants
1 ratty old Red Sox t-shirt
1 comfortable couch
1 public hanging.

Get psyched guys. Unfortunately due to "international human rights laws" the hanging won't be broadcast live but you can bet your balls that someone will have a video camera and the footage WILL be on the Internet by tomorrow morning or perhaps even tonight.


Hell, I give it a week before FOX has a television special out called "Saddam: If he hung, this is what it would have looked like."

Update: Saddam was officially killed at around 9 PM CST according to about 3 different Iraq television stations.

Update Dos: I uploaded a copy of the video that contains his final moments to YouTube. Unfortunately I haven't seen anything showing the actual hanging but I'm sure that'll come soon. YouTube = shit. I uploaded the video about 9 hours ago and it's STILL not approved.

Update Tres: A few videos of the actual neck snapping have finally dropped. You can check it out here, here, and here.

36 comments

Categories: Politics

In 232 words by smurf Email - 574 views


Permalink Darwin was a fucking liar

December 29, 2006 at 11:00 am

Crying EmosNew Port Richey, Florida — A teenager has been hospitalized with facial injuries caused when a bullet he found fired while held in a vice, the Pasco County Sheriff's Office reported Wednesday.

The victim, Alex Carman, 15, was taken to Bayfront Medical Center with injuries to the right upper cheek.

Investigators say the Riverridge H.S. student found a 380 bullet on the side of a road, brought it home and put it into a vice. He apparently struck the primer end of the bullet with a metal screw, causing it to fire.

They say a 22-caliber bullet pierced with a screw was also found near the vice. On the ground was a hammer and a small pool of blood.

Investigators say it "appears Alex placed the bullet in the vice, hammered a screw into the primer causing the bullet to explode."

They say it appears to be an accidental injury. There were no charges.







The sad part is that this kid won't die. Instead he'll reproduce and we'll be stuck with more people like him in the future.

For shame mankind. For shame.

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Categories: General

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Permalink Merry Christmas 2007

December 22, 2006 at 01:00 pm

My Miserable Christmas

I'm not a big fan of the winter holidays; mainly because I run out of egg-nog and xanax before the festivities end and I'm forced to deal with real life. Fortunately there ARE people with worse Christmas memories and this amazing site helps spread their stories. There's no quick pick-me-up quite like reading about how some emo kid had their mom die on Christmas Eve from SuperAIDS.

These are my two favorites so far:
231. Stepdad’s side of the story (12/20/06) - Shane, Boston, Age 51

About 17 years ago I married a woman I loved very much but she had a son from a previous marriage. We didn't get along too well. He was the kind of person who would be an asshole just to get a rise out of you.

For a while we all did OK, then last fall she developed a crack habit. When Christmas rolled around I was enjoying a nice bottle of '86 Bordeaux to celebrate and she walked up behind me and hit me with a plate of water crackers. In a daze, I started to fight back and hit her son on accident. She fell onto our glass coffee table and cut her eyes so badly she's nearly blind now.

She pressed charges and her shithead son testified that I stabbed her eyes out with a goddamned corkscrew. They believed him and are taking 17 years of my life. I've never been a violent person, but if I ever get out of here I am going to take his eyes and make him eat them.
200. The Christmas “ho” (12/14/06) - Anonymous, West Virginia, Age 30

My worst Xmas was when I was 14. I had been a latch-key kid for a few years (and was really starting to develope some serious personality disorders due to it), and on Xmas Eve, the few hours that my mom was going to be home, she took me shopping with my boyfriend. Upon returning home (and after mom left) my boyfriend sweet talked me into having sex (my first time, but not his). Well, mom came home early and caught us in the act and took my boyfriend home and yelled at his parents, who told the entire town over the next few days. By the time school was back in after the holiday vacation, I was greeted by the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" which stuck for many years. I ended up pregnant but had a miscarriage due to a disease he gave me, which has prevented me from ever having children.
I absolutely love how the second one blames Christmas for turning her into a slut. Anyway, unless something interesting happens in the next few days consider this the official Merry Xmas post (aka I've already broken into the nog so I don't plan on being coherent until December 26th :))

Etc: Check out these hot as hell photographs that Ran sent me of Scarlett Johansson as a Pussycat Doll. Merry Christmas indeed!

19 comments

Categories: General, Celebrities

In 490 words by smurf Email - 292 views


Permalink Kwanza? A dick in a box!

December 22, 2006 at 12:41 am

Remember the days when the Miss America title meant something? It was more than just a crown, it was a lifestyle. Save the whales, peace on Earth, the elimination of illiteracy, and free makeovers for ugly chicks. No longer my pals, no longer. The Miss * world has recently been ROCKED by some crazy scandals.

Miss Nevada The first incident involved Miss USA failing a drug test for coke and allegedly making out with Miss Teen USA. Fucking hot, huh? Unfortunately nobody was kind enough to get photographs so she got to keep her crown and we had to spend a few days jerking it to the IDEA of them making out covered in cocaine and groping for each others wet spots. The incident was talked about on late night talk shows and whined about by almost every celebrity that thinks we give a shit what they have to say.

And now for the MORE FUNNER story.. only 2 days after the above shit happened, someone realized it would be a perfect time to expose Miss Nevada as being a whore as well. They busted out the following photos of her taking her clothes off and making out with other chicks. She was only 17 at the time the photos were taken (now it makes sense why canada.com doesn't have uncensored ones) and she has been stripped of her crown as Miss Nevada 2007.














This post was ridiculous and sloppy but I had to share the photos so it won't hurt my hearthole if you didn't read a single fucking word I said. Sorry.


Edit: The uncensored photos have finally leaked and Miss Nevada made a press release stating that she was of legal age when the photos were taken so now you can masturbate guilt free if 'legal chicks' is your thing.

6 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Pornography

In 298 words by smurf Email - 507 views


Permalink It's my smurf in a box!

December 18, 2006 at 06:48 pm

I stopped watching SNL a few years ago but I've recently choked to death laughing at a few of the Saturday Night Live Digital Shorts (most notably 'Lazy Sunday' and 'Natalie Portman Raps'). This video is the newest to join the ROFL category and mad wigger props go out to Justin Timberlake for having the balls to make a song like this.

Dick In A Box

I know I don't usually post video-only entries but I've been singing this song since 10 AM this morning and I can't stop giggling every time I look under the Christmas Tree in the living room.

5 comments

Categories: Entertainment

In 97 words by smurf Email - 371 views


Permalink When the Knicks suck, bad things happen

December 17, 2006 at 01:01 am

I'm one of those people that grew up being an NBA fan but grew out of it as the league got more and more immature, cash oriented, and "street." I started watching college ball instead but every so often an event will occur that will be entertaining enough to draw me back for an episode or two of NBA Fast Break or whatever the ESPN equivalent of Baseball Tonight is.

The most recent event being the balls-out fists-swinging brawl that took place in Madison Square Garden today between the Knicks and the Nuggets. For the first time that I can ever remember, all 10 players in the game at the time were ejected (including current scoring leader Carmelo Anthony) and half of them are probably going to face fines and suspensions.

Knicks Vs. Nuggets 1
Knicks Vs. Nuggets 2

This is bringing back memories of the Pistons/Pacers fracas a little over 2 years ago. Unfortunately it wasn't as entertaining this time around because there weren't any Detroit douchebags getting their faces stomped on or threatening to riot afterwards (see whiney anonymous guy? I can insult Detroit too.)

7 comments

Categories: Sports

In 178 words by smurf Email - 463 views


Permalink Joel Zumaya is a nerd

December 14, 2006 at 12:05 pm

If you're familiar with baseball then you're probably familiar with potential All-Star Tiger reliever Joel Zumaya. Even if you're not familiar with baseball you might know him as 'that messican guy that can hit 101 on the radar gun.'

Joel had to miss half of the ALCS during the playoffs this year because of a wrist injury. Most people thought it was because of his powerful 'pitching mechanics' and some dirty people (like myself) just made constant jokes about his faulty 'masturbation mechanics.'

The truth has finally been revealed:
Fireballer

The Tigers are satisfied they won't see a recurrence of the right wrist and forearm inflammation that sidelined Joel Zumaya for three games of the American League Championship Series.

Why? Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT-AM (1270) on Wednesday the team had concluded Zumaya's injury resulted from playing a video game, not from his powerful throwing motion. "That was probably what was taking place," Dombrowski later told the Free Press.

Zumaya, 22, was known to play "Guitar Hero," a PlayStation 2 game in which a player uses a guitar-shaped controller to simulate the performance of popular songs.
Not quite as entertaining as it could have been but still amusing nonetheless that a man that could make my head explode from a fastball spends his free-time during the playoffs playing a videogame that was made for 6 yr olds that want to look like they're playing the guitar. You're awesome Joel Zumaya.

PS: SportsCenter was sponsored by Guitar Hero 2 this morning. Way to capitalize Sony.

14 comments

Categories: Entertainment, Sports

In 253 words by smurf Email - 1279 views


Permalink Karen O and her Dem O

December 12, 2006 at 03:47 pm

I'm picking up on this story a little bit late so bare with me if you're already familiar with what happened.

Karen O's Demo

Yesterday morning a collection of songs entitled 'Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) - K.O. At Home' was released on the Internets. The album was found in an apartment previously owned by TV On The Radio musician David Sitek. Just another leaked demo, no story here right?

Well there WAS no story here until Mr. Sitek decided to go fucking crazy on the Internet (probably a MySpace or Blogspot blog, way to be mainstream indieboi). Check out his response.

=> Read more!

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Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment

In 768 words by smurf Email - 895 views


Permalink Paris Hilton reaches new whoring levels

December 11, 2006 at 04:21 pm

Sure kids, pushing the envelope is fun. Seeing how far you can take something just for the hell of it is a good time; but enough is enough. Paris Hilton has reached all new levels of whoring that even I wasn't sure was possible. She has managed to straddle the line of incestuous love with her not-as-slutty-but-still-way-up-there sister Nicky.

These photos were snapped at the Playboy Mansion recently. I know that I pledged to stop being shocked by the things she does but even I am bewildered by this.

Whore Twins

The comparison has already been made on 20 websites but Ass-To-Ass from Requiem For A Dream much?

Edit: For those of you that didn't read the words at the top of this post, I'm looking at you grayscale, that is her SISTER that she is rubbing her ass on and getting freaky with.

8 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 141 words by smurf Email - 669 views


Permalink Black People > White People > Indians > Asians

December 08, 2006 at 04:17 pm

A new report has come out that explains why the Indian assholes that call me every day asking if I'd like to purchase cheap viagra or phentermine are so god damned uptight when I threaten to rip off their fucking AIDS riddled cocks and perform a back alley abortion on their god damned motherfucking little sisters. STOP CALLING ME YOU TERRORIST ASSHOLES.
RubbersA survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research. Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimeter.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavor is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimeters shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.
Ok, I'm calm. Next time I receive an unauthorized call from an Indian telemarketer while I'm watching Desperate Housewives you can bet I will respond with some variation of a small-cock insult mixed with some very off-color AIDS humor.

Awesome remote control:

Hi Mom

7 comments

Categories: General

In 256 words by smurf Email - 381 views


Permalink HornyManatee Dot Com

December 08, 2006 at 12:17 am

I love you Conan

A couple of days ago Conan O'Brien did a sketch in which one of his band members was getting off to a naked manatee on webcam. They cut back to Conan and he ad-libbed with "Haha, he's on HornyManatee.com"

That's all good and funny except that NBC's standards department threw a shitfit. Apparently their TV shows aren't allowed to reference a non-existent domain name without first purchasing the domain; so NBC had to go out and buy hornymanatee.com for the next 10 years. The writers took it a step further and made the site into a quasi-porn kingdom complete with a manatee webcam show. They then took it ANOTHER step further and requested that everyone create manatee porn fan-art and send it to them.

The Internet did what it does best and produced some absolutely quality photos. Check em out.

Update: I'm watching tonight's Conan episode and worlds have collided. Aries Spears is on and is doing his rapper impression because the Internet made it so famous. Hilarious.

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Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment

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Permalink Momma told you no motherfucking peeking!

December 05, 2006 at 05:07 pm

Its been a while since there was some kind of crazy news to report. Sure, there was the Wii safety manual, the Arby's man arrested for trying to diddle a little girls roast beef curtains, and there was even the banning of trans-fats in NYC that I so badly want to rant about. (WE'RE TURNING INTO FUCKING COMMUNIST RUSSIAN MAN!)

Alas, a very bitchy mother from South Carolina has broken the dry spell. My mom was a real SLUNT sometimes when I was growing up but this takes the cake.
AHH SANTA!A mother convinced Rock Hill police to arrest her 12-year-old son after he unwrapped a Christmas present early.

The boy's great-grandmother had specifically told him not to open his Nintendo Game Boy Advance, which she had wrapped and placed beneath the Christmas tree, according to a police report.

But on Sunday morning, she found the box of the popular handheld game console unwrapped and opened. When the boy's 27-year-old mother heard about the opened gift, she called police.

"He took it without permission. He wanted it. He just took it," said the 63-year-old great-grandmother.

Both the great-grandmother and the mother asked the boy on Sunday where the present was. The boy replied he didn't know.

When the mother threatened to call the police, the boy went into his room and got the Game Boy, the report stated. She called the police anyway.

Two Rock Hill police officers responded to the home and charged the boy with petty larceny. He was charged as a juvenile and released the same day, said police spokesman Lt. Jerry Waldrop.
This reminds me of the story last Christmas where some little fuckwad kids weren't being good like they were supposed to so their father gave away all of their presents (including a brand new XBox 360 that was going for about a grand on eBay at the time) to the first person to respond to his Craigslist ad.

Except that father wasn't a total bitch and his kids got to grow up without a criminal record.

Update: I just read that the mother is 27 and the child is 12. This means that the mother was 15 when she popped this tiny thief out of her vagina. It's all starting to make a bit more sense as to why she is a shit parent and should be put in the stockades while wearing nothing but a g-string and a hard-hat.

12 comments

Categories: General

In 401 words by smurf Email - 504 views


Permalink R. Kelly, IAAM

December 02, 2006 at 01:34 am

R. Kelly

Ugh.. R. Kelly. What the fuck am I to do with you? I was on your side when you screwed that underage girl on tape. She asked for it. I was on your side when you pissed on her face. She asked for that too. Hell, I even clapped for you when I heard that you fucked Gary Sheffield's wife on camera while they were still married. He's a fucking prick and she's a whore.

But this time you've gone too far man.

One of my friends showed me this video from a few months ago in which you 'crunk up' The Star-Spangled Banner. You know what that is right? It's the national anthem of the United States of America. It symbolizes our freedom (ya know, the freedom that kept your child diddling ass out of jail) and is a motivation to our country. It is customary to take off your hat while the song is sung and the majority of people even go as far as to place their hand over their heart. Yet you throw some "CLAP YO HANDS", some "HOT BEATZ", and some "BOOTY DANCIN" in the middle of it. That's a fucking abomination and you should be sent down to Cuba where we keep all those dirty Arabs that may or may not have committed a crime.

As my good jewish friend Nfs would say, you are nothing but an ignorant african american male, and I'd piss on YOUR face if I ever had the chance. Good day.

18 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 252 words by smurf Email - 318 views


Permalink Hippity Hippity Hoppers

November 30, 2006 at 05:41 pm

I had some dental surgery this morning and I'm still pretty stoned off Nitrous Oxide so bare with me.

EMOKID!

There has been a lot of bullshit surrounding Michael Richards anti-niggle rant a few days ago, including Mel Gibson reaching out a hand, but maybe something decent will finally come from it. A bunch of them there hippity hoppers have banded together and vowed to stop using the word 'nigga' in their bouncey bass BITCHES N HOES music. I found that pretty interesting until I read the article and realized that the main person taking this vow was a white rapper named Paul Wall. Since when was it EVER ok for cracker rappers to use the word 'nigga?' That's not even the most interesting thing in the article tho, read this:

"Its not just rappers its as African-Americans in general, we do a lot of things that are opposite of past history," Chamillionaire said. "We wear flashy jewelry and brag like its a trophy, when people in the present and past history would get killed for the diamonds. We promote violence and drugs but complain about violence and drugs. We don't vote but complain about who is in office. We throw the 'n-word' around like its a good thing, when in the past it was one of the most dreadful words. All this stuff has grown to become a part of the culture."

I'm not entirely sure I'd be proud of the fact that my culture is hypocritical in it's embrace of violence and drugs but maybe that's just me?

In more shocking news, FOX has sent out C&D letters to QuicksilverScreen and other websites that LINK to TV shows on YouTube. Apparently they believe that linking to a site with infringing video files is illegal. Luckily for those of us that haven't seen every episode of Firefly, QuicksilverScreen told them to go fuck themselves. Way to stick it to the man!

6 comments

Categories: General, Entertainment

In 324 words by smurf Email - 419 views


Permalink Paris Hilton creates another whore

November 28, 2006 at 09:49 am

Paris Hilton does magic tricks. She takes regular people and talks them into going clubbing with her without wearing panties. She is an absolute whore and it amazes me.

Her most recent trick was talking Britney Spears into showing off her twat outside some boring Hollywood club. Unfortunately, the photos didn't look real so most people (like myself) immediately dismissed them as being photoshopped. I, much like many other websites, didn't even find the material worth talking about because it looked so fake.

That made Britney and Paris angry. They cried emotears with each other and devised an evil plan to get Britney frontpage headlines. Neither of them are very high in the IQ department so their evil plan consisted of .. showing off her vagina AGAIN! This time she would do it in a way that would make it impossible to be called a fake. She would show off her horribly disgusting C-section scar and be the IT girl all over again..

Britney Spears Vagina

There are a lot more photos here (including disgusting close-ups) if you're into the whole post pregnancy ex-pop star floppy vagina thing. Be my guest.

Update: Britney has whipped out her vag yet again. This is the third time in a week. It's not really even news anymore and has become comparable to Lindsay Lohan crashing her car, Tara Reid nipple slips, and Paris Hilton sucking every cock she sees. I'm bored now.

27 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 235 words by smurf Email - 369 views


Permalink 1337 h4x0r!@#

November 26, 2006 at 11:00 pm

Happy Day after the Day after Black Friday which is the Day after Thanksgiving!

LEET HACK SORE

I spent my Thanksgiving weekend drinking eggnog until I vomited because all of my family and friends jewed me and left me at home to eat frozen pizza. I spent all day today willing away my hangover and doing classwork that I should have done the past few days. It's because of this that I have no real post of any kind prepared so just watch this video and laugh a little bit inside at how far behind the rest of the world is from the Internetz.

I wish it was possible for someone to e-mail me some fucking aspirin.

13 comments

Categories: Geeknology

In 114 words by smurf Email - 259 views


Permalink Michael Richards

November 22, 2006 at 02:46 pm

Let me first say this, I fucking hate Seinfeld. I think that the entire show was unfunny garbage and that George/Kramer were the only sparkling points in that piece of shit sitcom.

KramerOk, now that that's over with. You've been living under a rock or with homeless people at the beach if you haven't already heard about Michael Richards (Kramer) going ape shit on a bunch of black dudes that interrupted his stand-up routine in LA. He said, and I quote, "Shut up! 50 years we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass. You can talk! You can talk! You can talk! You're brave now, motherfucker! Throw his ass out, he's a nigger. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger! Look there's a nigger! Ooh. Alright you see, this shocks you, it shocks you to see whats buried beneath you stupid motherfuckers!"

The media had a literal field day over this, but failed to mention that the black dude in the audience called him a "cracker ass" and a "honkey." So one incident of racism is wrong, but racism responding to racism is ok? Awesome.

A few days later Richards pussied out and apologized for being a racist. I figured it was all over and done with but I was wrong. Two people mentioned earlier today that they were attending one of his shows a few months ago during which Richards went into an anti-Jew rant. He screamed at a heckler, "You fucking Jew! You people are the cause of Jesus dying!" He continued yelling about the Jews until he walked off the stage.

