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New Port Richey, Florida — A teenager has been hospitalized with facial injuries caused when a bullet he found fired while held in a vice, the Pasco County Sheriff's Office reported Wednesday.

The victim, Alex Carman, 15, was taken to Bayfront Medical Center with injuries to the right upper cheek.

Investigators say the Riverridge H.S. student found a 380 bullet on the side of a road, brought it home and put it into a vice. He apparently struck the primer end of the bullet with a metal screw, causing it to fire.

They say a 22-caliber bullet pierced with a screw was also found near the vice. On the ground was a hammer and a small pool of blood.

Investigators say it "appears Alex placed the bullet in the vice, hammered a screw into the primer causing the bullet to explode."

They say it appears to be an accidental injury. There were no charges.

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231. Stepdad’s side of the story (12/20/06) - Shane, Boston, Age 51

About 17 years ago I married a woman I loved very much but she had a son from a previous marriage. We didn't get along too well. He was the kind of person who would be an asshole just to get a rise out of you.

For a while we all did OK, then last fall she developed a crack habit. When Christmas rolled around I was enjoying a nice bottle of '86 Bordeaux to celebrate and she walked up behind me and hit me with a plate of water crackers. In a daze, I started to fight back and hit her son on accident. She fell onto our glass coffee table and cut her eyes so badly she's nearly blind now.

She pressed charges and her shithead son testified that I stabbed her eyes out with a goddamned corkscrew. They believed him and are taking 17 years of my life. I've never been a violent person, but if I ever get out of here I am going to take his eyes and make him eat them.

200. The Christmas “ho” (12/14/06) - Anonymous, West Virginia, Age 30

My worst Xmas was when I was 14. I had been a latch-key kid for a few years (and was really starting to develope some serious personality disorders due to it), and on Xmas Eve, the few hours that my mom was going to be home, she took me shopping with my boyfriend. Upon returning home (and after mom left) my boyfriend sweet talked me into having sex (my first time, but not his). Well, mom came home early and caught us in the act and took my boyfriend home and yelled at his parents, who told the entire town over the next few days. By the time school was back in after the holiday vacation, I was greeted by the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" which stuck for many years. I ended up pregnant but had a miscarriage due to a disease he gave me, which has prevented me from ever having children.

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The Tigers are satisfied they won't see a recurrence of the right wrist and forearm inflammation that sidelined Joel Zumaya for three games of the American League Championship Series.

Why? Club president and general manager Dave Dombrowski told WXYT-AM (1270) on Wednesday the team had concluded Zumaya's injury resulted from playing a video game, not from his powerful throwing motion. "That was probably what was taking place," Dombrowski later told the Free Press.

Zumaya, 22, was known to play "Guitar Hero," a PlayStation 2 game in which a player uses a guitar-shaped controller to simulate the performance of popular songs.

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A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research. Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimeter.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavor is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimeters shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

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A mother convinced Rock Hill police to arrest her 12-year-old son after he unwrapped a Christmas present early.

The boy's great-grandmother had specifically told him not to open his Nintendo Game Boy Advance, which she had wrapped and placed beneath the Christmas tree, according to a police report.

But on Sunday morning, she found the box of the popular handheld game console unwrapped and opened. When the boy's 27-year-old mother heard about the opened gift, she called police.

"He took it without permission. He wanted it. He just took it," said the 63-year-old great-grandmother.

Both the great-grandmother and the mother asked the boy on Sunday where the present was. The boy replied he didn't know.

When the mother threatened to call the police, the boy went into his room and got the Game Boy, the report stated. She called the police anyway.

Two Rock Hill police officers responded to the home and charged the boy with petty larceny. He was charged as a juvenile and released the same day, said police spokesman Lt. Jerry Waldrop.

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"Its not just rappers its as African-Americans in general, we do a lot of things that are opposite of past history," Chamillionaire said. "We wear flashy jewelry and brag like its a trophy, when people in the present and past history would get killed for the diamonds. We promote violence and drugs but complain about violence and drugs. We don't vote but complain about who is in office. We throw the 'n-word' around like its a good thing, when in the past it was one of the most dreadful words. All this stuff has grown to become a part of the culture."

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The Game charged with impersonating cop

NEW YORK - Police think The Game should stick to rap, not law enforcement.