I'm not really shocked that yet another celebrity shows their racist tendencies. What I AM shocked about is finding out that the stereotype about blacks is totally wrong. They don't just talk loudly during movies, they talk loudly during stand-up comedy routines too!

Zing!


10 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 316 words by smurf Email - 513 views


Permalink Screech's sex tape finally arrives

November 22, 2006 at 02:19 pm

After way too much hype, that I happen to be guilty of, the sextape starring former Saved By The Bell actor Screech is finally here. I didn't even think I would care by now, but after watching the first 10 minutes, I'm still amused.

I'll do this high school essay style. There are four main points of interest I would like to touch on before I give you guys a bunch of screenshots and a few links to rapidshare that probably won't even work 20 minutes from now.

1. Yes, he does give one of the bitches a Dirty Sanchez. It's disgusting but funny because it's degrading to women and such.
2. One of the women in the tape was a bride-to-be. This was her bachelorette party, her last day as a 'free' woman, and she fucks Screech. I bet her husband is proud.
3. Neither of the chicks is hot so don't get TOO excited. You would think someone with Screech's star power could at least rack up a few 8 or 9's.
4. The company releasing the tape has the best promo idea ever. The DVD box has a scratch and sniff sticker on it. Brilliant.

Screech!

=> Read more!

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Categories: Celebrities, Pornography

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Permalink Eva Green, I think I love you .. too bad you're French

November 20, 2006 at 09:53 am

Eva GreenEarlier this weekend I set out to see the newest James Bond movie, Casino Royale. I'd been pretty psyched to see it ever since we found out that Daniel Craig was going to take over for Pierce Brosnan and that the movie would be directed by the same guy that did Goldeneye.

Needless to say I was very pleased with the movie and enjoyed it quite a bit. Daniel Craig put on a brilliant "I'll slit your throat then go eat some pie" look but the real show stopper was the newest Bond girl, miss Eva Green. I was watching the movie and noticed how stunning she looked; however, I couldn't shake the thought that I knew her from somewhere.

About 2 hours into the movie she puts on a dress that shows off her huge rack and all of a sudden it hits me. She was in an independent French film called The Dreamers in which she fucks actor Michael Pitt .. as well as the actor who played her brother (ew.) The movie was pretty terrible and the only reason I even watched it was because it was rated NC-17 and I needed some jerkoff material at the time.. and it did not disappoint. Ms. Eva Green is naked during about 60% of the movie. She gets fucked a few times, eaten out once or twice, and does some other crazy shit.

This Thread Is Worthless Without Pictures

O RLY? Well then it's a good thing I've got some. These are obviously not safe for work.

Eva Green nude in The Dreamers:
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PS: Happy Birthday roadie and new Britney sextape news.

5 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment

In 274 words by smurf Email - 637 views


Permalink More PS3 crap

November 18, 2006 at 08:27 pm

Since the PS3 launched yesterday more and more stories have been released of violence and mayhem between people waiting in line. I'm going to share some of the more interesting ones.

PS3 LaunchWest Hollywood, CA - Adam Carolla makes fun of the nerds waiting in line and decides to offer them a VERY expensive trip to the famous Bunny Ranch to bang a hooker in exchange for their place in line. They all decline.

Putnam, CT - Two teenage "thugs" decide to rob a group of people camping outside of a Wal-Mart. A man refuses to hand over his cash so one of the robbers shoots him twice in the chest.

Bumfuck, KY - A group of people committed a drive-by shooting with BB guns as shoppers waited in line outside of a local Best Buy. Four people were hit including an ugly television reporter that was interviewing someone at the time.

Tysons Corner, VA - A crowd of people were waiting outside of a mall for the opening and when a few of them got out of where police told them to stand in line .. the cops shot pepper balls at them.

Elk Grove, CA - Two gunmen robbed a store of their entire PS3 inventory as well as a few XBox 360s. The description of the men? One was black, one was a messican. Stereotypes will never be wrong if people like this keep backing them up.







The stories I just listed make up about 15% of the violence surrounding the Playstation 3 launch. I had about 30 more stories to pick from, ranging from cops beating people with batons to people getting injured while playing musical chairs. Amazing.

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Categories: Geeknology

In 277 words by smurf Email - 487 views


Permalink The Game is up

November 18, 2006 at 12:07 pm

If you're one of those people that pays attention to the hippity hop wars, then you probably know who The Game is. But if you're like me, then the only thing you need to know is that The Game is some rapper that had his homies try to shoot 50-Cent. That makes him A+ in my book.

However he also happens to be one of those prima-dona celebrities that think they're above the law.

The GameThe Game charged with impersonating cop

NEW YORK - Police think The Game should stick to rap, not law enforcement.

The rapper was arrested this week after telling a cab driver that he was an undercover police officer and persuading the driver to run a series of red lights, police said Saturday.

The 26-year-old, whose real name is Jayceon Taylor, allegedly picked up a livery cab Thursday night shortly after he appeared on "Late Show with David Letterman." The cabbie drove about 13 blocks before he was pulled over, police said. Taylor faces a charge of impersonating a police officer, said police Sgt. Kevin Hayes.

His lawyer, Jeffrey Lichtman, denied the accusation Saturday, saying police had been tailing his client throughout his stay in New York and that the cabbie was a terrible driver.

"This is really a new low even for the NYPD," Lichtman said. "It's a big joke to harass him and other members of the hip-hop community, and ultimately arresting him. Let's see how funny they think it is during the cross-examinations of this trial."

The rapper was told to appear in court on Dec. 12, Lichtman said.

It's been a while since someone has used the "It's cause I'm black, isn't it?" defense. How refreshing..

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Categories: Celebrities

In 280 words by smurf Email - 348 views


Permalink Fucking PS3

November 17, 2006 at 12:51 pm

The Sony Playstation 3 officially went on sale today.

I've never been so disappointed in myself. I spent the past 2 months laughing at everyone buying pre-orders of PS3s and camping outside of Best Buy. I knew that the early PS3 units would suck balls plus I sure as fuck didn't have enough money to sink into a $700 video game console that I'd probably play twice a month.

What I didn't expect was this:

NEW SONY PLAYSTATION 3 PS3 60GB PREORDER CONSOLE SYSTEM - $15,100.00 ending bid.
SONY PLAYSTATION 3 PS3 - 60GB Premium System NIB! NR! - $10,100.00 ending bid.

WHAT THE FUCK? It is making me seriously sick to my stomach to think that if I had waited in line with all those nerds at Circuit City that I could have sold it online and made enough money to pay back ALL of my college loans.

PS3

Update: I was just shown this auction. At first I snickered a little bit at the line that said 'I will not SEND THIS TO YOU DAUGHTER WHO IS GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN NIGERIA AND THIS IS HER GRADUATION PRESENT so dont ask.' Out of curiosity as to what he said to make his auction only worth a grand, I keep reading and found this absolute gem as to how he got his PS3:

i went out wednesday afternoon to the local walmart to start camping out. when i got there, there were already 12 people ther so i got in line being number 13. i talked around and found out the first 6 people there had been there since monday, total hardcore nerds all planning to keep them. bragging about how only they should get the system since theyve been there the longest. how they are so dedicated and how if you dont want to do the time, you shouldnt get a system. generally being complete assholes. good for them. we had a hours to pass so we became friends and played some cards and whatnot. the 6 guys in front kept to themselves and didnt associate with the rest of us. we were cool with each other leaving the line to get food, bathroom, smoke, etc since we all knew each other and as long as they were back in 30 minutes. i was about to leave to go buy some KFC for a good number of us and when i stepped out of line, one of the nerds shouted that if i left, i would lose my spot. the other guys told him that they were vouching for me and that i was just getting food but those 6 assholes didnt care. they said i leave, i lose my spot and that was the rules and they would call the manager (they had his number) to come out and enforce it. i said whatever and stayed in line.

a few hours later, the manager came out and told everyone that there were only going to be SEVEN available. they have them in their store and theyre not getting anymore. he told the people after # 7 they should leave if they wanted to not waste their time. me being number 13 should have left but i didnt, i wanted to stick around for a little bit more. everyone else left except me and the 7 other people that were getting it for sure. so the day goes on and i try to make friends with the nerds. i play mario kart on the ds with them and talk to them about the games they were getting. about an hour or 2 later, i tell im gonnna head home since im 8 in line and theres only 7 ps3s. one of them made some stupid joke about if i leave the line then i aint getting back in!! har har. so as im about to leave, i tell them im going to the vons next door and if any of them wanted any food or coffee and id bring it back to them. one of them said yea and all the rest like sheep followed and said yes too. they were gonna give me money but i told them it was on me since theyve been out here since monday. the 7th guy in line wanted some food and coffee and i told him id buy some for him also.

so i go to vons and buy 8 coffees, some food, and some x-lax laxatives. i bring it to my car and put some laxatives in 6 of the coffees and seperate them from mine and #7s. i pull back to walmart and bring all the drinks and food upfront. i give #7 his stuff and then the coffees with laxatives to the 6 nerds annd wish them good luck and go back to my car. i park it around the corner so i can still see them.

about 30 minutes later, #2 and 3 in line get up and it seemed like they were yelling to the other nerds. they both ran into walmart. seconds later (i guess all nerds have the same biology) #5 gets up and runs across the parking lot and into the trees and bushes somewhere. #1 is scrounging for this portapotty type thing he'd brought with him but he is squirting everywhere and all over his pants and their sleeping bags. he runs into walmart. at this time, i start my car and drive back to the walmart to claim my spot in line. when i get there #4 and 6 are gone but i dont know where. #7 is laughing his ass off so hard and i just smile at him. i call up 5 of the other people that i had made friends with that were in line with me ( i had their phone numbers cause i was gonne buy to food for everyone) and told them to get back to the walmart ASAP and get in line. Meanwhile, me and #7 threw all their shit into the parking lot and i claimed my spot as #1, him as #2. 4 and the people i had called arrived and got in line just as 1 of the nerds came running back and got #7. he started yelling saying they need their spots back. we all told them to fuck off, out of spot, out of line. it was all of us against him so he didnt say shit. the nerds came back and tried to start some shit but we just laughed, we told them it was their rule and to go fuck themselves and clean the shit off their pants. the called security and security came. security man was like WTF is that fuckin smell and looked at the nerds with shit all of them and kicked them off the grounds screaming LMAO. so that is how i got my ps3.

10 comments

Categories: Geeknology

In 1116 words by smurf Email - 526 views


Permalink K-Fag and Whore

November 15, 2006 at 03:25 pm

I know I just posted not more than 10 minutes ago but this image amused me so much I couldn't help myself.

K-Fag

Remember in 7th grade when guys would write things like "Amy is loose" and "Nick is a faggot" on the bathroom doors at school? Apparently Kevin Federline is still stuck in 7th grade because this is how he rolls.

Talk about thug lyfe. I miss the happier days of LIL CHEETERS.

Update: Check this amusing bit out.

Federline is now scrimping where he can. He and his entourage of eight wannabe rappers showed up at downtown burlesque joint Corio for a comped dinner that would have cost him $1,200, a source tells us.

An eyewitness at the next table reports, "He just kept ordering more and more food and then asked for it to be put in containers so he could take the food out to the clubs with him. Then he started putting napkins in the tops of the tequila and vodka bottles and stuck them under his coat trying to sneak the liquor out with him. It was really unbelievable to watch. The guy obviously has enough money to buy a bottle of liquor on his own without trying to sneak it under his coat."

5 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 207 words by smurf Email - 212 views


Permalink FUCKIN HIT THAT NIGGA FUCKIN SHIT LIL PEANUT

November 15, 2006 at 03:13 pm

I try really really hard not to get into a racist state of mind about people but videos like this seem to make that impossible. I just don't fucking understand what is going on in the minds of these guys.

Last night I watched this thing on the local news where a church gave this black family a 75 thousand dollar house because the family lost theirs in Hurricane Katrina. No more than 3 months later, the family sold the house for 60k in cash, bought a brand new Jeep and went back to live in the slums of New Orleans. The news crew tracked them down and the nig family accused the white reporter of being a racist and that if God didn't him to sell the house then he should have said something. Way to go.

Black People

(I couldn't find a funny 'black people' image so uh.. ;X)

5 comments

Categories: General

In 147 words by smurf Email - 444 views


Permalink Momma said ARF ARF my nizzle H O V

November 14, 2006 at 07:21 pm

That post I made the other day seemed like I was sucking off YouTube's googcock so why not do it again?

I'm not a fan of rap altho I do enjoy mainstream guys like DMX and Jay-Z. It's because of this enjoyment that I find the following video so absolutely hilarious. Remember one of the only funny guys from MadTV, Aries Spears? If not, he's the black guy that isn't Phil LaMarr. I bet you know who he is now don't you? Racists.

Check the vid:

Aries Spears

This just proves that all black people can rap, right?

13 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 96 words by smurf Email - 743 views


Permalink Her milkshake makes me vomit

November 14, 2006 at 08:00 am

Remember that song about a year ago where that girl sings "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard"? The video was pretty hot and I think I even jerked off to it once or twice. The song was uncharacteristically catchy for an R&B pop song and Family Guy even went so far as to parody it. A few months later Nas married the singer, and all seemed well. Everyone was left with a happy memory of a one-hit wonder that was semi-bangable.

Unfortunately it is time for that image to be tarnished. Here are some recent photos of the singer, Kelis:

Kelis

Kelis

Ew.

7 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 106 words by smurf Email - 216 views


Permalink 'Heroin Chic' is so 1993

November 12, 2006 at 03:19 pm

I'm sick of talking about Britney Spears and stupid whores like Paris Hilton. In fact, I'm pretty bored with everything right now so I'll insult someone that not many people know.

There's this girl named Cory Kennedy. She's one of those people that is semi-internetz-famous for partying and being generally worthless as far as society is concerned. She got this way because some pedo photographer invites her to all of the parties he is paid to take pictures at.

There's a few big differences between her and models that do the same thing. To begin with, she is ugly as fuck. She has that homely 'heroin-addict that climbed out of a dumpster' type look. Unlike supermodels that shoot up smack between appearances on the runway, nobody really WANTS to see this girls face. Trust my opinion on this, because she's only 17 years old, and not even I want to tap that.

Cory Kennedy

She does have some decent tits tho. In any case, now you have a bit of knowledge about someone that I hate. This knowledge will never ever help you in life nor will you feel smarter for knowing who this waste of life is. The internetz is a fickle mistress and sometimes I just really don't understand why people like this get e-fame.

STOP BREATHING UP ALL OF MY AIR YOU WORTHLESS CUNT.

3 comments

Categories: General

In 224 words by smurf Email - 361 views


Permalink You're going DOWN Baldwins!

November 09, 2006 at 01:50 pm

Let me tell you a story about how my numero uno nig astridas and I were on vacation a few months ago. We had purchased a bunch of tickets to some professional baseball games so we were staying at a hotel in the middle of nowheresville for pretty cheap. During a lapse in the games, we got bored and decided to watch TV. After a few minutes of channel surfing we realized that the list of what was on was pretty slim. It went something like this:

Prelude to a Kiss - Starring Alec Baldwin
Sliver - Starring William Baldwin
The Devil and Daniel Webster - Starring Alec Baldwin
Fled - Starring Stephen Baldwin
Infomercials - Surprisingly NOT starring any Baldwins

We decided on watching Sliver because Sharon Stone got naked (A LOT) and both of us could have sworn we'd seen this movie before. Two hours of HORRIBLE film and 15 shots of William Baldwin butt ass naked later, I made a conscious decision. I despised the entire Baldwin family and I would revile in any pain and misery that they endured.

My dreams have (partially) come true!

Daniel BaldwinSANTA MONICA, California (AP) -- Actor Daniel Baldwin was arrested on suspicion of stealing an SUV.

Baldwin was stopped Wednesday by officers in Santa Monica who saw him in a white GMC Yukon reported stolen in neighboring Orange County, authorities said.

The actor was taken to jail and booked for investigation of grand theft auto. Bail was set at $20,000.

"The car belongs to an acquaintance of Mr. Baldwin, but he had no permission to take it," said Jim Amormino, a spokesman for the Orange County sheriff's department.

The 46-year-old actor made news in July when he drove a rented car at more than 80 mph through Los Angeles traffic and crashed into two parked vehicles.

In April, he was arrested for investigation of cocaine possession, although prosecutors declined to file felony charges.

All is right in the world again. You're going down Baldwins, you're going DOWN!

In other funny celebrity news, watch this video.

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Categories: Celebrities

In 341 words by smurf Email - 385 views


Permalink Britney Spears is now single

November 07, 2006 at 03:56 pm

Haha. I expected this day to come about 2 years ago but better late than never. Celebrity gossip website TMZ reports that Britney Spears has filed divorce from wigger/wrassler husband Kevin Federline.
Britney and KevinTMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences." In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She's also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney's fees.

Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman's show. Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was "a string of events."








Do you think the "string of events" could possibly be that K-Fag's rap career is failing, his cd is getting shit reviews, or that he's just a generally douchey piece of white trash?

It's really too bad. Not the divorce announcement and all that shit but the fact that a waste of life like Federline managed to make Britney Spears go from 'hot as fuck chick dressed as a catholic school girl' to 'borderline decent looking mother with a loose twat and 2 bastard children.'

At least we still have their sex tape to look forward to. I'm sure it will be on sale VERY soon. Hey, with an iron-clad prenup, how else is K-Fag supposed to make a living?

12 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 284 words by smurf Email - 436 views


Permalink Motivational Posters - Part 2

November 06, 2006 at 02:08 pm

For background info on my newfound obsession with motivational posters read this post. My cynical muscle is a little tired so the three I made this time around aren't nearly as cruel. Enjoy.

Candy

=> Read more!

13 comments

Categories: General

In 86 words by smurf Email - 2447 views


Permalink Saddam is a dead man

November 05, 2006 at 09:30 am

It's about fucking time.

SaddamBAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- The Iraqi High Tribunal in Baghdad on Sunday sentenced a combative Saddam Hussein and two other defendants to death by hanging for a brutal crackdown in 1982 in the Shiite town of Dujail.

Despite a curfew, Iraqis in Baghdad spilled out into the streets to celebrate the verdict. But protests were held in Saddam Hussein's hometown of Tikrit.

"The Saddam Hussein era is in the past now, as was the era of Hitler and Mussolini," said Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, calling Hussein the worst ruler ever in Iraq.

One less Yankee fan on the planet! He's almost as bad as these douchebags.
PS: Thanks go out to whomever submitted Eluid to Fark. The increase in traffic was fun.

10 comments

Categories: Politics

In 126 words by smurf Email - 348 views


Permalink Motivational Posters - Part 1

November 04, 2006 at 01:35 am

After waiting in line to vote for almost two and a half hours yesterday, I spent last night at a sports bar, then I came home and watched a hilarious episode of Law And Order (starring Chevy Chase as Mel Gibson spouting off anti-semitic phrases).

Then I was bored.. and tooms was bored.. and when we're bored together, bad things happen. The incident that happened to spur this bad thing was my stumbling across this motivational poster creator. We spent the next hour and a half creating images that used 100% of our funny muscles.

These are the results:

Domestic Abuse

=> Read more!

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Categories: General

In 185 words by smurf Email - 3370 views


Permalink Scarlett Johansson Sextape?

November 03, 2006 at 03:13 pm

I've gotten the privilege to write about some great stories in my time but nothing tops this. Ladies and gentlemen, there is an alleged Scarlett Johansson blowjob audio + partial videotape out there. I never thought I'd see the day. The people from this website have a copy of it and are looking to sell it. Here's some of the info:

It all started when I was walking near the sound tent and my buddy waived me over, smiling and chuckling to himself. He handed me a pair of headphones and informed me that (the actresses) mic was still on … she gets into a vehicle and shares some sweet talk with a guy. I thought she had a boyfriend, but I don’t recognize this guy’s voice … There is some rustling, then the vehicle door opens … She reclines the seat and gets back in. Skip ahead, here is some more sweet talk, then some more rustling, then they start kissing and so forth … THEN, for twelve minutes and forty seven seconds, she gives him the sexiest blow job I have ever heard capped off by the words “Yeah, cum”.

Now the site won't release who the sex tape is of to the general public until they speak to a lawyer. The general consensus was that the tape was of Hollywood Hoebag Lindsay Lohan for obvious reasons.. who else would be skanky enough to do something like this? Then the website posted a few hints for those that had more curiosity. The first hint was that the actress is currently shooting a movie (Scarlett). The second hint is that the actress has a VERY distinctive deep voice (Scarlett). The last hint was a bright red letter A (Ever read The Scarlet Letter?).

So if this is legit, I will be the happiest man on the planet. If it's not, then I'm going to be a dejected empty shell of a human being .. and I'll go back to waiting for the Screech sextape.

Good God.

Update: Some people have pointed out that the video could be of cradle robbing Demi Moore. The thought behind this is that she was in the horrible cinematic version of The Scarlett Letter. The debate comes because all of her movies wrapped quite some time ago and she doesn't exactly have the most distinctive of voices. I guess we'll see.

52 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 391 words by smurf Email - 33652 views


Permalink Spung you're an asshole :)

November 02, 2006 at 03:20 pm

12 Year Olds!

*** Under absolutely NO circumstances should ANY of the links in this post be clicked! ***

Do you guys have that friend that will constantly show things to you just to disgust you? He's probably the first person that showed you Tubgirl or Lemonparty. You know, that kind of person.

My good friend spung is that kind of person. Our relationship became closer when a few years ago he showed me a porno flick called Blazing Titties. The movie starts off like you'd expect the majority of pornos to do, but it pulls a complete 180 from there. One of the chicks puts a stick in her ass and on the end of the stick is a marshmallow. She proceeds to light the marshmallow on fire and jump on the dick of the nearest male pornstar. While she's riding him, with a lit marshmallow danging out of her ass, she lights another stick on fire and proceeds to deep throat the fire. It was the most amazing and hilarious thing I had ever seen in my life and it became a true bonding experience between us.

Today spung made me vomit up chicken fried rice. He asked me if I wanted to be offended and like any red blooded male I said "fuck yeah!" Big mistake. He passed me this link and I don't think I'll ever be the same person from here on out. Ever.

12 comments

Categories: General, Pornography

In 233 words by smurf Email - 1266 views


Permalink Shanna who?

November 02, 2006 at 11:11 am

Celebrities never cease to amaze me with their constant bitching and childlike behavior. The most recent jaw-dropping event was ex-Playboy whore Shanna Moakler throwing a "Divorce Party" about her split from ex-husband Travis Barker (formerly of Blink 182. While married the couple had a television show on MTV called Meet The Barkers). If you don't find the concept of a "Divorce Party" amusing enough, she advertised it on MySpace by sending a flier (seen below) to her entire friends list. Her friends list which was composed of about 78 thousand MySpace nerds as well as, you guessed it, her ex-husband.

Annoying Whore

And if THAT isn't adolescent and funny enough, Mr. Barker had the idiocy to respond to her comment with a MySpace bulletin to all of HIS friends which ALSO included his ex-wife:

SHANNA IS HAVING A DIVORCE PARTY FOR HERSELF IN CELEBRATION OF OUR FAILED MARRIAGE APPARENTLY….. THIS IS THE SAME WIFE THAT EMAILED ME TO TELL ME SHE WOULD BE SLEEPING WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND IN MY BED THE DAY OF OUR ANNIVERSARY 2 DAYS AGO SO THIS DOESN’T COME AS A SHOCK. AND THE SAME PERSON WHO IS MAKING “I LOVE SHANNA” SHIRTS FOR PEOPLE TO BUY, IN SUPPORT OF ALL THIS AND PLAYING THE VICTIM

It pretty much keeps going on and on like that, in all caps, with shitty grammar, for another few sentences. I guess there is something that we can learn from celebrities, a life lesson if you will. Do not marry Playboy models with fake tits because eventually all you're stuck with are 2 lumps of silicone, a huge alimony statement, and a complete bitch.

PS: Uh oh Google! I'm not sure who I want to win this lawsuit. I love watching videos like this but I fucking hate videobloggers.

6 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 294 words by smurf Email - 251 views


Permalink Check out THAT sideboob!

November 01, 2006 at 09:23 pm

Sideboob!

If you haven't already noticed, we've added a new whored link: sideboob.org. Usually I try to keep the self-whorage to a minimum but let's be honest folks, who DOESN'T love seeing a new sideboob every day of the week?

That's what I thought so do me a favor and check out the site. You can also click the ads while you're there cause papa needs a new Latino hooker! Err.. I mean cause I have hosting bills to pay.

1 comment

Categories: Celebrities, Site News

In 80 words by smurf Email - 319 views


Permalink Happy Halloween

October 31, 2006 at 02:02 am

Bill Maher



If that's not off-color enough, there's always these costumes. My personal preference is the child molesting priest. It's not shocking enough to secure a lonely Halloween night masturbating by yourself, but it's still edgy enough to have everyone at the party talking.

Anyway, I've decided to start a new tradition. I'm going to post my favorite freaky story of all time on each Halloween. Hopefully by the year 2010 repetition will have helped me immerse the entire United States in this tale. Enjoy.

=> Read more!

9 comments

Categories: General, Celebrities

In 3390 words by smurf Email - 1193 views


Permalink Fuck, the movie!

October 29, 2006 at 12:17 pm

F*CK “Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’” - Lenny Bruce

This site has always existed for one simple but very important reason: To say what we want, about whatever we want, whenever we want, and however we want. We've always been anti-censorship and I'm pretty sure sometimes it shows in our work. It's because of this that I spent 2 hours yesterday watching a "borrowed" copy of the much talked about documentary Fuck.

I try not to sing the praises of movies too often because it tends to raise expectations to a height that can't be reached even if the movie is spectacular (PSST, go see The Departed!); however, watch this movie. If you haven't already gathered the topic of the movie, it's about the word Fuck. It explains the word's origin (or lack thereof), the many uses and meanings of fuck, and why people are offended by four simple letters. In addition the movie contains the opinions of Drew Carey, Kevin Smith, Billy Connolly, Pat Boone, and my main man Hunter S. Thompson. I don't want to give too much more away but the movie is definitely a great piece of insight as to literature and culture.

If you're still interested in seeing the film after reading that last paragraph of cock-sucking I gave it, Fuck will supposedly have a nationwide release on November 10th. If you live in one of those cities that would NEVER air a movie with a dirty word in the title, you can steal it instead. For those with FTP or Newsgroup access, the release name is Fuck.LIMITED.DVDSCR.XViD-2GOOD2BEAFLAMESRLS. If you don't have either of those then you can grab a torrent from here.

Let me know what you guys think.

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Categories: Entertainment

In 301 words by smurf Email - 207 views


Permalink Congrats to the St. Louis .. ehh, who cares

October 28, 2006 at 08:06 pm

It's kind of an obligatory thing for me since I'm such a huge baseball fan. Let me point out a few things before I say my words tho.

This World Series was the lowest rated and least watched WS of all time.
The 2006 Cardinals were, statistics wise, the worst WS winners of all time.

Now that THATS over, congrats to the St. Louis Cardinals and my main man David Eckstein.

WHOA

Pretty impressive feat for the shortest player in Major League Baseball. Not the MVP thing, but the act of downing an entire fifth of Cuervo straight. Hardcore.

Now if you'll excuse me, I lost 25 bucks on the fucking Tigers so I've got some dishes to wash and some toes to suck. Goodnight.

2 comments

Categories: Sports

In 122 words by smurf Email - 512 views


Permalink The Alabama way yo!

October 27, 2006 at 03:52 pm

This is just beyond awkward. My words can't do the story justice so I'm not going to bother with much of a lead-in.
Mom RapeALBERTVILLE, AL -- Police are calling it a shocking crime in Alabama.

Police in Albertville say 19-year-old Gary Helms Junior is charged with raping his 45-year-old mother. Police say he did it to seek revenge against his brother after the two argued over a girlfriend.

The police report says Helms' mother was passed out drunk on the couch when the rape started. She came to and recognized her son during the attack. The police report says his mother tried to get away but Helms held her down until he was finished.

"From what we understand the rape stemmed from an argument between him and his brother. And apparently they were arguing over a girlfriend. And the rape was some sort of retaliation towards his brother ..."
I'm going to try my hand at a crime re-creation here. Stick with me.

Brother 1: Dammit. How dare you call my girlfriend an anorexic semen swallowin yellow belly.
Brother 2: I did it, what nigga what?! Whatchu gonna do now Gary? You a punk bitch.
Brother 1: I'll fucking get you for this. I'll show you!
Brother 2: You ain't shit Gary. You can't see me fool.
Brother 1: THATS IT. IM RAPING MOM!
Brother 2: .. what?

I'd imagine it went a little something like that but I guess we'll never know. What happened is now forever enshrined in the minds of brother 1, brother 2, mom, and the condom. He WAS wearing a condom, right?

11 comments

Categories: General

In 257 words by smurf Email - 663 views


Permalink Bob Corker's daughter is a Hottie

October 26, 2006 at 04:07 pm

Being as I live in what some people might call the "Southern United States", I have to put up with the daily-run smear ads by annoying arrogant Republican douchepole Bob Corker. Every single day he runs a new commercial bragging about his excellent family life, how awesome he is, and how much his opponent sucks balls because he's not married with kids. In fact, just yesterday I saw a commercial where he just had his 2 daughters smiling at the camera. They say hello and near the end of the commercial Bob himself comes up and says "Hello America, I just wanted you to meet my daughters." Then he walks away with an arrogant smile on his face.

Thanks to the magic of the Internet, now we CAN meet his daughters. Or at least one of them.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Julia Corker.

Bob Corker's Daughter
She's the one on the left.

Bob Corker's Daughter
She's the one simulating doggy-style sex behind this girl.

I love the fucking Internet. I still don't understand why people let other people take/post pictures like this online. If you're going to go to a 'No Pants Party', keep it on the DL nigga.

6 comments

Categories: Politics

In 193 words by smurf Email - 1191 views


Permalink Basshunter bangs an Eggdrop

October 26, 2006 at 03:56 pm

A few months ago a Swedish musician named Basshunter wrote an oddly catchy song. The name of the song was Boten Anna and within days the video seemed to spread across the Internet like wildfire. The reason for the songs popularity? Basshunter sung about a bot that he fell in love with on IRC called Anna. The song made it into the pop culture mainstream and everyone familiar with the IRC scene found this utterly amusing.

Story is over, right? Wrong. A short while ago some photos of this mysterious Swedish DJ surfaced. Photos of him banging some chubby chick named Emely.

IRC Porn!

It appears as tho Mr. Basshunter has finally found his 'Anna.'

PS: Watch this commercial.

1 comment

Categories: Celebrities, Pornography

In 118 words by smurf Email - 3253 views


Permalink Boy, did you fuck up John Ale

October 26, 2006 at 12:27 am

ROFL JOHN ALE

If you've been reading this site for a while then you know about my LMAObsession with John Ale and his camgirl diddling. For those that aren't abreast (HEHE) of the story, let me DROP SOME KNOWLEDGE. Mr. Ale was a professional blogger a few years ago when he decided to take some time out of his day to bang an underage camgirl. He got caught, went to jail for a limited amount of time, and pretty much got off scott free. He ended up dating the chick after she had his child. While they were dating, they both lived with their parents. After all, it makes sense to live with your parents when you're a 17 yr old girl .. and a 30 yr old man. Bahaha.

Anyway, it gets so so much better. For years the girl stuck up for John saying that she was almost 18 anyway and he only tapped dat ass because he loved her. Well recently they had some problems and apparently he left her for some other 18 yr old internet chick. It was only a matter of time before she realized that she was just the Lolita flavor of the month and went ape-shit on him.

I did not expect the closet to be emptied of ALL it's skeletons, but somehow she did it. Here are some quotes from her INTERNETZ BLOG:

It’s cool that you are going to compare me to Jenn. However, there are more similarities between her and you than between her and I. For instance, you both have an over-inflated ego. You also both spend most of your spare time talking to middle-schoolers on the internet.

You told me you fell in love in with me for who I was, regardless of age. In reality, you went after me because of my age. I know you act like I was the only younger girl, but let’s be real.

You had pictures of Jenny from Jenny-Girl when she was underage. You sent me photos of Jillian when she was underage. You flirt with every girl you meet on the internet, and only a handful of them are over 21. Yes, Chenoa is legal, but she’s not even a year away from 17, and she’s substantially younger than you. So what, exactly, besides her willingness to come to you, is so appealing?

The reason you go after girls barely out of training bras is because you have nothing to offer a grown woman. You are 33 and still live with your mother. You’ve never had anything really resembling a career. You are socially inept and slovenly. You do nothing but spend your evenings playing DJ and looking for girls to get naked. That is who you are, John.

and the insulting is wrapped up with:

I have lived my life without regret. However, I recognize now that I have made two big mistakes in the last 19 years. The first was meeting you that June. The second was defending you and not letting you rot in jail, because John, you are a douchebag. And by “douchebag” I mean that you are completely unnecessary, potentially harmful, and always an insult to feminine dignity.
Holy fucking burn. I absolutely LOVE the Internet and the pleasure and humor I receive from being able to say..

I TOLD YOU JOHN ALE WAS A DIDDLER 4 LYFE.

6 comments

Categories: General

In 556 words by smurf Email - 720 views


Permalink The ultimate Badass Bitch

October 25, 2006 at 09:46 pm

Finally, something exciting happens. My nig Don showed me this photo of a crazy Chinese lady that went ape-shit today. She tried to slash her wrists with a razor blade in the middle of the road, and when that didn't work she decided to cut her own throat. As badass as this lady is, I have to hand it to the guys that stopped her from offing herself. I personally would not have approached a suicidal chick with razor blades bigger than my cock. Round of applause for you gentlemen.

CRAZY SLANTIE

Rofl, crazy lady. Look at her eyes. (I totally didn't mean that in a racist way.)

3 comments

Categories: General

In 106 words by smurf Email - 454 views


Permalink Scarlett Johansson is SO hot

October 24, 2006 at 03:20 pm

There hasn't been too much in the 'interesting' category going on lately. The World Series hit a record low viewing, society keeps finding new ways to disgust and disappoint me, yet I still keep reading the news for amusement like this.

So when times get slow, I have no choice but to post an amazingly erotic photo of Scarlett Johansson.

Scarlett Is Gorgeous

It's a shame my dick still shoots blood or I'd be coming for her. (Pun TOTALLY intended!)

4 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 77 words by smurf Email - 2297 views


Permalink 7 year old's cleavage?

October 16, 2006 at 08:24 pm

With every day that goes by, the stories get weirder. Here's a chart topper:
Pre-preteenORLANDO, FL -- Mother Says Daughter's Class Picture Was Doctored

A local family is outraged by a school photo. When the pictures came back from the studio, a seven-year-old girl’s image appeared to have been doctored to give her cleavage.

The debate is whether the photo just has a very strange shadow or it's been digitally altered by someone. “It's just bad. It's horrible. She's my baby, not for somebody to look at her like that. She's seven, she's not an adult,” said the girl’s mother, Jenn Truhe.

Truhe cries when she thinks about her daughter’s school picture in disbelief about the class photos she received on Tuesday. “It blew my mind. I couldn't believe that someone would do that,” she said.

The picture showed the 1st grader with what appears to be significant cleavage. The question remains, is it real or is it Photoshop? Photoshop is a high tech computer program that Truhe believes was used to alter her child's picture.

The owner of the studio would not talk on camera, but said the image is exactly what the camera captured when the picture was taken at Keeth Elementary School in August.
Amusing. Now if only someone would ask the mother why she let her 7-yr old go to school on 'Picture Day' dressed in an open jean jacket with a low cut shirt.

In my hood, we call that 'skankwear.'

11 comments

Categories: General

In 250 words by smurf Email - 1195 views


Permalink Dear John Madden

October 12, 2006 at 02:09 pm

One of my friends sent me this e-mail yesterday but with all the plane crash stuff going on I forgot all about it. Enjoy.

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright

6 comments

Categories: Entertainment, Sports

In 963 words by smurf Email - 784 views


Permalink Ground Zero One

October 11, 2006 at 02:52 pm

NEVAR FORGET

Uh ohz. Too bad it wasn't the Yankees team charter.

Update: Oops. Talk about ironic. It appears that the pilot of the plane was actually Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle. My bad :\\

12 comments

Categories: General, Sports

In 31 words by smurf Email - 738 views


Permalink The Yankees Lose!

October 07, 2006 at 06:34 pm

After the Sox finished in a disappointing 3rd place this year, I only had one reason to watch postseason baseball. To enjoy the defeat of the New York Yankees by the Detroit Tigers.

Yankees Suck

Fuck yes. I can relax this Winter in peace.

Update: Check this out.

17 comments

Categories: Sports

In 46 words by smurf Email - 386 views


Permalink Trials and Tribulations of Smurf - An Autobiographical Biography of Biographic Proportions

October 06, 2006 at 06:26 pm

Sometimes I think about writing a book but then I regard the idea as retahded and push it out of my head. Then I have days like I had today and I think about looking for a publisher.

Today's entry would read:

Fat ModelSometimes I like to masturbate before taking a big test. It relieves tension and clears my mind.. plus I love jerking off so any excuse is a good excuse.

I loaded up some kinky homemade amateur porn and whipped out 'ole trusty (my whack rag). After a couple of minutes of feverish action I 'finished up' my mission.. then I looked down. What I saw when I looked down was not the normal white happy smurf juice. In fact there wasn't much white at all, mostly red.

Red. Not white. Blood. Not semen. I tried to gain my composure and reminded myself that this isn't the first time Smurf Jr. has coughed up blood. The same thing happened on New Years Eve last year and I lived through it just fine.

I tossed 'ole trusty (now 'ole rusty, R.I.P.) in the 'ole trashcan and headed downstairs to grab a shower. Halfway through shampooing my hair I got the urge to do some post-orgasm pissing and for the second time in a day blood came out of the wrong hole. 100% pure type A blood. My knees went weak and I grabbed onto the shower curtain so I wouldn't fall over. I finished my shower without throwing up OR blacking out.

After drying off I got dressed and ready to go take my test. I hopped in my car, closed the door, and turned it on. The radio clicked on and Finch - Bitemarks and Bloodstains started playing. If you've never heard this song before, the singer yells BLOOD LOSS BLOOD LOSS for a solid 30 seconds. This caused me to lose it and projectile vomit out of my window.

From there I hung my head and drove to class with puke running down the side of my door. Thus ends another day in the life of Smurf.

I probably wouldn't even read my own book tho, so why bother?

In other less disgusting news, astridas informed me today of a proposition (prop 7) in Nevada that would allow anyone over the age of 21 to legally possess, use, and transfer weed. It would also make it legal for stores to sell it. Unfortunately it would still be illegal under federal law so if a store DID have the balls to sell it they would probably be shut down. What this means is that Vegas will soon have weed stores but you won't be able to find it being sold at the 7-11 on East Fremont. This is still a definite step in the right direction (IMO) and it's absolutely amazing that churches are supporting it. So if you live in Nevada, vote yes on question 7.

Next is the worst scene to ever be aired on cable television. This abomination aired last Tuesday on Nip/Tuck and I'm glad to say that I didn't get the chance to see it live because I'm half a season behind. Luckily for my bloody penis and I ,this video clip makes me never want to inappropriately touch myself ever again.