The rapper was arrested this week after telling a cab driver that he was an undercover police officer and persuading the driver to run a series of red lights, police said Saturday.

The 26-year-old, whose real name is Jayceon Taylor, allegedly picked up a livery cab Thursday night shortly after he appeared on "Late Show with David Letterman." The cabbie drove about 13 blocks before he was pulled over, police said. Taylor faces a charge of impersonating a police officer, said police Sgt. Kevin Hayes.

His lawyer, Jeffrey Lichtman, denied the accusation Saturday, saying police had been tailing his client throughout his stay in New York and that the cabbie was a terrible driver.

"This is really a new low even for the NYPD," Lichtman said. "It's a big joke to harass him and other members of the hip-hop community, and ultimately arresting him. Let's see how funny they think it is during the cross-examinations of this trial."

The rapper was told to appear in court on Dec. 12, Lichtman said.

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i went out wednesday afternoon to the local walmart to start camping out. when i got there, there were already 12 people ther so i got in line being number 13. i talked around and found out the first 6 people there had been there since monday, total hardcore nerds all planning to keep them. bragging about how only they should get the system since theyve been there the longest. how they are so dedicated and how if you dont want to do the time, you shouldnt get a system. generally being complete assholes. good for them. we had a hours to pass so we became friends and played some cards and whatnot. the 6 guys in front kept to themselves and didnt associate with the rest of us. we were cool with each other leaving the line to get food, bathroom, smoke, etc since we all knew each other and as long as they were back in 30 minutes. i was about to leave to go buy some KFC for a good number of us and when i stepped out of line, one of the nerds shouted that if i left, i would lose my spot. the other guys told him that they were vouching for me and that i was just getting food but those 6 assholes didnt care. they said i leave, i lose my spot and that was the rules and they would call the manager (they had his number) to come out and enforce it. i said whatever and stayed in line.

a few hours later, the manager came out and told everyone that there were only going to be SEVEN available. they have them in their store and theyre not getting anymore. he told the people after # 7 they should leave if they wanted to not waste their time. me being number 13 should have left but i didnt, i wanted to stick around for a little bit more. everyone else left except me and the 7 other people that were getting it for sure. so the day goes on and i try to make friends with the nerds. i play mario kart on the ds with them and talk to them about the games they were getting. about an hour or 2 later, i tell im gonnna head home since im 8 in line and theres only 7 ps3s. one of them made some stupid joke about if i leave the line then i aint getting back in!! har har. so as im about to leave, i tell them im going to the vons next door and if any of them wanted any food or coffee and id bring it back to them. one of them said yea and all the rest like sheep followed and said yes too. they were gonna give me money but i told them it was on me since theyve been out here since monday. the 7th guy in line wanted some food and coffee and i told him id buy some for him also.

so i go to vons and buy 8 coffees, some food, and some x-lax laxatives. i bring it to my car and put some laxatives in 6 of the coffees and seperate them from mine and #7s. i pull back to walmart and bring all the drinks and food upfront. i give #7 his stuff and then the coffees with laxatives to the 6 nerds annd wish them good luck and go back to my car. i park it around the corner so i can still see them.

about 30 minutes later, #2 and 3 in line get up and it seemed like they were yelling to the other nerds. they both ran into walmart. seconds later (i guess all nerds have the same biology) #5 gets up and runs across the parking lot and into the trees and bushes somewhere. #1 is scrounging for this portapotty type thing he'd brought with him but he is squirting everywhere and all over his pants and their sleeping bags. he runs into walmart. at this time, i start my car and drive back to the walmart to claim my spot in line. when i get there #4 and 6 are gone but i dont know where. #7 is laughing his ass off so hard and i just smile at him. i call up 5 of the other people that i had made friends with that were in line with me ( i had their phone numbers cause i was gonne buy to food for everyone) and told them to get back to the walmart ASAP and get in line. Meanwhile, me and #7 threw all their shit into the parking lot and i claimed my spot as #1, him as #2. 4 and the people i had called arrived and got in line just as 1 of the nerds came running back and got #7. he started yelling saying they need their spots back. we all told them to fuck off, out of spot, out of line. it was all of us against him so he didnt say shit. the nerds came back and tried to start some shit but we just laughed, we told them it was their rule and to go fuck themselves and clean the shit off their pants. the called security and security came. security man was like WTF is that fuckin smell and looked at the nerds with shit all of them and kicked them off the grounds screaming LMAO. so that is how i got my ps3.