Last but not least, Dallas Cowboys WR Terrell Owens has co-written a children's book. Ironically, the book is titled "Little T Learns to Share" and deals with a little spoiled brat kid that thinks he is the shit but realizes life sucks when you're the only man on the field. Sound familiar TO?

5 comments

Categories: General

In 599 words by smurf Email - 743 views


Permalink The world takes a step backwards

October 04, 2006 at 11:56 pm

I fucking hate political correctness.
Fat Model Gaultier swaps Size O models for 'Size 20'

Fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier found his own way to comment on the 'size zero' debate - by putting a larger model down the catwalk to show off his clothes.

Dressed in a daring black corsetry, the plus-sized model dwarfed her fellow waif-like catwalk queens.

Clearly more of a size 20 than the controversial model Size 0, this voluptuous woman proved big is beautiful as she strutted down the runway at Gaultier's 30th anniversary show yesterday during fashion week in Paris.













That's not right. I've got to try and level out the playing field with some anti-PC pictures. Let's roll!

Mark Foley

Horse Sex

Jailbait

Ok, I feel better now. By the way, if you haven't already caught South Park's anti-WoW episode tonight, check it out. It made me laugh ;)

I take it back. Only the first 10 minutes were funny, the rest was gay WoW stuff. For shame Trey Parker and Matt Stone, for shame!

18 comments

Categories: General

In 161 words by smurf Email - 1635 views


Permalink Screech Sex Tape!

September 27, 2006 at 03:49 pm

This is the greatest news ever!
ScreechPorn star's name may ring a 'Bell'

NEW YORK, NY - He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."

Pretty soon my list will be complete. MUHAHAHA!

Saved By The Bell stars I haven't seen naked:
Zack
A.C. Slater
Screech
Kelly
Lisa
Jessie
Mr. Belding

Update: A few seconds of the video has been released. Here's a screenshot:

Bringing Sexy Back

Also, the very end of the tape includes a few minutes of Screech talking about what you've just seen. He dares Zack to top him in his sex tape because there's "no way to top a double ended jelly dildo with shit on one end."

Amazing.

12 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Pornography

In 253 words by smurf Email - 27700 views


Permalink John Madden strikes again!

September 25, 2006 at 10:24 pm

FOOTBALL

"A curse upon both your houses!"

I had always thought that was something said in a Shakespeare play but it is not true. That line was said by John Madden after they decided to replace a photograph of his smiling face with an athlete's picture on the box for the Madden NFL video game series. Ever since that fateful day, every football player that has decided to grace Madden NFL with his presence has been hurt or had a horrible season.

This year, the tradition continues. Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander had been selected to be on the game because of his amazing MVP season last year. Alexander went around prior to this season doing interviews about 'The Madden Curse' and saying things like "it won't happen to me" and "there's no such thing as curses."

Unfortunately for him, there is a curse. Today it was determined that Mr. Alexander fractured a bone in his foot during opening weekend and will have to miss almost half of the season. Poor bastard just couldn't say no to the endorsement money and now he's fucked. Let's take a look at the other 8 men that suffered this fate before him:

1999 - Garrison Hearst - Broke his ankle in the playoffs and missed two full seasons recovering.
2000 - Dorsey Levens - Gets cut by the Packers the very next year and ends his career as a nobody.
2001 - Eddie George - Made an embarassing fumble in the playoffs and cost his team their season.
2002 - Daunte Culpepper - Got hurt and his team subsequently missed the playoffs after doing well the prior year.
2003 - Marshall Faulk - Injured himself resulting in the Rams missing the playoffs and eventually his retirement.
2004 - Michael Vick - Fractured his leg in the pre-season and missed 75% of the regular season.
2005 - Ray Lewis - Broke his wrist and ended up having one of his least spectacular professional football seasons ever.
2006 - Donovan McNabb - Missed half of the season with an injury and was forced to put up with an arrogant prick named T.O.

There you have it, the history of The Madden Curse. I can't help but think the cover of next year's game will have a 3rd string lineman from the Cleveland Browns.

10 comments

Categories: Sports

In 379 words by smurf Email - 608 views


Permalink Nothing to do with nothing

September 24, 2006 at 11:23 pm

I've got nothing interesting to say at all except that if you haven't watched this video already, you should.

Max: Stop playing fucking WoW you addict.

9 comments

Categories: General

In 26 words by smurf Email - 212 views


Permalink Jackie Chan porn and FOXFAITH!

September 20, 2006 at 04:39 pm

Jesus loves you, this I know.

That hurts me deep

Let's tackle the most perplexing subject first. Film star Jackie Chan has admitted to acting in a porno 31 years ago. The movie was called "All In The Family" and supposedly was a softcore flick, much like the crap that is shown on Cinemax every night. I'm looking at YOU Emmanuelle and David Duchovny's Red Shoe Diaries! Anyway, Mr. Kung Fu shrugged off the mention of the movie and said "I had to do anything I could to make a living 31 years ago, but I don't think it's a big deal, even Marlon Brando used to be exposed in his movies." Someone has to find the tape and let me know the answers to these 2 questions:

1. With a title like 'All In The Family', was this an AZN incest flick?!
2. Does the 'asians have small penises' stereotype hold true for someone as badass as Jackie Chan?

Ok, time to make a seemless transition into religion straight from tit flicks. FOX Home Video has decided to make their political views even less transparent by creating a new movie release banner titled FoxFaith. They plan on releasing a dozen films per year under the name and have already struck up a contract with AMC Theatres and Carmike Cinemas to release six of them in theatres nationwide. Way to go guys. Part of me is hoping that this decision plus the MySpace purchase will be enough to send Fox into the shitter. The other part of me hopes it doesn't because I'd sure as hell miss Prison Break, The Shield, and Family Guy. Don't fucking blow it Rupert Murdoch.

ONE last thing I want to mention before I publish this. French people are now getting fat too. That amuses me to no end and it honestly writes it's own jokes.

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Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment, Pornography

In 302 words by smurf Email - 474 views


Permalink Clash of the crappy support!

September 19, 2006 at 12:29 am

Firedog

Recently Circuit City created a "tech group" at their store called Firedog. It was meant to rival Best Buy's own group, Geek Squad. Both groups are supposed to solve computer problems (usually for computer illiterate old ladies).

Anyway, I thought it was kind of lame that CC had to create a copycat company. I wasn't aware there was that kind of rivalry until I talked to my homie Mizi. He used to work at CC and he informed me that people from Best Buy would come over and try to hire the CC supervisors for more money, and vice versa. I found this kind of interesting, but even MORE interesting when someone showed me a closer view of their site. It seems that Geek Squad isn't the only thing that Circuit City copied..

-----

Firedog Photo 1 - This photo shows an image that is used on the website for Linksys. Then it shows the same exact photo, mirrored, being used on the Firedog website.

Now I know that a lot of webdesigners use the same image banks but usually when they purchase an image for a high corporation website such as Linksys, they purchase it for life, right? I guess maybe you can give Firedog the benefit of the doubt here.

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Firedog Photo 2 - This photo shows the FAQ from the Geek Squad website. Then it shows the FAQ from the Firedog website. If you look at it, you'll notice that about 75% of the text is exactly the same. Even the order of the questions on the page are the same.

Ok, now I'm not sure exactly how they would defend this one. There's no real benefit of the doubt when it comes to plagiarism. The only excuse I can think of for this is that they were using it as a place holder for the real text; however, when you do something like that, you do NOT have the site go live with that text. Ever. And besides, most "real" designers use Latin for placeholders anyway.

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I'd love to hear what Circuit City's response on this is.

7 comments

Categories: Geeknology

In 350 words by smurf Email - 768 views


Permalink If at first you don't succeed, you may as well begin your heroin addiction.

September 15, 2006 at 07:53 pm

In the past smurf has accused me of not writing anything here on the site. He said something about "not contributing", and "send articles to me for approval", and "for the last time quit sending me nudes". Bottom line is I've gotten a promotion, and an agreement for free internet prescription drugs for every article I write. So let's jump right into it:


First on the agenda, if you haven't heard already, are these three upright citizens from Ridgeway, WI...

On their way to dig up a grave in rural southwestern Wisconsin, the Grunke brothers and a friend stopped at a Wal-Mart to pick up some condoms, authorities said.

Three days later, on Tuesday, twins Nicholas and Alexander Grunke, 20, and Dustin Radke, 20, were charged in Grant County with attempted theft and attempting to have sex with a corpse.

"In different schools that teach you about bizarre behavior, necrophilia is one of those things that you hear about, but never think you'll have to deal with," said Grant County Sheriff Keith Grovier.

A Cassville police officer arrived at the St. Charles Cemetery on Saturday night after a neighbor alerted police to suspicious activity, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The officer found an abandoned vehicle parked near the cemetery. Minutes later, the complaint stated, the officer saw Alexander Grunke walking toward the vehicle, dressed in black and sweating profusely.

After being questioned, Grunke told the officer his brother and Radke were trying to dig up a grave, according to the complaint.

The two drove into the cemetery to find the partially dug grave of a 20-year-old woman who was killed in a motorcycle accident Aug. 27 in Cassville. The diggers had only managed to reach the top of the grave's concrete vault.

Nicholas Grunke and Radke were arrested Sunday morning in Beetown, about eight miles from the cemetery.

The complaint said Radke told police that Nicholas Grunke had asked him to help dig up the Cassville woman's body and take it to Grunke's house, so that Grunke could have sex with it. On the way to the cemetery, Radke said, they stopped by a Dodgeville Wal-Mart to buy condoms "because Nick wanted to use them when he had sex with a corpse," the complaint added.

Grovier said the three did not know the woman but had seen her picture in a newspaper obituary.

...

Radke and the Grunkes were being held Tuesday night in the Grant County jail. The Grunke brothers were assigned a $1,000 bond, while Radke had a $1,500 bond for previous misdemeanor charges of resisting arrest, Grovier said.

Each could face nearly 5½ years in prison and a $17,500 fine.
If there was ever an epic win folks, this is it. Why is it the clever ones always get caught? And is anyone else mildly intrigued by the idea that the obituaries can in fact double over as a singles service? Never one to break the norm, I'll include some file photos.. it actually starts to make more sense once you see their mugs:

Dustin Radke
Dustin Radke

Nicholas Grunke
Nicholas Grunke

Alexander Grunke
Alexander Grunke


The phrase "I'm so goth I'm dead" comes to mind, at least as far as Nick "Quickshovel" Grunke is concerned. As an added measure I'll include, uh, "file photos" of other random folks with the name Grunke who could possibly be necrophiliacs:

Achim Grunke
Achim Grunke

James Grunke
James Grunke

Anna Grunke
Anna Grunke, who herself may or may not be a corpse already, which would make it okay if she were.

What's that? You want a picture of the deceased? Well I want a bionic arm capable of crushing things like kittens, but without more articles to plaguerize to sell a vast reserve of internet pills that's just not going to happen. Quantity, not quality, that's my motto. So go find it your damn selves.

In other news, immigrants from Senegal, wherever the hell that is in Africa, have been deported by spanish authorities. If you ask me they lucked out, that sandwich and 20 bucks should ensure them a spot as chiefs somewhere on their home continent.

Which leaves me with my last item. You all should be getting your asses into the IRC channel, as that's where the real lulz are at! If you don't have an IRC client, first punch yourself square in the testicles as the internet hasn't yet solved this problem for me. Then download a god damn IRC client. It works just like virtually any other chat, only it's a program instead of a web interface. Seriously, a half retarded spider monkey can do it. You don't have the information on how to get there?

Server: eu.undernet.org or us.undernet.org port 6667

Channel: #eluid

That is all.

16 comments

Categories: General

In 776 words by sp0ar Email - 707 views


Permalink AHHHHHHH WHEN CANADIANS ATTACK!

September 14, 2006 at 03:24 pm

If you haven't heard by now, some crazy FRENCH Canadian went on a shooting rampage at a FRENCH college yesterday morning. Here's the big shocker: a lot of people online are saying they don't give a shit because the school was known as a university for arrogant pricks. Arrogant French Canadians? My eyes and ears must be deceiving me, there's no such thing as arrogant French Canadians!

Anyways, like with any other school shooter, this kid "hated authority figures and 'jocks' for their bullying." I'm sure the bullying had nothing to do with the fact that he wore black eyeshadow and nail polish, and he posted things like "My car. It sits in the Darkness. Waiting. Watching." on his VampireFreaks profile (Google Cache). Sure, it probably had nothing to do with his emo poetry, "Anger And Hatred Simmers Within Me", or the fact that he shaved the sides of his head and left the top long. I'm sure it had absolutely nothing to do with that.

It also probably had nothing to do with the fact that he took pictures of himself while trying to look like 'Captain Hardcore!'

Canadian Fag

They probably didn't tease him because his name was Kimveer either; or because he drew pictures of tombstones with his name on them.

Yeah.. douchebag. Find a better way to get rid of your anger, take up boxing or make fun of people on your INTERNETZ website. Works for me.. of course my name isn't Kimveer either ;) Fag.

9 comments

Categories: General

In 248 words by smurf Email - 480 views


Permalink 11 year old spreads HIV and Emmalina nude

September 09, 2006 at 03:24 am

Payback is a BITCH! If you don't have a strong stomach, then I recommend skipping over this story as it's pretty fucked up. But if you LOL at people getting what they deserve, read on..

MILWAUKEE - An 11-year-old girl who allegedly had sex with as many as 20 people as a 16-year-old girl watched and coached her has had HIV since birth, an alderman who met with the family said Friday. Her mother died of AIDS and the girl lives with family members, he said.

Also Friday, the 16-year-old's uncle, Freeman Gurley, 40, and Darnell Chaney, 17, were charged with two counts of first-degree sexual assault of a child in the incident, which authorities said took place Monday in a house on the city's north side.

The 16-year-old girl was charged Wednesday in juvenile court with four counts of being a party to first-degree sexual assault of a child. A 15-year-old boy was charged with two counts in juvenile court. Court records say as many as 20 men and boys took part in the sex acts.

[...]

According to the complaint filed Friday in adult court against Gurley and Chaney, the 11-year-old said the 16-year-old told her she should perform various sex acts on a number of young men at the house Monday and she agreed.

When the uncle, Freeman Gurley, came home from work the teenage girl encouraged the 11-year-old to have sex with him, the complaint said. Initially, the 11-year-old refused but then gave in, the complaint said.

At one point the 11-year-old was performing oral sex on Chaney while Gurley was having intercourse with her, the complaint said.

I can't quite figure out what the most disturbing part of this story is:

The fact that an 11 yr old girl was being railed by a 40 yr old man while sucking off a 17 yr old..
or
The fact that a 16 yr old girl was teaching her how to do this..
or
The fact that an 11 yr old girl can play ignorant and pretend she doesn't know what she should or shouldn't be doing..

Oh well, it doesn't really matter; they all have AIDS now so I get the last laugh and lemme tell ya, I'm laughing HARD.

So Wrong

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Next up in 'The Best Day Ever' is this resurrection of the greatest interview to ever take place. Before I had seen this video, Ben Affleck was nothing more to me than a Hollywood douchebag. Now he's a Hollywood douchebag that is an awesome drunk. Here are my favorite parts of the interview:

[As he molests her chest and she gropes him back]
"It's Sunday morning? That never stopped you before from getting them titties out."

[On how he might appear to the public after this interview]
"I look like I have cerebal pallsy DUR DURRRRRRRR"

[The whore interviewer starts grabbing him back]
"All you want to do is have sex, you don't want to talk.. you don't want to hold me.."

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Last but not least, the newest people to make my shitlist are YouTube videoblogging whores. So with that, it brings me great pleasure to present these nude pictures of famous ex-YouTuber Emmalina. I found them posted on a porn site a few days ago so I'm sure they're old but better late than never, eh?

23 comments

Categories: General, Celebrities, Pornography

In 543 words by smurf Email - 15777 views


Permalink Paris Hilton arrested for DUI

September 07, 2006 at 05:30 pm

Vagina flashing extraordinaire Paris Hilton was arrested today on suspicion of a DUI. Yeah I know, what's new right? Here's whats new, she said that she was speeding along in her Mercedes SLR because she was fiending for a burger. It sounds better coming from her, "I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out burger."

I'll be the first person to call bullshit on this. Does Paris Hilton really look like she eats greasy fast-food cheeseburgers? She's a 46 pound twat-spreading spoiled cunt, not an overweight ex-athlete webmaster Internet geek that enjoys eating Hardees mushroom swiss burgers. Err.. moving on.

Two Paris Hilton articles in a month (or a year) is actually two too many for me, but there was a more interesting reason for this one. Look at this photo of the more attractive and less skanky Nicky Hilton waiting to bail her sister out of jail:

Nicky Hilton

Do you see who she's with? No, not the huge black bodyguard, the other guy. That's actor Kevin Connolly that plays Eric on my favorite TV show Entourage. Is it just me or does he have that "God dammit Vince Drama Turtle Paris, what'd you do this time?" look on his face?

It's too bad he hangs out with such douchebags in real life rather than the awesome people in the show. And I quote:

Ari Gold: "Tell Drama he's on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my cock!"

-----

Update:
Paris Hilton Arrested

Bahahaha.

8 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 252 words by smurf Email - 279 views


Permalink The first Suri Cruise photos

September 06, 2006 at 06:12 pm

Ok, I debated on writing this yesterday but I was talked out of it; then the subject came up in the comments of this entry so fuck it. The first pictures of a young Suri Cruise have finally been released.

Who the fuck is Suri Cruise and why should you care? Suri is the lovechild of my ex-role model Tom Cruise and my ex-celebrity crush Katie Holmes. If you don't know the story, both of them hooked up a little over a year ago and Tom squirted his scientology craziness into Ms. Holmes womb. Less than 9 months later, their child was born. I know, I know, it takes 9 months for a fetus to develop, right? Well that's what I thought, and that's what the media thought too.

Katie went into labor and time passed without any information on the child or any photographs of him/her/it. So the question for the past few weeks has been, 'Is Suri Cruise real? Did they just make this up as some kind of crazy L Ron Hubbard tribute? Is the third chapter of Dianetics about creating a fake kid?' Nobody knew. Hell, Some newspapers even went so far as to get a copy of young Suri's birth certificate; however, yesterday morning some pictures finally surfaced to settle the doubts of some people, but not I..

Azn

My personal theory is that they kidnapped a Korean child and are using it as a publicity stunt to keep the spotlight on Scientology; but that's a story for another day..

Now as to whether Suri is a boy or a girl. I did a little research and they had decided the name before the child's sex was even determined. Well the verdict is in and according to this magazine headline Suri was born a female.

So what does Suri mean? According to my good friend sp0ar, it means the following:

India: It's another way of referring to the MALE god Krishna.
Hebrew: Get the fuck away from me.
Japanese: Pickpocket.

Way to go Tom Cruise.

...

GOD DAMMIT, TELL ME THAT GIRL DOESN'T LOOK ASIAN!@##@!

4 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 350 words by smurf Email - 427 views


Permalink Banksy is my hero

September 03, 2006 at 09:17 pm

Whore

Call me behind the times but I've found a new idol and ironically it took Paris Hilton for it to happen. Over the past couple of weeks a British guerrilla artist by the name of Banksy did what I only wish I had the intelligence (and balls) to do. He took hundreds of Paris Hilton albums from record stores all across the UK and doctored the shit out of them.

He replaced her crappy pop songs with his own remixes that had titles like 'What Have I Done?', 'What Am I For?', and 'Why Am I Famous?' In addition, he changed all the pictures of her on the CD sleeve to include quotes about her celebrity.. and a picture of her with a dog head. My new hero also left the original barcode on so that the people retarded enough to purchase her album got his instead. The best part of the whole ordeal is that not a SINGLE customer returned the CD or complained about it and all of the record stores had an "Oh well, what can ya do? Who cares?" attitude about it.

After reading about this stunt, I decided to look up more info on this brilliant man and came to find out this isn't the first ballsy thing he did. It seemed I am the only man on the entire planet that's never heard of this guy but then I decided that can't be true because I'm the hippest of the fly cats on the street corner you silly jive turkey. So in an effort to expand your minds, here are some of his more publicized misdoings:
Bitch! #1 - In October of 03, Banksy smuggles a painting into a London art gallery. The painting depicts a rural farmhouse covered with police caution tape. He glues it onto the wall as a protest towards a crime prevention program called 'Crimewatch UK'.

#2 - March of 2005, he sneaks into the 4 most famous museums in NY to hang his artwork. All of the canvas' included anti-war sentiments that hung for days upon days.

#3 - A British museum is the next to feel Mr. Banksy's wrath as he sneaks yet more work inside without being noticed. This time it was a fake prehistoric rock with a drawing of a caveman pushing a shopping cart.

#4 - Banksy pulled off one of his coolest 'stunts' in late summer of 05. On a trip to Israel he decided to do a little painting on their West Bank barrier walls. The art was mainly a window with a landscape inside of it depicting beautiful scenery on the other side of the wall.

#5 - One of his more recent activities was painting a naked man hanging out of a window while hiding from the husband of a hottie he just banged (as pictured on the left). The graffiti was allowed to stay on the wall in a vote decided upon by the public.














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In other news The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, was killed a few minutes ago in a freak accident. A stingray barb was plunged into his chest and stabbed him in the heart. Who would have thought that with all the crocodile wrestling he did, a pansy little stingray would be the end of him? A shame.

21 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 545 words by smurf Email - 505 views


Permalink Suri Cruise's excrement

August 31, 2006 at 04:00 pm

The BoSox have waved the white flag on this years baseball season so the insanity of this post can be blamed on that.

Ew.

NEW YORK (AFP) - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show their baby daughter off in public, but eager fans were given an unusual preview with the chance to see a bronze cast depicting her first solid stool.

The scatological sculpture -- more doodoo than Dada -- is purportedly cast from 19-week old Suri's first bowel movement and will be shown at the Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn, New York, before being auctioned off for charity.

The artist behind the work, Daniel Edwards, previously courted controversy with a life-size nude sculpture of pop star Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug. That work was shown at the same gallery in April.

"A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family," gallery director David Kesting said, adding that he hoped the work would attract bids of up to 25 or 30,000 dollars.

The sculpture, which sits on a wooden mounting with a glass casing, is to be sold on eBay next month with proceeds from the sale going to infant health charity March Of Dimes.

As of right now, the auction is at 5 grand.

12 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 213 words by smurf Email - 281 views


Permalink Katrina who? It's all about the girl talk baby..

August 29, 2006 at 04:58 pm

Bitch! This has got to be one of the funniest stories of this year so far. Earlier today President Bush gave a speech on the 1 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. The speech was a strong heartfelt message of reassurance for those that lost family and loved ones in the horrible disaster. Of course you wouldn't know that if you were watching the CNN feed (another mirror) because they left on-air personality Kyra Phillips's microphone on when she went to take a piss. The resulting conversation overlapping Dubya was nothing short of hilarious:

Kyra Phillips: "–assholes– Yeah, I’m very lucky in that regard with my husband. My husband is handsome and he is genuinely a loving, you know, no ego–[unintelligible] you know what I’m saying. Just a really passionate, compassionate great, great human being. And they exist. They do exist. They’re hard to find. Yup. But they are out there."

[unidentified woman]: ‘We’ll see. He’s going to come, you know, he’s set for an extended visit–[unintelligible]"

Phillips: "I mean, that’s, that’s how you figure it all out, those extended visits. [laughter]"

[unidentified woman]: "Yeah, but my mom, I think she really likes him."

Phillips: "Mom’s got a good vibe? Good."

[unidentified woman]: "Yeah, my brother’s the one that–[unintelligible]"

Phillips: "Brother–of course, brothers have to be, you know, protective. Except for mine. I’ve got to be protective of him."

[unidentified woman]: unintelligible

Phillips: "Yeah. He’s married, three kids, but his wife is just a control freak."

[unidentified woman #2]: "Kyra."

Phillips: "Yeah, baby?"

[unidentified woman #2]: "Your mic is on. Turn it off. It’s been on the air."

Seconds later, reporter Daryn Kagan stumbled through this awkward transition:

Daryn Kagan: "Alright, we’ve been listening in to President Bush as he speaks in, uh, New Orleans today. This is the one year anniversary of Katrina making land shore there. President Bush saying if another natural disaster hits, our country–we must, uh, react better than that. Let’s listen in once again to President Bush."

Absolutely amazing. In the time it takes this chick to use the bathroom she manages to strike up an entire conversation about some random guy AND insults her brothers wife on national television.

Women: You're weird. I do my business in the restroom and I get the hell out of there but you.. you break up marriages on national TV.

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Update: CNN released a statement today saying the following: "CNN experienced audio difficulties during the president's speech today in New Orleans. We apologize to our viewers and the president for the disruption."

11 comments

Categories: Entertainment

In 440 words by smurf Email - 530 views


Permalink Rocket Man smokin mad trees n punchin bishes son!

August 25, 2006 at 07:49 pm

This is just a quick little post before I head out for the night. First off, I just want to mention that Sir Elton John has vowed to make a hip hop record soon. And I quote, "I want to work with Pharrell, Timbaland, Snoop, Kanye, Eminem and just see what happens. It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic, but you don't know until you try." This will indeed be his first rap record at the ripe old age of 59 years old. I guess if anyone can do it, it'd be him..

Anyway, I made a promise to my nig Mizi that I would link the trailer to his new movie. Keeping good on my promise, here is a preview for Duality. Enjoy and lemme know what you think.

Duality

New subject, I have said since day 1 that WoW is the antichrist and now I've got more facts to back my case. This is a story of a man that was suspected of being a terrorist and strip searched all because of World Of Warcraft. Owned.

Last but not least, messican food company Pink Taco has submitted a $30m dollar proposal to get the Arizona Cardinals stadium named after them. How awesome would it be to take your family on a wholesome trip to the Pink Taco Palace and not be arrested for child neglect?!

5 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment

In 226 words by smurf Email - 268 views


Permalink Bitch, know your place!

August 23, 2006 at 04:09 pm

Bitch! I'm not a big fan of religion. Unlike Mel Gibson, I believe that the Jews/Christians/Muslims are the ones behind every war in the world. Also unlike Mel Gibson, I happen to be right.

BUT, sometimes the Jesus freaks know what they're talking about. Like with this issue that forced me to revive the famous bitch.jpg image:

WATERTOWN, New York (AP) -- The minister of a church that dismissed a female Sunday School teacher after adopting what it called a literal interpretation of the Bible says a woman can perform any job -- outside of the church.

The First Baptist Church dismissed Mary Lambert on August 9 with a letter explaining that the church had adopted an interpretation that prohibits women from teaching men. She had taught there for 54 years.

The letter quoted the first epistle to Timothy: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

Hey man, if God said so.. The problem with religion is that even when they come up with a brilliant idea like the one above, they counteract it with something as stupid as this story:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Pornographic movies now seem nearly as pervasive in America's hotel rooms as tiny shampoo bottles, and the lodging industry shows little concern as conservative activists rev up a protest campaign aimed at triggering a federal crackdown.

A coalition of 13 conservative groups -- including the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America -- took out full-page ads in some editions of USA Today earlier this month urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate whether some of the pay-per-view movies widely available in hotels violate federal and state obscenity laws.

Though porn is now cheaply and readily accessible on the Internet, and through many other outlets, the activists chose to target the hotel industry in part because of the well-known brands of corporations that cater to family vacationers as well as business travelers.

"These are places that you take your family -- these are respectable institutions," said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. "Anything that brings porn into the mainstream is a concern. It just desensitizes people."

"Really ultraconservative groups try to target the hotels in their zest to eliminate porn," Shepard [of Hilton] said. "In their zest to have their personal morals prevail, they're eliminating choice for others."

Though unable to cite specific cases, Burress [a self-described former porn addict who heads the Cincinnati-based Citizens for Community Values] contended that the availability of in-room porn is making hotels more dangerous.

"As more and more of these (hardcore) titles become available, we're going to have sexual abuse cases coming out of the hotels," he said. "Hotels are just as dangerous as environments around strip joints and porn stores."

Hey man, when you're right you're right. I can't remember the last time I watched hotel porn and didn't punch a baby in the throat then fist fuck a 4 year old child. No wait, yes I can, it was the last time I watched hotel porn.

I absolutely love the portion of the article that says "though unable to cite specific cases." Way to go conservative religious nutcases.

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Here are a few random links/stories that I found amusing:

Link - Video of the 'new' Coca Cola commercial that mocks GTA.
Link - Some kickass tree house that I wish I had when I was a kid, but I'm not a rich spoiled cunt.
Link - On the theme of pirates, some poor captain gets fucked by a court order.
Link - Wtf Canaduh?

4 comments

Categories: General

In 602 words by smurf Email - 322 views


Permalink The media is a LIAR!

August 21, 2006 at 03:39 pm

Dammit Bam! BLACKSBURG, Virginia (AP) -- After a massive manhunt that shut down the Virginia Tech campus on the first day of classes, police on Monday captured an escapee suspected in the slayings of a hospital guard and a sheriff's deputy.

Morva, 24, had escaped from a hospital where he had been taken for treatment of a sprained wrist and ankle early Sunday.

Morva, who had been jailed awaiting trial on charges of attempting to rob a store last year, apparently shed his orange prison jumpsuit after escaping.

First they tell me Don Vito touches little girls; can't be true. Now they tell me some 7-11 robbing schmuck breaks out of a prison in Virginia and shoots a highly trained sheriff's deputy? NO FUCKING WAY MAN.

I know exactly what this is. This is a publicity stunt for the new season of Prison Break, which debuts on FOX tonight. That's what this is..

Prison Break!

I knew it all along.

1 comment

Categories: General

In 155 words by smurf Email - 232 views


Permalink Don Vito gets arrested!

August 20, 2006 at 05:16 pm

I absolutely love when celebrities fuck up. I love it even more when the celebrity is someone that is rich for doing something as stupid as a reality TV show.

Don't misunderstand me here, I love my big nig Don Vito, but this is just ridiculous. Molesting two 12 year old girls? They don't even have mosquito bite tits yet, you've got to wait until they turn AT LEAST 13. Shit, just ask John Ale.

Dammit Bam! MTV star arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting 2 young girls

Reality TV star 'Don Vito' or Vincent Margera, 50, was arrested Friday evening shortly after 8 p.m. outside the Denver Woodward Skatepark at the Colorado Mills Mall, according to Lakewood police.

Police said Margera is accused of touching two 12-year-old girls inappropriately after an autograph session at the skate park.

The skate park was holding a meet and greet event featuring 'Don Vito' and 'Glomb' from MTV's Viva La Bam reality TV show. Roughly 60 people came to the event.

A friend of one of the victims told 9NEWS that she talked with one of the 12-year-olds and she sounded scared while talking to mall security.

Jim Shires of the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department said Margera is being charged with two counts of sexual assault on a child. Shires also told 9NEWS he will be held on zero bond until he appears in court. He is currently at the Jefferson County Jail.

Bam Margera, Vincent Margera's nephew, made him famous on his show Viva La Bam. The MTV reality show followed the life and practical jokes of Bam and his friends and family. [He] has also appeared on MTV's Jackass, VH1's Celebrity Fit Club and various movies and commercials.

Margera will be advised of his charges in court Monday at 10 a.m.

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS!@#@!# IT MUST BE A SETUP!

8 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 303 words by smurf Email - 499 views


Permalink AOL digs for buried treasure!

August 15, 2006 at 11:40 pm

This has got to be one of my favorite stories thus far this year. Some greasy haired pimple faced little fuck that lives in his parents basement got busted by AOL last year for spamming their customers. Now I hate AOL as much as the next guy, but I REALLY fucking hate spammers so my sympathy for this guy is zilch.

Anyway, the kid got ordered to pay almost $13 mil in damages and skipped town after the judgement. AOL got a tip that he bought some solid gold bars and buried them underneath his parents house. Now they get to dig for them.

Treasure Map

A real treasure hunt could be breaking ground in Medfield.

AOL is preparing to dig up the property of Davis Wolfgang Hawke’s parents -- located on Philip Street -- in search of gold and platinum after winning a lawsuit against the spammer, who allegedly sent millions of unwanted spam emails to the company’s customers. AOL won the $12.8 million judgment last year, but has not been able to get a hold of Hawke to start collecting the money he was ordered to pay.

"This exercise isn't something out of ... 'Treasure Island.' This is a court-directed, judge-approved legal process that is simply aimed at responsibly recovering hidden assets," AOL spokesman Nicholas Graham told the Associated Press. To back the plan to dig near the Medfield home, AOL provided receipts that showed large purchases by Hawke of gold and platinum bars. The company believes Hawke buried the bars on the property with a shovel.

The company told Hawke’s parents they would try not to be too obtrusive.

Sometimes, I love America.

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Update: This story just keeps getting better and better. According to this article, the kid was a Neo-Nazi freak that legally changed his name from Andrew Britt Greenbaum (pretty Jewy, huh?) to a more Hitler-esque Davis Wolfgang Hawke. Now for the funnier part, the spamming he was doing was for penis-enhancement pills he made himself, as well as various diet drugs.

Then yesterday his grandmother and parents came out and said that they 'swore' he talked about burying his gold in NC and NH and various other locations. Sounds to me like someone doesn't want their petunias dug up!

20 comments

Categories: General

In 375 words by smurf Email - 592 views


Permalink When baseball is played correctly..

August 14, 2006 at 02:42 am

Play BallThere was an article written for Sports Illustrated the other day that absolutely berated these 2 PONY league baseball coaches from Utah for ordering an intentional walk (IBB). For those of you that aren't very familiar with baseball, an intentional walk is something managers often do so that they can get around pitching to a good hitter and deal with the player after them in the lineup. This particular decision happened to send the entire town into a frenzy, piss off multiple sports reporters, and even get state polititions involved somehow. Why?

The walk was ordered to get past a heavy swinging batter to pitch to a 9 year old child with brain cancer. Well, to be fair, he was just a brain cancer SURVIVOR; he didn't even have it anymore. The kid naturally struck out swinging, and became the final out in the league playoff championship game.

Let me carefully go through the lessons I learned while playing sports competitively as a kid, and well up into my teen years:

1. Play to have fun, and what's more fun than winning? If you have to K a disabled kid to do so, so be it.

2. People with disabilities want to be treated like everyone else (I didn't really learn that from playing sports, I learned it from pushing a cripple down the stairs, but that's a whole new story..) If you're going to walk a good hitter to get to a bad one, don't change your mind just because the kid had cancer once upon a time.

3. If you're going to cry about being a bad player, then try harder. It doesn't take much more than a summer of daily practice to become good at a sport on that level. If you don't feel like putting in the effort then go take a fingerpainting course at the local Boys and Girls Club. Who knows, you could be the next Andy Warhol or Jean-Michel Basquiat.

4. The most unsportsmanlike thing you can do is complain about somebody else being unsportsmanlike. Alls fair in love and war (as long as you follow the rule book, no fucking cheaters.)

That's life guys and it's about time the whiney authors at Sports Illustrated, MSNBC, and KSL get used to it. Strike three.

12 yr old sluts!

4 comments

Categories: Sports

In 375 words by smurf Email - 689 views


Permalink At 30,000 feet, snakes aren't the deadliest thing on this plane!

August 12, 2006 at 10:50 am

I vowed not to be swept up in the Snakes On A Plane hysteria but as the release date nears, I simply can't help myself. We're now less than a week from the arrival of this cheesy movie and I've been entertaining myself with what has to be the greatest invention and marketing tool of all time.

Ladies and gentlemen, go here and have Samuel L. Jackson himself make a personalized phone call to yourself or your friends.

I have spent literally an hour and 45 minutes today inputting my friends phone numbers into this thing and guess what? I'm STILL entertained. The company that is doing the calls for SOAP (yes, the acronym for Snakes On A Plane is SOAP..) also has a little George W. Bush voice modulator you can check out too once you're bored with the Samuel L. Jackson one.

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"I've had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!"

Snakes On A Tractor

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Categories: Entertainment

In 157 words by smurf Email - 450 views


Permalink Backend Upgraded (That's what she said!)

August 11, 2006 at 11:19 pm

This is some AWESOME Mexican food.

Tacos Al Carbon

Late last night we decided to follow through on a long-standing plan of ours to upgrade the site to a newer backend. The reasoning being this is that deleting 300 spam comments a day was cutting into my masturbation time, and .. that's really the only reason; I love to jerk it. The install went flawlessly due to some excellent work by the Eluid staff (and by that I really mean astridas, the true brains behind this operation) and the site is in full working condition. Now for the downsides, as there always seems to be some with new software.

The first negative is that there is no more referrers script. This has been deprecated by the geniuses that wrote the software for God knows what reason. I'm going to be working on installing a 3rd party one soon.

The second issue is the CAPTCHA plugin. This is kind of a good/bad thing. It helps weed out spammers, but it's pretty annoying if you're an anonymous user. So my suggestion is to fill out this form and register to post your comments. No annoyance whatsoever.

I guess those are really the only issues that I've run across. If you're having any problems viewing the site (and you're using Firefox or another 'alternative browser', I don't help you IE weirdos), just let me know and I'll look into it. MUCHOS GRACIAS SENORS.

4 comments

Categories: Site News

In 236 words by smurf Email - 688 views


Permalink Robin Williams is a drunk! Woohoo!

August 09, 2006 at 04:48 pm

One of my role models, comedian and actor Mr. Robin Williams, has decided to enroll himself in an alcohol treatment program today. Smart man, he knows that what happened to Mel Gibson could very well happen to him; so he took precautions to make sure nobody in the media can find out about his secret drunken hatred towards the Amish population of south-western Pennsylvania. They ARE responsibile for half the wars in the world ya know.

Robin Williams!
LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Robin Williams is seeking treatment for alcoholism, publicist Mara Buxbaum said Wednesday. The 55-year-old comedian had been sober for 20 years, Buxbaum said.

Williams "found himself drinking again and has decided to take proactive measures to deal with this for his own well-being and the well-being of his family," she said in a statement. "He looks forward to returning to work this fall to support his upcoming film releases."

[..]

Williams stars in "Man of the Year," due in October, and voices an animated penguin in "Happy Feet," slated for release in November.

He won an Oscar for his supporting role in 1997's "Good Will Hunting."



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While this is an interesting piece of news in itself, it's not the only reason I made this post. Truth be told, I want to admit to a new celebrity crush of mine. The soon-to-be victim of my stalking is actress Jenna Fischer. She plays Pam on the TV show 'The Office' and also directed/starred in the cult film 'Lollilove.'

Pam from The Office

I want her so bad. Click the image for a high quality version.

7 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 261 words by smurf Email - 550 views


Permalink God save the Penguins

August 08, 2006 at 05:54 pm

I've had to write about some sad events in my time with Eluid. Some of which included the September 11th attacks, Hurricane Katrina, a numerous amount of deadly tsunamis, and even the recent Israel/Hezbollah conflict. None of which struck my heart quite as deeply as this tragedy. Sure all of those events incurred a heavy loss of human life, but was there any penguin death involved? I think not. I think not..

RIP Penguins

RIP Penguins
Marshall, Texas - Four penguins traveling from the Indianapolis Zoo to a zoo in Texas died Tuesday in a truck accident. Two zoo employees suffered minor injuries when the truck overturned on a highway near Marshall in east Texas.

[..]

Two zoo employees [..] took care of the birds at the scene. "We know that we have a king penguin with a broken wing. We have another two that appeared to be suffering from shock - couple of cuts and dings," said Karen Burns, Indianapolis Zoo.