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Federline is now scrimping where he can. He and his entourage of eight wannabe rappers showed up at downtown burlesque joint Corio for a comped dinner that would have cost him $1,200, a source tells us.

An eyewitness at the next table reports, "He just kept ordering more and more food and then asked for it to be put in containers so he could take the food out to the clubs with him. Then he started putting napkins in the tops of the tequila and vodka bottles and stuck them under his coat trying to sneak the liquor out with him. It was really unbelievable to watch. The guy obviously has enough money to buy a bottle of liquor on his own without trying to sneak it under his coat."

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SANTA MONICA, California (AP) -- Actor Daniel Baldwin was arrested on suspicion of stealing an SUV.

Baldwin was stopped Wednesday by officers in Santa Monica who saw him in a white GMC Yukon reported stolen in neighboring Orange County, authorities said.

The actor was taken to jail and booked for investigation of grand theft auto. Bail was set at $20,000.

"The car belongs to an acquaintance of Mr. Baldwin, but he had no permission to take it," said Jim Amormino, a spokesman for the Orange County sheriff's department.

The 46-year-old actor made news in July when he drove a rented car at more than 80 mph through Los Angeles traffic and crashed into two parked vehicles.

In April, he was arrested for investigation of cocaine possession, although prosecutors declined to file felony charges.

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TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences." In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She's also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney's fees.

Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman's show. Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was "a string of events."

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BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- The Iraqi High Tribunal in Baghdad on Sunday sentenced a combative Saddam Hussein and two other defendants to death by hanging for a brutal crackdown in 1982 in the Shiite town of Dujail.

Despite a curfew, Iraqis in Baghdad spilled out into the streets to celebrate the verdict. But protests were held in Saddam Hussein's hometown of Tikrit.

"The Saddam Hussein era is in the past now, as was the era of Hitler and Mussolini," said Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, calling Hussein the worst ruler ever in Iraq.

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I've gotten the privilege to write about some great stories in my time but nothing tops this. Ladies and gentlemen, there is an alleged Scarlett Johansson blowjob audio + partial videotape out there. I never thought I'd see the day. The people from this website have a copy of it and are looking to sell it. Here's some of the info:

It all started when I was walking near the sound tent and my buddy waived me over, smiling and chuckling to himself. He handed me a pair of headphones and informed me that (the actresses) mic was still on … she gets into a vehicle and shares some sweet talk with a guy. I thought she had a boyfriend, but I don’t recognize this guy’s voice … There is some rustling, then the vehicle door opens … She reclines the seat and gets back in. Skip ahead, here is some more sweet talk, then some more rustling, then they start kissing and so forth … THEN, for twelve minutes and forty seven seconds, she gives him the sexiest blow job I have ever heard capped off by the words “Yeah, cum”.

Now the site won't release who the sex tape is of to the general public until they speak to a lawyer. The general consensus was that the tape was of Hollywood Hoebag Lindsay Lohan for obvious reasons.. who else would be skanky enough to do something like this? Then the website posted a few hints for those that had more curiosity. The first hint was that the actress is currently shooting a movie (Scarlett). The second hint is that the actress has a VERY distinctive deep voice (Scarlett). The last hint was a bright red letter A (Ever read The Scarlet Letter?).

So if this is legit, I will be the happiest man on the planet. If it's not, then I'm going to be a dejected empty shell of a human being .. and I'll go back to waiting for the Screech sextape.

Update: Some people have pointed out that the video could be of cradle robbing Demi Moore. The thought behind this is that she was in the horrible cinematic version of The Scarlett Letter. The debate comes because all of her movies wrapped quite some time ago and she doesn't exactly have the most distinctive of voices. I guess we'll see.

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Do you guys have that friend that will constantly show things to you just to disgust you? He's probably the first person that showed you Tubgirl or Lemonparty. You know, that kind of person.

My good friend spung is that kind of person. Our relationship became closer when a few years ago he showed me a porno flick called Blazing Titties. The movie starts off like you'd expect the majority of pornos to do, but it pulls a complete 180 from there. One of the chicks puts a stick in her ass and on the end of the stick is a marshmallow. She proceeds to light the marshmallow on fire and jump on the dick of the nearest male pornstar. While she's riding him, with a lit marshmallow danging out of her ass, she lights another stick on fire and proceeds to deep throat the fire. It was the most amazing and hilarious thing I had ever seen in my life and it became a true bonding experience between us.

Today spung made me vomit up chicken fried rice. He asked me if I wanted to be offended and like any red blooded male I said "fuck yeah!" Big mistake. He passed me this link and I don't think I'll ever be the same person from here on out. Ever.

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Celebrities never cease to amaze me with their constant bitching and childlike behavior. The most recent jaw-dropping event was ex-Playboy whore Shanna Moakler throwing a "Divorce Party" about her split from ex-husband Travis Barker (formerly of Blink 182. While married the couple had a television show on MTV called Meet The Barkers). If you don't find the concept of a "Divorce Party" amusing enough, she advertised it on MySpace by sending a flier (seen below) to her entire friends list. Her friends list which was composed of about 78 thousand MySpace nerds as well as, you guessed it, her ex-husband.

And if THAT isn't adolescent and funny enough, Mr. Barker had the idiocy to respond to her comment with a MySpace bulletin to all of HIS friends which ALSO included his ex-wife:

SHANNA IS HAVING A DIVORCE PARTY FOR HERSELF IN CELEBRATION OF OUR FAILED MARRIAGE APPARENTLY….. THIS IS THE SAME WIFE THAT EMAILED ME TO TELL ME SHE WOULD BE SLEEPING WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND IN MY BED THE DAY OF OUR ANNIVERSARY 2 DAYS AGO SO THIS DOESN’T COME AS A SHOCK. AND THE SAME PERSON WHO IS MAKING “I LOVE SHANNA” SHIRTS FOR PEOPLE TO BUY, IN SUPPORT OF ALL THIS AND PLAYING THE VICTIM

It pretty much keeps going on and on like that, in all caps, with shitty grammar, for another few sentences. I guess there is something that we can learn from celebrities, a life lesson if you will. Do not marry Playboy models with fake tits because eventually all you're stuck with are 2 lumps of silicone, a huge alimony statement, and a complete bitch.

PS: Uh oh Google! I'm not sure who I want to win this lawsuit. I love watching videos like this but I fucking hate videobloggers.

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If you haven't already noticed, we've added a new whored link: sideboob.org. Usually I try to keep the self-whorage to a minimum but let's be honest folks, who DOESN'T love seeing a new sideboob every day of the week?

That's what I thought so do me a favor and check out the site. You can also click the ads while you're there cause papa needs a new Latino hooker! Err.. I mean cause I have hosting bills to pay.

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If that's not off-color enough, there's always these costumes. My personal preference is the child molesting priest. It's not shocking enough to secure a lonely Halloween night masturbating by yourself, but it's still edgy enough to have everyone at the party talking.

Anyway, I've decided to start a new tradition. I'm going to post my favorite freaky story of all time on each Halloween. Hopefully by the year 2010 repetition will have helped me immerse the entire United States in this tale. Enjoy.

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“Take away the right to say ‘fuck’ and you take away the right to say ‘fuck the government.’” - Lenny Bruce

This site has always existed for one simple but very important reason: To say what we want, about whatever we want, whenever we want, and however we want. We've always been anti-censorship and I'm pretty sure sometimes it shows in our work. It's because of this that I spent 2 hours yesterday watching a "borrowed" copy of the much talked about documentary Fuck.

I try not to sing the praises of movies too often because it tends to raise expectations to a height that can't be reached even if the movie is spectacular (PSST, go see The Departed!); however, watch this movie. If you haven't already gathered the topic of the movie, it's about the word Fuck. It explains the word's origin (or lack thereof), the many uses and meanings of fuck, and why people are offended by four simple letters. In addition the movie contains the opinions of Drew Carey, Kevin Smith, Billy Connolly, Pat Boone, and my main man Hunter S. Thompson. I don't want to give too much more away but the movie is definitely a great piece of insight as to literature and culture.