The accident comes just a few days after the penguins made their last public appearance at the Indianapolis Zoo. The penguins, who are a crowd favorite, were traveling to a zoo in Galveston, Texas, while their Indianapolis home undergoes a year of renovations.

Hoosiers grow fond of the birds every time a baby penguin is born, and all of us enjoy watching the penguins grow up. The employees who take care of the birds.. Grow attached to the penguins. Zoo officials say the injured penguins will get medical attention at a zoo in Tyler, Texas.








WHY GOD? WHY? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY YOU CRUEL SICK TWISTED FUCK?!#@

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Categories: General

In 266 words by smurf Email - 377 views


Permalink Mel Gibstein

August 01, 2006 at 11:15 pm

Man oh man. If you haven't heard about Mel Gibson's hilarious anti-semitic DUI 'issue' by now, you're in the dark. Mr. Passion of the Christ was arrested over the weekend for going 90 through Malibu trashed out of his mind.

During the course of the arrest Melly G ripped on the Jews (more precisely he said "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world"), tried to escape, called a chick cop "sugar tits", tried to rip a phone off the wall at the police station, and then attempted to piss on the floor of the holding cell.

After doing all of this, you would think he might be kind of nervous about the bad press he'll receive; however, check out this amazing mugshot:

MUGSHOT!

Have you EVER seen a person look more bad-the-fuck-ass in his jail picture? This man knows that he has billions of Jesusfreaks standing behind him, and because of that he has NO fear whatsoever.

Mel, you are my hero, except for the whole Jesus snuff flick thing. And Mad Max 3. I liked Ransom tho.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

10 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 180 words by smurf Email - 579 views


Permalink I wish Mike Hunt was his teammate

July 27, 2006 at 07:46 pm

Rusty Kuntz!
For a limited time only, you can bid on this game worn jersey previously owned by none other than Pittsburgh Pirates 1st base coach, Rusty Kuntz. Classic.

Altho still not QUITE as classic as former MLB whackjob Albert Belle. Monsieur Belle plead guilty the other day to one count of stalking his ex-girlfriend. He was arrested May 17th after a GPS tracker he installed on his ex's car fell off and she noticed it. Yep, that's right, this crackpot was using high-tech sorcery to keep tabs on a piece of ass he once had.

See guys? It can always get worse..














3 comments

Categories: Sports

In 101 words by smurf Email - 588 views


Permalink Cycling is gay

July 27, 2006 at 01:19 pm

Toddler Licker!


That picture doesn't really have anything to do with anything; it just amused me to see Rosario Dawson licking a toddler's thong. Anyways, after spending the entire week laughing at French people because an American won the Tour de France, I am ashamed to admit today that he only won because he was a cheating fuck. This means that I can only laugh at France now for being smelly, cramped, full of pussies, and for being French.

LONDON (AP) -- Tour de France champion Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone during the race, his Phonak team said Thursday on its Web site, raising questions about his victory.

The team suspended Landis, pending results of the backup "B" sample of his drug test, just four days after Landis stood on the victory podium on the Champs-Elysees, succeeding seven-time winner Lance Armstrong as an American winner in Paris.

The Swiss-based Phonak team said it was notified by the UCI on Wednesday that Landis' sample showed "an unusual level of testosterone/epitestosterone" when he was tested after stage 17 of the race last Thursday.

When we killed innocent civilians in Vietnam, was I ashamed to be American? No.
When we tortured Iraqi prisoners, was I ashamed to be an American? No.
When we cheated at SPORTS, was I ashamed to be an American? Yes. :\

Disgusting.

I had an interesting segway in my head where I was going to mention Lance Armstrong and then make a funny joke saying HAHA and 'Lance Bass is gay now!' except I forgot how I was going to word it. So there.

6 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Sports

In 267 words by smurf Email - 615 views


Permalink Caution: Retards own this site.

July 23, 2006 at 10:03 pm

My buddy Don showed me this earlier and I think it's absolutely hilarious.

Retards Next Door!
A cardboard sign hanging in a tree, directed at a boy with developmental disabilities, and the boy's mother, isn't happy. Carrie Heaton, Colton's Mother: "They've put up this sign now, that we feel is very discriminatory against my son."

The cardboard sign is hanging in a tree in the Central Utah town of Nephi. It is also being denounced tonight by advocates for the disabled. The boy's family noticed the sign pointed at their home on Wednesday night, and tonight it is still there. That's despite our visit to the neighbors who put it up. Advocates for the disabled are outraged, calling it insensitive and in the same category as a racial slur.

13-year-old Colton Heaton is developmentally delayed. His mother says he is more like a three year old. Carrie Heaton, Nephi Resident: "He looks normal but once you start talking to him, you can see he has these problems and he's just a loving little guy, he thinks we're just a great big family."

But now a cardboard sign is hanging in their neighbor's tree -- spray painted with the words: "Caution-- Retards in Area." His mother says it is fortunate Colton can't read the words. As we were filming the sign, we could see the neighbors who put it up were outside, so we approached them for their side of the story.

Sam Penrod, Eyewitness News: "Why did you put that sign up?
Neighbor: "I've been harassed for six months, my daughter has been assaulted."
Sam Penrod, Eyewitness News "By who?"
Neighbor: "The young boy, we got pictures and everything and they would not press charges because he is handicapped."

When I was in high school there was this 20 year old girl with downs that sat near our table during lunch. One day she came up to me while I was buying some nachos and she grabbed my ass. I turned around expecting to see .. well, someone that wasn't retarded. I noticed who it was and walked away uncomfortably; apparently this was the wrong thing to do because she kept trying to come over to me during lunch and 'hit it from the back' or whatever it is they do. I spent nearly half of junior year's lunchtime swatting her hand away from my ass because none of the teachers (nor her little 'special man' that was charged with watching her) would do shit about it. Needless to say, I can't turn my back to a re-re anymore because I'm afraid I might be violated.

I don't blame the neighbor at all.

16 comments

Categories: General

In 438 words by smurf Email - 662 views


Permalink Dakota Fanning rape scene?

July 20, 2006 at 07:15 pm

There aren't many actresses (or people for that matter) cuter than 12 year old Dakota Fanning; and that's why I regret to inform everyone that her cuteness will soon be taken away as she is brutally raped and photographed in the nude (or underwear?) for a movie that will probably not be shown outside of indie theatres.

Dakota Fanning
Dakota Fanning to be raped

War of the Worlds star Dakota, 12, has signed up to appear in Hounddog. The screenplay calls for Fanning's character to be raped in one explicit scene and to appear naked or clad only in "underpants" in several other horrifying moments.

A source close to the film said: "The two taboos in Hollywood are child abuse and the killing of animals. "In this movie, both things happen." Fanning's mother, Joy, and her Hollywood agent, Cindy Osbrink, see the movie, written and directed by Deborah Kampmeier, as a possible Oscar vehicle for the pint-size star.

But despite Fanning's status as a bankable actress - whose movies, including last year's War of the Worlds have earned more than half a billion dollars since 2001 - the alarming material seems to have scared off potential investors, according to the New York Daily News.

The film charts the life of a girl who is abused and finds solace in the music of Elvis Presley.

Fanning's carefully choreographed rape scene has already been filmed. But then the production - which also stars Robin Wright Penn, David Morse and Piper Laurie - was stopped because of a lack of money. But emergency investors were found and the movie is set to be finished by the end of the week.





Right. It's so nice to see the parents of a legit child actor pimp them out for a 'possible Oscar vehicle.' I bet this movie somehow breaks box office records (mainly thanks to cities where the movie theatre is close to a prison).

4 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 316 words by smurf Email - 533 views


Permalink Welcome back Mr. Kotter

July 18, 2006 at 06:13 pm

Woops


I'm back. I don't really have much to say because the Eluid research department has left me nothing to speak about. The only interesting thing that happened today has to do with celeb marriages. First off:

Avril Lavigne forms Pop-Punk matrimony with Sum 41 frontman

MONTECITO, Calif. - Avril Lavigne has married a fellow Canadian musician. Lavigne married Deryck Whibley, guitarist and frontman for Sum 41, on Saturday, at a private estate near Santa Barbara, People magazine reported on its Web site.

The young rockers had a mostly traditional ceremony, the magazine said. Lavigne wore a Vera Wang gown, carried white roses and was walked down the aisle by her father as Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" played.

Lavigne, 21, and Whibley, 26, exchanged vows under an awning covered in white flowers.

The only reason that is interesting is .. well, it really isn't. This next one is more interesting because it means that Carmen Electra is now available for bonage (if you own Roofies (or a Lear Jet (because she's a money grubber (get it?)))).

Carmen says bye-bye Rocker Boi

LOS ANGELES - "`Til Death Do Us Part" — not quite. Actress Carmen Electra and musician Dave Navarro are "amicably separating," Electra's publicist, Brit Reece, said Monday.

Reece would not elaborate on the reasons behind the split. Former "Baywatch" star Electra and former Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist Navarro documented their 2003 wedding on MTV's "`Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave."

The sexy pair met on a blind date, and "it was love at first sight," Electra told The Associated Press during an interview in 2004. Navarro currently co-hosts the CBS talent competition "Rock Star."

Carmen and Dave split


Yum. METAL BY NUMBERS!#@!@#

6 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 272 words by smurf Email - 1348 views


Permalink Zidaneeeeeeeeee

July 11, 2006 at 12:33 am

Wellll because nobody has posted in like months now and the only real recent talk on the comments page has been about this little incident I thought I might as well post a little linky doo dah about it.

Red Card for Zidanepoor zidane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25Rftjjfros&search=zidane%20headbutt

6 comments

Categories: Sports

In 50 words by jsim Email - 408 views


Permalink Emo Beatdown!

June 05, 2006 at 06:23 pm

The day is almost here!

EMO!

Time to hide your Saves The Day CDs and tuck in your emohair behind a 1971 green John Deere trucker hat, because the LOLZ HXC kids are coming!

17 comments

Categories: General

In 32 words by smurf Email - 458 views


Permalink See ya in a month bitches!

June 01, 2006 at 04:13 pm

It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight!

I love penguins

Those lyrics didn't really have anything to do with anything but does that really matter anymore?! The important thing is that on Monday I leave for vacation with my numero uno nig. We'll be gone for a little over a month so don't shed any tears for me as I'll be lying on the beach tossing back shots of Jack and playing volleyball. Oh yes.

I decided I should probably make a rather large post before I head out because lord knows the other lazy asshole authors never have anything to say. First off, I just want to say that this is a very fucked up thing to happen. Not so much the mixup, but the fact that it was the uglier girl that lived and not the cute one. Even worse, the cute one got MISTAKEN for the ugly one. Life would suck for her if she was still alive. R.I.P. nonetheless and hopefully the other chick comes out of her coma sooner or later to laugh about the whole silly misunderstanding!

I'm glad I grew up with decent grandparents and a non-molesting father unlike these poor bastards that had a hit out on them. That's probably because my relatives weren't junkies tho. Nowadays I guess that doesn't matter much anyhow as there seems to be a new tweaking drug coming out without any bad side-effects. Interesting, eh? No more trembling fingers, dead memory, and crazy whacked out newsposts on MSNBC!

Blah blah blah. Hey look, a mexican and a black person fighting over the mexican not speaking English! I'm actually kind of confused as to why someone named Nakeisha would even start a fight over something like that. Shouldn't these specific types of arguments be reserved for women named Jane Smith? I don't think someone named after the African word for 'Her Life' really has any ground to stand on here. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Hey John Ale, I found a Dutch political party for you to join!

A political party with a paedophile agenda has been registered in The Netherlands, prompting outrage among many parts of society. The party plans to push for a cut in the legal age for sexual relations to 12 from 16 and for legalisation of child pornography and sex with animals. The Charity, Freedom and Diversity (NVD) party says it promotes freedom of speech and will stand in May elections.

[..]

The party says its aim is to break taboos and fight intolerance. Its members say they want paedophilia to be freely discussed, arguing that a ban just makes children curious. [..] They also want to break the "negative" stigma surrounding paedophilia by getting into parliament.

But the NVD says it is not just a one-issue party. It also wants children from the age of 12 to be able to vote; it promotes the legalisation of hard and soft drugs and free train travel for all.

Interesting stuff. I guess that's pretty much all that I've got lined up today, I'll try to make some short hello posts from paradise but no promises because I don't want to get sand in my laptop.

Happy Birthday Mizi ;D

5 comments

Categories: General

In 535 words by smurf Email - 437 views


Permalink Finger Fucking for Dummies!

May 27, 2006 at 12:35 pm

John Ale?
Judge Says Man Too Small for Prison

SIDNEY, Neb. - A judge said a 5-foot-1 man convicted of sexually assaulting a child was too small to survive in prison, and gave him 10 years of probation instead.

His crimes deserved a long sentence, District Judge Kristine Cecava said, but she worried that Richard W. Thompson, 50, would be especially imperiled by prison dangers.

"You are a sex offender, and you did it to a child," she said. But, she said, "That doesn't make you a hunter. You do not fit in that category."

Thompson will be electronically monitored the first four months of his probation, and he was told to never be alone with someone under age 18 or date or live with a woman whose children were under 18. Cecava also ordered Thompson to get rid of his pornography.

He faces 30 days of jail each year of his probation unless he follows its conditions closely.

"I want control of you until I know you have integrated change into your life," the judge told Thompson. "I truly hope that my bet on you being OK out in society is not misplaced."

So let me get this straight, you can molest a 9 year old if you look like a midget? It's a shame I'm 6 and a half feet tall or I'd be getting more play than Barry Bonds on Sportscenter.

Hey John Ale, how tall are you again?

THE OOMPS

10 comments

Categories: General

In 233 words by smurf Email - 343 views


Permalink I've Gotta Become a Rock Star

May 18, 2006 at 12:41 pm

Mr. Heroin Himself


To be honest, I used to hate Pete Doherty with a complete passion. He didn't really seem to be doing anything worthwhile in the world. He'd show up in a few random tabloids for being high in public and make another crappy song with his former group 'The Libertines.' I mean who hasn't gotten fucked up in public and thought they could play music? Why is he so special?

Well the time has come for him to actually be special. In the past few months, this man has done three amazing things that make him my role model (and not a single one of those things include banging Kate Moss, which he has also done):



First he manages to beat drug charges that haven't been seen since Pablo Escobar got busted.
Junkie rocker Pete Doherty was hauled into court over a string of drug offences yesterday — and walked free. The heroin addict was let off with a rehabilitation order despite cops stopping him THREE times and finding hard drugs on him.

He could have got seven years. Young fans who had packed into court cheered and applauded. But anti-drugs crusaders were furious as Doherty walked free smiling from ear to ear.

Then he purchases a bunch of cars only to illegaly park them, get them towed, and then just buy new ones.
Pete Doherty, has a new addiction. The Babyshambles frontman is buying old Jaguars, parking them illegally and buying replacements when they get towed away. He's now gone through eight Jags in as many weeks, London's Daily Mirror reports.

Doherty generally chooses cars that cost less than $2,000. When his last was towed, he went straight to his favorite vintage Jag dealer, quickly found a gray sedan he liked, slapped down the cash and drove off - a cigarette dangling from his lips all the while.

And most recently, he decided to squirt a syringe of his own blood directly at an MTV crew's cameras.
Pete Doherty has sunk to a new low of disgusting behaviour.

The Babyshambles singer squirted a syringe-full of his own blood at two MTV News cameramen after injecting heroin in view of the production team. The camera lens was splattered with Pete’s claret — leaving a horrified crew scared of infection and needing to sterilise thousands of pounds worth of filming equipment.

Doherty’s own bandmate Drew McConnell was so angry with the singer that he stormed off. It is only a fortnight since The Sun printed pictures of Pete sticking a syringe into a young girl fan’s arm.


This is what it truly means to be a rock star. The storied career of Steven Tyler and that movie with Marky Mark in it don't hold a candle to the hijinx of this man. God bless you Pete Doherty.

12 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 466 words by smurf Email - 432 views


Permalink Video Blogs

May 11, 2006 at 06:39 pm

I Declare War.

Your face is broken

A large portion of the idle time this site has seen has been because camwhoring has died out for the most part. The sluts have either fled the scene or became porn stars (as we predicted would happen years ago, you can call us Eluid The Prophetic NotWorkSafe Website from now on). There haven't really been any battles to fight save the little evils still residing on Earth like WoW and politics.

Well guess what? Metaphoricly, you can consider the rising popularity of videoblogging to be the electronic version of Archduke Franz Ferdinand getting assassinated.

Earlier today I was looking at funny videos on that stupid website YouTube, when I was pointed in the direction of a video by some twat named bowiechick. As I often do when I am out of liquor and the prostitutes in my closet have stopped breathing, I decided to waste 3 minutes watching the video. Biggest mistake of my life.

The video happened to be this one. In which the lines "Anyways about the breakup, it was pretty much my fault because I lied .. I totally understand why he would break up with me but now he's TOTALLY overreacting, he's even blocked me on MySpace!" followed by 4 seconds of her acting like a cat? or something?

I dismissed this as a tiny fad and nothing that will ever affect my use of the Internet in researching the effects of pornography on my penis but I was dead wrong. I did a quick search on YouTube to find more videos of girls kissing like this one but somehow I ended up with a video of this fat Hawaiin dude mumbling something about a video game MP3 and trippy lights and cheeseburgers or something. I don't fucking know.

So yeah.. it's not a tiny fad. This chubby chick has over 200 videos of her doing things like putting on sandals (spelled wrong too, GOOD ONE), brushing large chunks of what looks to be a 4 month old baby out of her teeth, and putting baby powder on her gigantic feet.

We've got a problem and now we just need to find a solution. These people have uninteresting lives, nobody loves them, and they seriously need to find a better hobby. I'm not sure if what they are doing is the bigger problem, or if it's the people viewing these whiny cunts bitching about being blocked on MySpace that happens to be the evil. My temporary solution is for everyone to visit these people's websites and YouTube pages and tell them what you really think of this bullshit.

This guy has posted one of the few funny video blogs ever, and only because an old lady falls off a curb and the kid laughs at her.

9 comments

Categories: General

In 459 words by smurf Email - 400 views


Permalink Renee Naked?

May 02, 2006 at 11:01 pm

This site was originally created as a post-NotSoClear way to insult annoying camwhores. One of the most annoying of all time has always been Renee and her nasty fake tits, or better known as NAYLOLZ AND HER SILICONE BOOBIEZ. Anyway, for years she has been suckering retarded old men into purchasing stuff for her while she got 98% naked minus a tiny strip of cloth covering her nips and/or twat. I'm not sure where these porn stars get the idea that a little piece of clothing will somehow save them their pride and dignity but whatever, that's beyond me.

So she's had this paysite loverenee.com for a while with live cam feeds setup around her house. Apparently the other day she was in the shower in the morning pre-makeup (holy fuckin ugly..) and when she went to shut off the camera she let some stuff slip. And well, all I have to say is that the end result is disgusting. Please try anorexia and pancake nipple removement next time you frollic around in the nude.

Renee

So yeah, the rest of the Renee nude pics thanks to Mizi are following. All of the tats and piercings match up so when looking at her broken '6AM is too early to roll out of bed' face I've got to think that airbrushing really does wonders.

=> Read more!

23 comments

Categories: Pornography

In 297 words by smurf Email - 14962 views


Permalink Because it Looks Like Semen

April 30, 2006 at 07:33 pm

So there is this new super soaker out and well.. just watch the video.

wrong.

WATCH THE FUCKING VIDEO. :\ Totally filmed by Roman Polanski.

..

Cause he fucked a 13 yr-old once, get it?

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Update: Ok so, Hasbro didn't find my exploitation of their HORRIBLY wrong looking video very funny. First they took down the page holding the flash file so I rebutted by linking directly to the flash file. They found out and removed the flash file itself as well. I tried saving it but unfortunately the flash grabs data from another URL so the copy I have is as good as worthless. Oh well. Here's a videocap that was taken before they RUINED MY WORLD:

EWWW GOOEYEWWW GOOEYEWWW GOOEY

The video was these little boys running around with squirt guns filled with white goo that only shoot when you cock them with a jacking off motion. Needless to say, it was pretty messed up and REALLY funny. Oh well.