If you're still interested in seeing the film after reading that last paragraph of cock-sucking I gave it, Fuck will supposedly have a nationwide release on November 10th. If you live in one of those cities that would NEVER air a movie with a dirty word in the title, you can steal it instead. For those with FTP or Newsgroup access, the release name is Fuck.LIMITED.DVDSCR.XViD-2GOOD2BEAFLAMESRLS. If you don't have either of those then you can grab a torrent from here.

Let me know what you guys think.

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It's kind of an obligatory thing for me since I'm such a huge baseball fan. Let me point out a few things before I say my words tho.

This World Series was the lowest rated and least watched WS of all time.
The 2006 Cardinals were, statistics wise, the worst WS winners of all time.

Now that THATS over, congrats to the St. Louis Cardinals and my main man David Eckstein.

Pretty impressive feat for the shortest player in Major League Baseball. Not the MVP thing, but the act of downing an entire fifth of Cuervo straight. Hardcore.

Now if you'll excuse me, I lost 25 bucks on the fucking Tigers so I've got some dishes to wash and some toes to suck. Goodnight.

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ALBERTVILLE, AL -- Police are calling it a shocking crime in Alabama.

Police in Albertville say 19-year-old Gary Helms Junior is charged with raping his 45-year-old mother. Police say he did it to seek revenge against his brother after the two argued over a girlfriend.

The police report says Helms' mother was passed out drunk on the couch when the rape started. She came to and recognized her son during the attack. The police report says his mother tried to get away but Helms held her down until he was finished.

"From what we understand the rape stemmed from an argument between him and his brother. And apparently they were arguing over a girlfriend. And the rape was some sort of retaliation towards his brother ..."

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Being as I live in what some people might call the "Southern United States", I have to put up with the daily-run smear ads by annoying arrogant Republican douchepole Bob Corker. Every single day he runs a new commercial bragging about his excellent family life, how awesome he is, and how much his opponent sucks balls because he's not married with kids. In fact, just yesterday I saw a commercial where he just had his 2 daughters smiling at the camera. They say hello and near the end of the commercial Bob himself comes up and says "Hello America, I just wanted you to meet my daughters." Then he walks away with an arrogant smile on his face.

Thanks to the magic of the Internet, now we CAN meet his daughters. Or at least one of them.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Julia Corker.

She's the one on the left.

She's the one simulating doggy-style sex behind this girl.

I love the fucking Internet. I still don't understand why people let other people take/post pictures like this online. If you're going to go to a 'No Pants Party', keep it on the DL nigga.

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A few months ago a Swedish musician named Basshunter wrote an oddly catchy song. The name of the song was Boten Anna and within days the video seemed to spread across the Internet like wildfire. The reason for the songs popularity? Basshunter sung about a bot that he fell in love with on IRC called Anna. The song made it into the pop culture mainstream and everyone familiar with the IRC scene found this utterly amusing.

Story is over, right? Wrong. A short while ago some photos of this mysterious Swedish DJ surfaced. Photos of him banging some chubby chick named Emely.

It appears as tho Mr. Basshunter has finally found his 'Anna.'

PS: Watch this commercial.

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It’s cool that you are going to compare me to Jenn. However, there are more similarities between her and you than between her and I. For instance, you both have an over-inflated ego. You also both spend most of your spare time talking to middle-schoolers on the internet.

You told me you fell in love in with me for who I was, regardless of age. In reality, you went after me because of my age. I know you act like I was the only younger girl, but let’s be real.

You had pictures of Jenny from Jenny-Girl when she was underage. You sent me photos of Jillian when she was underage. You flirt with every girl you meet on the internet, and only a handful of them are over 21. Yes, Chenoa is legal, but she’s not even a year away from 17, and she’s substantially younger than you. So what, exactly, besides her willingness to come to you, is so appealing?

The reason you go after girls barely out of training bras is because you have nothing to offer a grown woman. You are 33 and still live with your mother. You’ve never had anything really resembling a career. You are socially inept and slovenly. You do nothing but spend your evenings playing DJ and looking for girls to get naked. That is who you are, John.

and the insulting is wrapped up with:

I have lived my life without regret. However, I recognize now that I have made two big mistakes in the last 19 years. The first was meeting you that June. The second was defending you and not letting you rot in jail, because John, you are a douchebag. And by “douchebag” I mean that you are completely unnecessary, potentially harmful, and always an insult to feminine dignity.

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Finally, something exciting happens. My nig Don showed me this photo of a crazy Chinese lady that went ape-shit today. She tried to slash her wrists with a razor blade in the middle of the road, and when that didn't work she decided to cut her own throat. As badass as this lady is, I have to hand it to the guys that stopped her from offing herself. I personally would not have approached a suicidal chick with razor blades bigger than my cock. Round of applause for you gentlemen.

Rofl, crazy lady. Look at her eyes. (I totally didn't mean that in a racist way.)

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There hasn't been too much in the 'interesting' category going on lately. The World Series hit a record low viewing, society keeps finding new ways to disgust and disappoint me, yet I still keep reading the news for amusement like this.

So when times get slow, I have no choice but to post an amazingly erotic photo of Scarlett Johansson.

It's a shame my dick still shoots blood or I'd be coming for her. (Pun TOTALLY intended!)

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ORLANDO, FL -- Mother Says Daughter's Class Picture Was Doctored

A local family is outraged by a school photo. When the pictures came back from the studio, a seven-year-old girl’s image appeared to have been doctored to give her cleavage.

The debate is whether the photo just has a very strange shadow or it's been digitally altered by someone. “It's just bad. It's horrible. She's my baby, not for somebody to look at her like that. She's seven, she's not an adult,” said the girl’s mother, Jenn Truhe.

Truhe cries when she thinks about her daughter’s school picture in disbelief about the class photos she received on Tuesday. “It blew my mind. I couldn't believe that someone would do that,” she said.

The picture showed the 1st grader with what appears to be significant cleavage. The question remains, is it real or is it Photoshop? Photoshop is a high tech computer program that Truhe believes was used to alter her child's picture.

The owner of the studio would not talk on camera, but said the image is exactly what the camera captured when the picture was taken at Keeth Elementary School in August.

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One of my friends sent me this e-mail yesterday but with all the plane crash stuff going on I forgot all about it. Enjoy.

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert!

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,
Ethan Albright

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Uh ohz. Too bad it wasn't the Yankees team charter.

Update: Oops. Talk about ironic. It appears that the pilot of the plane was actually Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle. My bad :\\

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After the Sox finished in a disappointing 3rd place this year, I only had one reason to watch postseason baseball. To enjoy the defeat of the New York Yankees by the Detroit Tigers.

Fuck yes. I can relax this Winter in peace.

Update: Check this out.

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Sometimes I like to masturbate before taking a big test. It relieves tension and clears my mind.. plus I love jerking off so any excuse is a good excuse.

I loaded up some kinky homemade amateur porn and whipped out 'ole trusty (my whack rag). After a couple of minutes of feverish action I 'finished up' my mission.. then I looked down. What I saw when I looked down was not the normal white happy smurf juice. In fact there wasn't much white at all, mostly red.

Red. Not white. Blood. Not semen. I tried to gain my composure and reminded myself that this isn't the first time Smurf Jr. has coughed up blood. The same thing happened on New Years Eve last year and I lived through it just fine.

I tossed 'ole trusty (now 'ole rusty, R.I.P.) in the 'ole trashcan and headed downstairs to grab a shower. Halfway through shampooing my hair I got the urge to do some post-orgasm pissing and for the second time in a day blood came out of the wrong hole. 100% pure type A blood. My knees went weak and I grabbed onto the shower curtain so I wouldn't fall over. I finished my shower without throwing up OR blacking out.

After drying off I got dressed and ready to go take my test. I hopped in my car, closed the door, and turned it on. The radio clicked on and Finch - Bitemarks and Bloodstains started playing. If you've never heard this song before, the singer yells BLOOD LOSS BLOOD LOSS for a solid 30 seconds. This caused me to lose it and projectile vomit out of my window.

From there I hung my head and drove to class with puke running down the side of my door. Thus ends another day in the life of Smurf.

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Gaultier swaps Size O models for 'Size 20'

Fashion designer Jean Paul Gaultier found his own way to comment on the 'size zero' debate - by putting a larger model down the catwalk to show off his clothes.

Dressed in a daring black corsetry, the plus-sized model dwarfed her fellow waif-like catwalk queens.

Clearly more of a size 20 than the controversial model Size 0, this voluptuous woman proved big is beautiful as she strutted down the runway at Gaultier's 30th anniversary show yesterday during fashion week in Paris.