DAMN YOU HASBRO!

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Update 2: My niggle FatJay came to the rescue and found where someone uploaded it to YouTube. Now you can check the vid out if you didn't see it before.

11 comments

Categories: General

In 188 words by smurf Email - 327 views


Permalink Smack My Wrists Up

April 30, 2006 at 12:59 pm

STRIPPER

Late last week Mexico's Congress approved a bill that is nothing short of amazing. The magical bill's purpose is to legalize (actually decriminalize) the possession of small quantities of marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin for personal use.

The only step remaining was the signature of President Vicente Fox, whose office indicated he would sign the bill, which Mexican officials hope will allow police to focus on large-scale trafficking operations rather than minor drug busts. "This law gives police and prosecutors better legal tools to combat drug crimes that do so much damage to our youth and children," said Fox's spokesman, Ruben Aguilar.

If Fox signs the measure and it becomes law, it could strain the two countries' cooperation in anti-drug efforts -- and increase the vast numbers of vacationing students who visit Mexico. Oscar Aguilar, a Mexico City political analyst, said Fox appeared almost certain to sign the law -- his office proposed it, and his party supports it -- and that he had apparently been betting that it would not draw much notice.

..

The bill, passed 53-26 with one abstention by Mexico's Senate in the early morning hours, already has been approved in the lower house of Congress. It also stiffens penalties for trafficking and possession of drugs -- even small quantities -- by government employees or near schools, and maintains criminal penalties for drug sales.

The bill says criminal charges will no longer be brought for possession of up to 25 milligrams of heroin, 5 grams of marijuana (about one-fifth of an ounce, or about four joints), or 0.5 grams of cocaine -- the equivalent of about 4 "lines," or half the standard street-sale quantity (though half-size packages are becoming more common).

The first funny thing about this is that the Mexican el Presidente proposed the bill hoping nobody would notice. HAHAHA. Somehow I don't think a bill legalizing H is gonna just slip by the general public of Messicans unless it's written in English and requires doing work to read. I KID, I KID.

Second, .25mg of smack?! What the hell kind of junkie only keeps a quarter gram in their back pocket? Gimme a break! .. but I'm still moving to Messico.

Thanks for the link TheJediSiIentBob.

3 comments

Categories: General

In 366 words by smurf Email - 427 views


Permalink Pizza? Now that's what I call a taco!

April 27, 2006 at 05:38 pm

A few weeks ago SNL did some skit about a super taco from Taco Town. The taco was made as follows:

Crunchy all beef taco, smothered in nacho cheese, lettuce, tomato, special southwestern sauce.
Wrapped in a soft flour tortilla with a layer of refried beans in between.
Wrapped in a savory corn tortilla with a middle layer of Monterry Jack cheese.
A deep fried Gordita shell with a smeared on layer of guacamole wrapped around the outside.
Baked in a corn husk filled with pico de gallo.
Wrapped in a crepe filled with egg, sausage, and portabello mushrooms.
Wrapped in a Chicago style deep dish meat lovers pizza.
Rolled up in a blueberry pancake, dipped in batter, and deep fried until it's golden brown.
Served in spicy vegetarian chilli.

Welp, some guys decided to take it upon themselves to make this delicious sounding heart attack meal and then eat it. And damn does it sound and look fucking scrumptious:

TACO TOWN!

Yum, yum. Check it out along with the video for the SNL skit.

9 comments

Categories: General

In 173 words by smurf Email - 413 views


Permalink Pushy Bastards

April 26, 2006 at 11:25 pm

Chub
See, this is the thing. I could post stupid overused links every day like some of the other crappier websites out there, but then I would be nothing more than a cooler version of Kevin Rose but with balls.. and a life.. and a sexy face.. and, well I could keep going but I think I drove home the point that Kevin Rose is a douchebag already. My point is that I am much too AWESOME to make crappy posts every day, instead I make slightly LESS than crappy posts every FEW days. That's whats crackin yo.

Anyway, on to my point, I despise hippies. In fact, I despise them more anything else on the planet except for the New York Yankees. That is why this article (that has probably been plastered all over the Internet already on the crappier aforementioned websites) pissed me off so much. A group of dirty peace lovers have started protesting Windmills around the world. Yep, they've started protesting clean renewable energy provided by wind. Why? Noise polution and the SENSELESS KILLING of bats and birds that are stupid enough to fly into the gigantic fans. K.

Next on the agenda is this bill that will make committing ATTEMPTED copyright infringment punishable with up to 10 years in prison. Once again, I'll do a little bit of clarification here for the dumber readers of the site (that means you ehsucks):

Downloading and posessing child pornography: 7 years in prison
Downloading and posessing a video camera rip of Scary Movie 4: 10 years in prison

Does that seem right to you? Not that someone would actually want to download that shitty movie, but that they could get more time in prison for it than they could by having nude photos of Dakota Fanning. FOR SHAME.

3 comments

Categories: General

In 295 words by smurf Email - 234 views


Permalink Good One Oklahoma

April 18, 2006 at 05:27 pm

Moms Minivan


I have nothing more to say than to point out the pure brilliance that is residing in the minds of the Oklahoma City Police Department.

OKLAHOMA CITY -- A police standoff ended early Tuesday with metro police discovering there was nobody in the house they were monitoring.

A seven-hour standoff near Southeast 59th Street and Bryant Avenue started as a drug investigation of a home in the area. Officers said they were worried about activity in the house, and they called for a tactical team.

For hours, according to reports, they tried to make contact with anybody in the house.

At about 3:30 a.m., agents approached the house but found nobody inside. A search of the area did not turn up any culprits; however, agents remain in the area looking for leads.

Oink oink.

7 comments

Categories: General

In 134 words by smurf Email - 259 views


Permalink Stanley's Cup Gets Crunked

April 13, 2006 at 01:20 am

CONTENT WARNING: What I am about to say may be construed by some as a racist remark. These people are just conservative liars that would like to see me impeached and removed from office. There is absolutely nothing in my years upon years of Mick heritage that even lends a hint towards my being prejudice towards any type of people. With that, I give you my post.

YEAAAH WHAAAAT

I knew that black people liked to steal stuff but dammit Lil Jon, not the Stanley Cup! I found this picture earlier on Foxsports website, in some article about how the NHL is trying to trying to lend itself more towards the minority audience. The minority audience like maybe .. Russians, Czech, and Canadians? They should be trying to get the whitey folk into it seeing as they're the people with 80% of the 'big money' in this country. Anyway..

----------

The more important part of this post, the part that concerned me deeply, is that the Connecticut state Senate has voted unanimously to make cumming on a girls face illegal. No, I am not kidding either and the reason for the law change was actually based on a real event of 3 kids busting a nut on some chick while she slept.

Outraged by an incident in a University of Connecticut dormitory, the state Senate voted unanimously Tuesday to change the definition of sexual assault to include cases without direct physical contact.

Lawmakers were responding to the case of three UConn students accused of ejaculating onto a female student's face as she slept in a dormitory in September. The three men, who no longer attend the university, were charged with disorderly conduct and public indecency, but could not be charged with sexual assault under state law.

...

"This may actually force potential, as well as existing, sexual predators to understand that ejaculating on a person's face is not in fact funny, normal, or an act that can easily be dismissed by a misdemeanor," she said. "Although the refinement of this law will not improve my situation or case, at least I'll be able to live at ease knowing that no other innocent person will be taken advantage of by both a sexual predator and by the law."

The new law would help restore "the pride, self-worth, and safety of myself and other women victimized by thoughtless individuals such as the three men who sexually violated me and will only be convicted of a misdemeanor at best," she said.

...

The three men, according to the affidavit, watched a pornographic video on a computer and took turns ejaculating on the student's face and body. When the woman woke up, she thought she had drooled on herself, the affivadit says. The next day, the affidavit says, Skvirsky sent the woman an instant message that stated that they "were really drunk" and had ejaculated on her.

I just want to touch up on a few points here. First, how many people actually get semen splattered on their faces when they sleep? Is this law really benefiting the majority?

Second, how many of the man juice providers are retarded enough to message the girl the next day and admit to the crime? Are these people really that stupid? Creating MySpace blogs about it or Livejournaling? Gimme a break.

Third, despite what the 'victim' says, ejaculating on someones face while they're passed out drunk is indeed very VERY funny.

Last but not least, I find it very hard to believe that not one of the 35 votes was against this law modification as I know these Senators will not be very happy when accused of sexual assault because they eyefucked some hottie little intern.

In any case, this makes me ashamed to be a native Nutmegger (no, that's not a joke nor a pun, that's what a person born and raised in Connecticut is called, pretty funny tho huh? ;X).

8 comments

Categories: General, Celebrities, Sports

In 647 words by smurf Email - 267 views


Permalink Homeland Security Press Security busted for cybering 14 yr old

April 04, 2006 at 09:44 pm

Well then.
Shameful Man
Brian J. Doyle, DOB 4/7/50, the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's Office of Public Affairs in Washington, D.C., was arrested this evening at his residence in Silver Springs, Maryland, on 23 Polk County charges related to the use of a computer to seduce a child and transmitting harmful materials to a minor.

On March 12, 2006, Doyle contacted a 14-year-old girl whose profile was posted on the Internet, and initiated a sexually explicit conversation with her. The girl was actually an undercover Polk County Sheriff s Computer Crimes detective. Doyle knew that the girl was 14 years old, and he told her who he was and that he worked for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. During future online chats, Doyle gave the undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl his office phone number and his government-issued cell phone number, so that they could have telephone conversations, in addition to their online chatting. Doyle used the Internet to send hard-core pornographic movie clips to the girl and used the AOL Instant Messenger chat service to have explicit sexual conversations with her.

I don't mean to tell anyone how to run the country because it's not like I'm a tax paying citizen or anything (sarcasm) but wouldn't the best idea be to skip over the pedophiles when you're hiring for an important government job? Isn't Doorman at Neverland Ranch one of those references you see on a resume that discredits the entire thing? We don't need anymore MySpace reading AIM cybersexing officials so fix your shit El Governmento.

7 comments

Categories: General

In 262 words by smurf Email - 406 views


Permalink Old English found in Space

April 04, 2006 at 01:45 pm

I love booze

I was born into a life of Catholic rules and regulations; reading Latin every Sunday morning until I was 11 or 12. Yeah, so like most people that grew up Catholic, I'm not a big fan anymore nor have I believed in God for the past 10 years. I would like to thank Britain's Jodrell Bank Observatory for changing all of that and making me see the error in my ways.

THERE IS A GOD! These brilliant Brit bastids managed to locate a cloud of Alcohol in deep space, 463 billion kilometres across. For anyone that uses a real measurement (fuck the Metric system), that's 2.87694862 × 10^11 miles or enough to keep 11 high school girls drunk for 3 entire weeks!

The 'cloud' has been spotted in our galaxy, The Milky Way; and the alcohol in question is Methanol, a cousin of the yummy tasting Ethanol. Methanol can't be drank, yet, without causing blindness and possible death. So I ask you smart English sonofabitches, now that you've found God's gold mine please start looking for a way to turn this alcohol into the good stuff.

I beg of thee.

4 comments

Categories: General

In 181 words by smurf Email - 200 views


Permalink April Fools 2K6

April 01, 2006 at 11:25 pm

fuck MySpace


Haha. Come on guys! You should have known better. Ever since I was a little kid, I've been the one that would let the air out of his parents tires then smile and yell "HAHA HAPPY APRIL FOOLS!" while they stood cursing their piece of shit cars for making them late for work. I had to do it so here are some of the better responses I got about the 'Eluid MySpace Experiment':

----------

[ @bunksteve ] This Andy Kaufman-like human behavior experiment bullshit better end soon, smurf. That's all I'm saying.

(00:05:03) fadedCharacter: I dont know how I feel
(00:05:49) fadedCharacter: but I liked the old eluid
(00:05:52) fadedCharacter: damnitabout all that, but oh well.

jared.simon to smurf
Mar 31 (23 hours ago)
whatttttttt is going on??? wheres eluid??? myspace what??? can u even get this email? ahhhh helppppp

----------

Everyone should know by now that I'm not a hitwhore nor do I care how much traffic Eluid gets period. I like our small little community so we will never ever ever be moving to MySpace, or Livejournal. Rest assured.

If you happen to be one of those jackasses that doesn't check the site on the daily, and you missed what happened. Never fear, we keep archives just for that reason:

April Fools 2006
April Fools 2005
April Fools 2004
April Fools 2003

12 comments

Categories: General

In 214 words by smurf Email - 226 views


Permalink Anna Benson Is A Whore

March 31, 2006 at 12:18 pm

Yeah, You like this?
"No matter how good she looks, some guy out there is sick of putting up with her shit."

After a day full of rumors Thursday, famed sports wife Anna Benson took her first official step towards becoming a single slut by filing for divorce. Her husband, current Orioles pitcher Kris Benson, plans not to let this interrupt his beautiful lifetime ERA of 4.25. He definitely is going to try his hardest not to let it affect his career 57-61 record.

The ex-Miss Benson has been a staple in the sports community over the past 7 years in which she has been married to 5th day starter Kris. Is it because she's really hot? No, not really. She, like her husband's throwing arm, is mediocre at best. It's because she is a media attention whore and takes every chance she can get to take off her clothes for Maxim or FHM.

This is a woman that while her husband pitched for the Mets, threatened to fuck the entire team while he watched if he ever cheated on her. In her free time she hung out with every B and C list celebrity the Big Apple had to offer her. She's since used her position as resident gold digger to start her own fake company called Anna Benson Enterprises.

All I can say is that I'm glad this young pitcher dropped the dead weight, hopefully it picks up his career some, and he should probably get someone to take a look at that infection.

You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.



2 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Sports

In 271 words by smurf Email - 189 views


Permalink Fetus-In-Fetu

March 29, 2006 at 08:06 pm

THE TERRORISTS HAVE STRUCK AGAIN!

Yeah, You like this?
No they haven't, but still. Check this shit out! Doctors removed two fetuses from inside of an infant in Pakistan. So maybe it wasn't the terrorists that struck, maybe it was none other than our good friend 'the diddling John Ale!' HAHA. I jest, I jest. Sort of.

Some odd shit has been going on in the world lately; none of which happens to be a reason for my lack of posting, that was just pure laziness. One of these odd things being this lucky bastard that managed to divorce his wife and escape from a life of Hell by repeating a phrase three times over in his sleep. Check out what has to happen before the man can remarry her:

"The religious leaders said that before remarrying, the couple would have to be apart for at least 100 days and that the wife, Sohela, would also have to spend a night with another man and then be divorced by him."

Sounds rough, huh? If only life was that easy for all the non-Islams in the world. It's almost enough to make some Christians think about swapping religions if it wasn't for that whole, ya know.. blowing yourself up thing.

Speaking of having an easy life, this prick managed to get out of multiple drunk-driving convictions by claiming that he believed Shania Twain was helping him drive via some crazy mind control. This new DWI charge he avoided of course came almost 10 years after he was convicted of DWI and manslaughter by running over and murdering a woman and her 12 year old child. Only in Canada, eh?

Enough of the serious shit. I was pointed towards this brilliant website full of sensual haiku's this morning and I'd like to share some of my favorite ones with you:
Words cannot express
What I truly think of you
Wait, they can... "dumb cunt."

I grunt with delight
hot explosion in your cunt
semen oozes out

Someone once told me,
break my heart, break my hymen
Shit, I can do that.
We good fellas? I've got to wash myself of this heartwarming bullshit poetry by watching this hardcore hockey fight. And you silly Brits thought your football players were gangsta, fuck off!

Speaking of countries. I have officially banned all of Russia, Poland, and China from viewing this website. No reason other than Vodka burns my throat, Polish people are known as Poles, and I just flat out don't like the Chinese.

Also, I have a secret plan for the next few days in an effort to drive more commenting visitors to the site. My wheels are churnin. That is all, good day.

Punch!

15 comments

Categories: General

In 445 words by smurf Email - 422 views


Permalink I'll miss you Shaft

March 14, 2006 at 12:53 am

Salty Chocolate Balls
Soul singer Isaac Hayes has parted ways with the Comedy Central series "South Park," citing the series' "inappropriate ridicule of religious communities."

Hayes, who has voiced the character Chef since the series began in 1997, released a statement through his spokesman Monday requesting a release from his contract because he "is disappointed with what he perceives as a growing insensitivity toward personal spiritual beliefs."

In a rejoinder issued later in the day by Comedy Central, "Park" co-creator Matt Stone described Hayes as a disgruntled Scientologist unhappy with a recent episode lampooning the organization's religious beliefs.

"In 10 years and over 150 episodes of 'South Park,' Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslims, Mormons and Jews," Stone said in a statement in which he agreed to release Hayes from his contract. "He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show."




Absolutely soul crushing. I'm very disappointed.

-------------------

Update: Matt Stone and Trey Parker decide to snap back at Hayes with the new seasons first episode this Wednesday:

Salty Chocolate Balls
LOS ANGELES -- "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone may yet have the final word on Isaac Hayes' departure from the show.

The series, which has been the focus of much media speculation in the past week over Hayes leaving and Comedy Central's pulling of a Scientology-mocking episode, begins its 10th season Wednesday night with an episode called "The Return of Chef!" -- while making no mention of Hayes.

In the episode, Chef makes a "triumphant homecoming" to South Park (even prior to the "Trapped in the Closet" episode that apparently sparked Hayes' departure, the character hadn't been seen much for a while). The boys are glad to have their friend back, but "they notice that something about Chef seems different."


22 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment

In 301 words by smurf Email - 320 views


Permalink RIP Kirby Puckett

March 06, 2006 at 07:37 pm

RIP
MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - Kirby Puckett died Monday, a day after the Hall of Fame outfielder had a stroke at his Arizona home, a hospital spokeswoman said. He was 44.

Puckett, who led the Twins to two World Series titles before his career was cut short by glaucoma, was stricken Sunday morning. Even before Puckett's passing, his condition was weighing heavily on his former manager. "Tough day," former Twins manager Tom Kelly said Monday at the team's training camp in Fort Myers, Fla.

Kirby Puckett carried the Twins to World Series titles in 1987 and 1991. Glaucoma forced the Gold Glove center fielder and 10-time All-Star to retire in 1996 after 12 seasons with the Twins when he went blind in one eye.

Puckett was once a guest coach, too, after he retired in 1996, but he hasn't worked for the team since 2002. He has kept a low profile since being cleared of assault charges in 2003, when he was accused of groping a woman at a suburban Twin Cities restaurant.

Puckett had remained close with several people in the Twins organization, and he was one of baseball's most popular players throughout his 12-year career.

12 comments

Categories: Sports

In 187 words by smurf Email - 426 views


Permalink Lindsay Lohan Nipple - Sidetit too little, too late.

March 01, 2006 at 08:34 pm

CLOSE YOUR EYES!

And here's MY sidetit
For what seems like an eternity we have been waiting for Lindsay 'Railin Lines' Lohan to bust out with some nipple better than that stupid club picture. Now that she finally has let the poker out of the bag, it's too little too late for most people.

Honestly, if people wanted to see the tits of a junkie that gets into daily inebriated car accidents, they would sneak a peak at Eminem's mom topless. But alas I can't help but post it just because it seems like the right thing to do.

Thanks ohsnap for showing me that pussy picture (of the cat.. at the top of this post..). It amuses me.











14 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 112 words by smurf Email - 1024 views


Permalink Toy Story 2: JUICE BY HARRY EDITION!

February 25, 2006 at 02:21 am

JUICE BY HARRY

Earlier today I was pointed towards what might possibly be the coolest thing to ever exist. Toy Story 2: Requiem! Check it out and if you don't understand it then you were never really ALIVE to begin with.

In less interesting but a lot more funny news, Sheryl Crow seems to have caught TEH CANCERZ from her former fiance Lance Armstrong's testicles.

Awe, if you're one of these people that feels bad for laughing at what you just read, watch this autistic kid sink 6 three pointers in a matter of seconds. Absolutely ridiculous. No doubt in my mind that he would put me to shame with that shot AND that the kid who was supposed to be guarding him probably has a gun to his temple at this very moment for letting a short bus'er score 20 points on him in a minute.

Last but not least, a few months ago a house in Nashville got raided for growing weed. Now the pictures finally get released, and they are nuts. Checkit.

"Oh I know it's pretty baby, but I didn't take it out for air."

Update: This kid has made my fuckin day.

7 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment

In 191 words by smurf Email - 410 views


Permalink Kid Rock and Creed sex tape?

February 16, 2006 at 11:09 am

Penis Wide Open
Welcome to yet another edition of 'Sex Tapes Nobody Asked For!' This time we've got a menu jam packed with a 1990's Jesus freak lip-syncher, and a white guy that's not sure which part of Detroit he's really from.

That's right, this guaranteed erection-killing fuck flick stars ex-Creed singer Scott Stapp and ex-Pam Anderson fucker Kid Rock. Filmed in 2000 during a tour the two headlined, the 45 minute video features them both partying and getting blown by groupies. The tape is now in the hands of Red Light District, the same company that released Paris Hilton's 'EW DONT SAY PENIS' debacle and the 'WHAT THE FUCK HER CLIT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS' tape from pro wrestler Chyna.

Red Light isn't sure when they are going to release the entire tape nor whether it will be available for the iPod on their new iPorn store. United Air will hopefully issue a statement soon barring all passengers caught watching this POS on their iPods from flying, ever again.

Watch a boring 45 second long clip here. But it'd probably be smart not to.

Update: The sites containing the preview video apparently have both been removed by the Red Light District guys. I've joined the YouTube fad and posted the video flash style right here.

14 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 211 words by smurf Email - 613 views


Permalink Happy Valentines Day!

February 13, 2006 at 06:41 pm

I hate this day Following in my predecessors footsteps, I too refuse to post about Valentine's Day on the day it actually falls on but not because I think it's some evil machine created by the greeting card companies. Nope, that's not it. I happen to think it is an evil machine created by women that just want more presents (and head) for no reason. PROVE ME WRONG!

This is a crazy fucking world we're living in folks. Our vice president shot a man, Paris Hilton is seriously being considered for the part of Mother Teresa in a movie, and R. Kelly may have fucked Aaliyah when she was a child.

Long gone are the embarassing times where I get caught in an awkward, usually sexual, position by friends and family members. The new days have come.

The days with a naked (topless) Sienna Miller, old people fucking up the highways, and US Marshals smuggling coke in airplanes.

With all the fucked up storms that have wrecked havoc to the world recently, some people expect the new days to also be our last days.

If that is indeed true then the only thing left to do is wait for The Ultimate Showdown and hope it's theme song is as catchy as this fuckin flash file.

Anyways, if anyone had an outstanding bet with a friend that I could and would make an entire post full of absolute fucking nonsense without putting more than 3 seconds of thought into it, it's time to collect. Finally, here is a Valentine's Day E-Card from Mizi if you're one of those people latched down with a ball and chain.

DICK IS A KILLAH

This rules.

And of course:

Valentine

25 comments

Categories: General

In 275 words by smurf Email - 349 views


Permalink PEANUT BUTTA JELLY

February 10, 2006 at 03:00 pm

Real Media Sucks


It's that time again, time for me to get rid of all the stupid links I've got sitting in notepad because I can't think of a good story to use that they can be segwayed into.

Kevin Federline Is A Fucking Moron - Watch this video. (PEANUT BUTTA JELLY)
Apple's Pretentious Douchebag Advertising Campaign - This guy should be punched.
Best License Agreement Ever - I agree.
Sharon Stone Rocks Cock - In Basic Instinct 2.
NEWEST SALAD FINGERS - MOTHERFUCKERS!@#!$@@
Achewood Comics Make Me Laugh - .. sometimes.
Best Rack Ever Created - I want to marry a girl like this.
Six Styles - Download free albums by registering for a forum? Sounds good.

4 comments

Categories: General

In 113 words by smurf Email - 356 views


Permalink Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley nude in Vanity Fair?

February 07, 2006 at 12:30 pm

You bastards complained about a lack of tittays in my recent posts and with INCREDIBLY immaculate timing, a Vanity Fair nude photospread starring Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley was shot.

Scarlett MMM

Unfortunately, that's the only picture released so far. The photoshoot was originally supposed to include actress Rachel McAdams as well until she found out that it required nudity; then she stormed off the set and fired her publicist (a few months ago). Kind of hypocritical from a chick that got naked in a boring foreign flick (scroll down to the bottom) back when she was a nobody and had to show off her rack to make money.

So enjoy and go jerk off now because my fanboi obsession with Google is sure to kick back up anytime now.

11 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 128 words by smurf Email - 2825 views


Permalink AOL > Google?

February 03, 2006 at 04:44 pm

NO (FAT) CHIX

When I was 9 years old I kissed a boy, and I got a tingly feeling in my pants.. and let me tell you, not even THAT confusion can measure up to the level of confusion I felt after reading this article. That stupid fucking article makes me feel more love for AOL than I do for Google; and that's a bad thing for a growing adolescent still trying to find his identity, such as myself. Here's a small snippet:

AOL's Responses

Q: Given a list of search terms, can you produce a list of people who searched for that term, identified by IP address and/or cookie value?
Weinstein: No. Our systems are not configured to track individuals or groups of users who may have searched for a specific term or terms, and we would not comply with such a request.

Q: Do you ever purge these data, or set an expiration date of, for instance, two years or five years?
Weinstein: As stated on our searches results page, we currently save personally identifiable search data for up to 30 days. As stated above, users can delete that data at any time if they wish.

Google's Responses

Q: Given a list of search terms, can you produce a list of people who searched for that term, identified by IP address and/or cookie value?
Langdon: Yes. We can associate search terms with IP addresses and cookies, but not with users' names unless they are registered with Google.

Q: Do you ever purge these data, or set an expiration date of, for instance, two years or five years?
Langdon: We keep data for as long as it is useful. There are several uses, several of which are described in our privacy policy and FAQ. There isn't a specified period.

So do I still have a crush on Google (because it feels so right) or do I secretly want to go to the prom with AOL (even tho it feels SO FUCKING WRONG)? I do not like to be confused so I'd like someone to answer this question for me, and for the record I have never really kissed a boy.

Super Bowl Ads?

8 comments

Categories: Geeknology

In 361 words by smurf Email - 305 views


Permalink R. Kelly Style

January 29, 2006 at 01:29 pm

I honestly had large plans on making an entry today expressing my displeasure in Google for first letting the Chingalings bitchslap them, then all of a sudden changing their mind. Then I was going to blast Microsoft, Yahoo, and AOL for sending PRIVATE INFORMATION (your IP is personal info so for all three companies, don't gimme that 'we didn't send personal info' bullshit) to the DOJ; however, that all changed when I woke up to read this conversation that happened while I was safely tucked away in bed:

<paper_bag> my girlfriend and i had drunk sex last night
<paper_bag> for the frist time
<paper_bag> she was all freak nasty
<paper_bag> talking about wanting to lick my ass and shit
<paper_bag> lol
<paper_bag> and then she fucking pissed all ove me
<g800> lol
<g800> what
<g800> come one
<g800> stop playing around
<paper_bag> she pissed all over me
<paper_bag> im serious
<g800> did you break up with her
<rand0m> paper_bag is into some kinky shit
<^Incubus^> fuck, i'd be pissed if i were you...
<paper_bag> no
<paper_bag> she pissed on me before
<paper_bag> she like
<paper_bag> just does it

That's the tip of the iceberg, watch the Titanic sink..

=> Read more!

50 comments

Categories: General

In 519 words by smurf Email - 679 views


Permalink R.I.P. Chris Penn

January 24, 2006 at 11:17 pm

Normally I wouldn't bother posting about the death of a "B list" actor, but since Chris Penn starred in some of my favorite movies of all time (Reservoir Dogs, True Romance, Mulholland Falls, Murder By Numbers, just to name a few).

chris penn

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Actor Chris Penn, brother of Sean Penn, was found dead Tuesday at a condominium near the beach in Santa Monica, police said.

Police said they discovered the 40-year-old actor's body around 4 p.m. Lt. Frank Fabrega said there were no obvious signs of foul play. Chris Penn's body was found inside the four-story condominium complex after police were called by someone from within the building, Fabrega said.

An autopsy will be conducted to determine the cause of death, authorities said.

Chris Penn's credits included "Mulholland Falls," "Rumble Fish," "All the Right Moves," "Footloose" and "Rush Hour." He also played Nice Guy Eddie Cabot in the 1992 Quentin Tarantino crime drama "Reservoir Dogs."

His late father, Leo Penn, directed television shows. His mother, Eileen Ryan, is an actress whose credits include "I Am Sam," "Magnolia" and "Parenthood." Another brother is musician Michael Penn.

Chris Penn's latest film, "The Darwin Awards," was scheduled to premiere Wednesday at the Sundance Film Festival.
We should have a pool on the official cause of death. The smart money's on overdose of drugs he stole from his brother OR an overdose of double cheeseburgers, either of which lead him to a heart attack. Anyway, RIP Chris Penn.

15 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 246 words by smurf Email - 224 views


Permalink Tom Cruise loses MAJOR cool points

January 20, 2006 at 09:23 pm

Before I get into the Mission Totally Fucking Possible Burn, I would like to take the chance to mention that this is the 500th Eluid post since we moved the site all around. I didn't think we'd make it this far nor do I rememeber about 480 of the posts but congratulations everyone.

Tommy Boy
The Sun Online - Nervous TV bosses have axed an episode of South Park which OUTS a fictional Tom Cruise character as gay — because they are scared the real actor will SUE.

The wacky cartoon shows Hollywood star Cruise refusing to come out of a closet in a reference to rumours about his sexuality. His ex-wife Nicole Kidman and fellow Scientologist John Travolta are portrayed as trying to coax him out.

Nicole, 38, tells him: “Don’t you think this has gone on long enough? It’s time for you to come out of the closet. You’re not fooling anyone.”

The episode, called Trapped in the Closet, also features Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard criticising Cruise’s acting skills. The episode is entirely fictional and there is no suggestion that the events are true. It was shown in America last year but Cruise, 43, is believed to have threatened legal action if it is shown again. So it will not be screened on the Paramount channel on Friday as planned.

An insider said: “Tom is famously very litigious and will go to great lengths to protect his reputation. In the past year this has increased because he has been getting bad publicity over his over-the-top relationship with Katie Holmes. But Tom was said not to like the episode and Paramount just didn’t dare risk showing it again. It’s a shame that UK audiences will never see it because it’s very funny.”
Religion has been the cause of countless wars through the history of Earth and now it's the cause of a lack of a few giggles in the UK. Way to go you asshole Cruise, first you let Goose die and now this.. I'm not going to let him get away with this so thanks to some help from MrTwig.Net, we have a nice little torrent file of the episode for those of you in the UK where you're allowed to show tits on cable TV but not make fun of Tom Cruise.

Politics, I don't fucking get it.

11 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 393 words by smurf Email - 379 views


Permalink I have a dream

January 16, 2006 at 03:40 pm

I have a dream that black cops will attack white chicks, and white cops stop attacking black people!

So earlier this week a rollerderby chick got the living shit knocked out of her by the cops. The pictures are pretty brutal but funny in a 'you get to see her panties' way. I mirrored the myspace blog entry of the hoe that chronicled the event, enjoy:

skater gets owned

While I was doing that I took the liberty of updating the following mirrors:

2004 ALCS - A flash file chronicling the collapse of a 185 million dollar baseball team ;)
Bushmail - George Bush's hotmail account
iPod - Ashlee Simpson version of the iPod
Resistor Pr0n - A bunch of rowdy resistors get a little liquor in them, who knows where things will go?!

Happy MLK (is the worst street in every city) Day!

11 comments

Categories: General

In 135 words by smurf Email - 229 views


Permalink Please stop hurting my feelings

January 12, 2006 at 12:10 pm

I didn't think I would find anything much funnier today than the possibility of George W. Bush being impeached until I was pointed towards this absolute goldmine of a lawsuit.
Chat Buddies!
Man sues chatroom pals: I was humiliated beyond what 'no man could endure'

Mike Marlowe fully admits that he sometimes gave George Gillespie a hard time in that AOL chatroom. But never in his wildest imagination did he expect to be sued in court for what he characterized as "razzing." "We gave him crap," said Marlowe, a 33-year-old welder in Fayette, Ala. "I'm not going to deny it. I teased him and he teased me back. He gave it back better than he ever got it."

A generation ago, such petty personal beefs might have been settled with fists outside the corner bar, but now it's the Internet age — and Ohio resident George Gillespie instead filed a $25,000 lawsuit against two erstwhile cyber chums he met in the sprawling 900-room, mostly anonymous society that makes up AOL's chat universe.

Gillespie, 53, claims that Marlowe and Bob Charpentier, a 52-year-old Oregon resident, insulted him and harassed him in the AOL chatroom called "Romance — Older Men" to the point where it inflicted "severe emotional distress and physical injury that is of a nature no reasonable man could be expected to endure it."

..

Charpentier said he first encountered Gillespie more than five years ago and at first, the two chatters were friendly. But Charpentier says he quickly became disenchanted by what he saw as Gillespie's mean streak. Things really turned ugly four years ago when Charpentier traveled to Kentucky to meet another chatroom regular, a woman who was also a friend of Gillespie's. The blind date did not go particularly well, and when Charpentier returned to he discovered that Gillespie had gone on the attack.

"He just came in slamming on me, saying all kinds of derogatory crap: that I was a fat, bald, broke old man who sits around in a rusted wheelchair," said Charpentier, who has a chronic back injury. "I don't even own a wheelchair."

It's because of hilarity like this that I thank fucking God I pay for an Internet connection instead of donating money to those starving bitches in Africa.

13 comments

Categories: Geeknology

In 370 words by smurf Email - 709 views


Permalink Dingaling

January 11, 2006 at 12:25 pm

As much as I hate to break up the wickedly insane barrage of comments on the previous post, I have to make this one. Today is my numero uno nig's birthday.

Happy Birthday Astridas

MMM

Unfortunately, that liquor is not your birthday present, just an image I found on Google. Since I'm broke as balls this year (please change your birthday so it's AT LEAST a month away from Christmas), my presents shall come in the form of links:

Link - A video of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez speaking with KSmith about Clerks 2
Link - A fucking insane flash clip of an artist's drawing process
Link - Apparently wrestling gave up on the whole 'pre-arranged plot' thing, and is now just softcore porn
Link - A trailer for Flight93, a potential exploitation flick about the plane that crashed in PA
Link - This one's more for me than you Jared but I'm converting you to the Sox so you might like her too
Link - A prank site by a bunch of friends of mine, be sure to check out the Archives
Link - In case you're black, or a white person that thinks they're black, like Gwen Stefani
Link - One of the 3 Blind Mice decides to go out gangster style
Link - Your true present, 27 WoW servers crashing all at once
Link - A new law, signed by Bush, that will probably have me thrown in jail in less than a month

Happy Birthday Bro! .. and if I do get thrown in jail, I hope your Aunt gave you cash as a present cause I need bail money.

6 comments

Categories: General, Entertainment

In 238 words by smurf Email - 401 views


Permalink Mormons dont like Gays or Indecency?!? I got just what they need!

January 08, 2006 at 11:22 pm

Source:Associated Press Updated: 10:24 a.m. ET Jan. 8, 2006

SALT LAKE CITY - A movie theater owned by Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller abruptly changed its screening plans and decided not to show the film “Brokeback Mountain.”

The film, an R-rated Western gay romance story, was supposed to open Friday at the Megaplex at Jordan Commons in Sandy, a suburb of Salt Lake City. Instead it was pulled from the schedule.

A message posted at the ticket window read: “There has been a change in booking and we will not be showing ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ We apologize for any inconvenience.”

The film, starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, is about two cowboys who discover feelings for one another. The two eventually marry women but rekindle their relationship over the years.

Those conservative Mormons. Ha, my boss told me the story how "One day when he heard a knock and door, opened up and found 2 young mormon lads at his doorstep trying to spread their word of joy! When he declined and went to slam his door shut only for it to bounce back open and show one of the Mormons flipping him the Bird...."

In honor of these great mormon ethics I give you all the free porn you want....yes totally free just Click Here!!

29 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 213 words by nbkilla Email - 392 views


Permalink It's Red Again

January 04, 2006 at 11:07 pm

Lohan Tits
Earlier today I got an e-mail from a loyal reader TheJediSilentBob (best e-mail addy .. ever), informing me about Lindsay Lohan admitting to a drug problem and bulemia that she denied having a few months ago.

Lindsay Lohan Admits Bulimia, Drug Use

(Jan. 4) -- Lindsay Lohan says she battled drug use and bulimia in an explosive interview that hit newsstands on Wednesday, just as news circulated that she was admitted into a Miami hospital for a severe asthma attack. The 19-year-old actress, whose acting and music careers along with her partying lifestyle have made her a paparazzi favorite, tells Vanity Fair that she was "sick," and that "I had people sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself.'"Lohan also says she used drugs "a little," but then adds "I've gotten that out of my system. ... I don't want people to think that I've done ... you know what I mean? It's kind of a sore subject."

The "Mean Girls" star cites Hollywood pressures along with emotional scars left by both her erratic father and her breakup from her first celebrity boyfriend, "That '70s Show" star Wilmer Valderrama as causes for her downward spiral.Lohan credits "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels with saving her from bulimia, saying he staged an intervention after she hosted the show. "I just started bawling," Lohan said of the incident. "I knew I had a problem, and I couldn't admit it. I saw that 'SNL' after I did it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms."Lohan also says her family was terrified of her physique. "My sister, she was scared. My brother called me, crying," Lohan said in the interview.The New York Post, reporting on the Vanity Fair article, says that the magazine was contacted by Lohan's publicist to try to have the references to drug use taken out of the story.

I know that we learned about the homelife destruction brought upon us by drug abuse and peer pressure but the health classes forgot to mention one important fact. If you do lots of coke and are bulemic .. you lose your tits like Lohan did. That's pretty much bottom line. So for all you females out there, it's a common fact that if you want to be loved you need to have a nice set of tits, so don't do blow.

DON'T DO DRUGS, OR DO THEM AND PUT OUT MORE! YOUR CHOICE!

Also: It IS ok to throw up every once in a while, no fat chicks.

8 comments

Categories: Celebrities

In 423 words by smurf Email - 222 views


Permalink It's no longer red

January 02, 2006 at 09:58 am

Anne Hathaway Nude
As a celebration of blood not coming out of my dick anymore (it's clear with no color now, I probably have no kidneys left), I've decided to post my 2 favorite 2005 reminder links. The first just so happens to be the Top 20 Female Nude Scenes in the movies this past year. Anne Hathaway's tits in that BRILLIANT straight-to-DVD piece of shit film she was in, topped the list. Some of the others are quite surprising so check it out and keep the box of Kleenex close.

And seeing as I have a ridiculous lovejones for all types of music, the other list just so happens to be the Top 50 Music Videos of 2005. Surprisingly, it's not all pop crap.

Enjoy and welcome to 2006.

3 comments

Categories: Celebrities, Entertainment

In 121 words by smurf Email - 405 views


Permalink Yo

January 01, 2006 at 03:31 am

I just urinated blood.

Happy New Year!

4 comments

Categories: General

In 7 words by smurf Email - 679 views


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