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Porn star's name may ring a 'Bell'

NEW YORK, NY - He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond.

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."

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"A curse upon both your houses!"

I had always thought that was something said in a Shakespeare play but it is not true. That line was said by John Madden after they decided to replace a photograph of his smiling face with an athlete's picture on the box for the Madden NFL video game series. Ever since that fateful day, every football player that has decided to grace Madden NFL with his presence has been hurt or had a horrible season.

This year, the tradition continues. Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander had been selected to be on the game because of his amazing MVP season last year. Alexander went around prior to this season doing interviews about 'The Madden Curse' and saying things like "it won't happen to me" and "there's no such thing as curses."

Unfortunately for him, there is a curse. Today it was determined that Mr. Alexander fractured a bone in his foot during opening weekend and will have to miss almost half of the season. Poor bastard just couldn't say no to the endorsement money and now he's fucked. Let's take a look at the other 8 men that suffered this fate before him:

1999 - Garrison Hearst - Broke his ankle in the playoffs and missed two full seasons recovering.
2000 - Dorsey Levens - Gets cut by the Packers the very next year and ends his career as a nobody.
2001 - Eddie George - Made an embarassing fumble in the playoffs and cost his team their season.
2002 - Daunte Culpepper - Got hurt and his team subsequently missed the playoffs after doing well the prior year.
2003 - Marshall Faulk - Injured himself resulting in the Rams missing the playoffs and eventually his retirement.
2004 - Michael Vick - Fractured his leg in the pre-season and missed 75% of the regular season.
2005 - Ray Lewis - Broke his wrist and ended up having one of his least spectacular professional football seasons ever.
2006 - Donovan McNabb - Missed half of the season with an injury and was forced to put up with an arrogant prick named T.O.

There you have it, the history of The Madden Curse. I can't help but think the cover of next year's game will have a 3rd string lineman from the Cleveland Browns.

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I've got nothing interesting to say at all except that if you haven't watched this video already, you should.

Max: Stop playing fucking WoW you addict.

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Jesus loves you, this I know.

Let's tackle the most perplexing subject first. Film star Jackie Chan has admitted to acting in a porno 31 years ago. The movie was called "All In The Family" and supposedly was a softcore flick, much like the crap that is shown on Cinemax every night. I'm looking at YOU Emmanuelle and David Duchovny's Red Shoe Diaries! Anyway, Mr. Kung Fu shrugged off the mention of the movie and said "I had to do anything I could to make a living 31 years ago, but I don't think it's a big deal, even Marlon Brando used to be exposed in his movies." Someone has to find the tape and let me know the answers to these 2 questions:

1. With a title like 'All In The Family', was this an AZN incest flick?!
2. Does the 'asians have small penises' stereotype hold true for someone as badass as Jackie Chan?

Ok, time to make a seemless transition into religion straight from tit flicks. FOX Home Video has decided to make their political views even less transparent by creating a new movie release banner titled FoxFaith. They plan on releasing a dozen films per year under the name and have already struck up a contract with AMC Theatres and Carmike Cinemas to release six of them in theatres nationwide. Way to go guys. Part of me is hoping that this decision plus the MySpace purchase will be enough to send Fox into the shitter. The other part of me hopes it doesn't because I'd sure as hell miss Prison Break, The Shield, and Family Guy. Don't fucking blow it Rupert Murdoch.

ONE last thing I want to mention before I publish this. French people are now getting fat too. That amuses me to no end and it honestly writes it's own jokes.

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Recently Circuit City created a "tech group" at their store called Firedog. It was meant to rival Best Buy's own group, Geek Squad. Both groups are supposed to solve computer problems (usually for computer illiterate old ladies).

Anyway, I thought it was kind of lame that CC had to create a copycat company. I wasn't aware there was that kind of rivalry until I talked to my homie Mizi. He used to work at CC and he informed me that people from Best Buy would come over and try to hire the CC supervisors for more money, and vice versa. I found this kind of interesting, but even MORE interesting when someone showed me a closer view of their site. It seems that Geek Squad isn't the only thing that Circuit City copied..

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Firedog Photo 1 - This photo shows an image that is used on the website for Linksys. Then it shows the same exact photo, mirrored, being used on the Firedog website.

Now I know that a lot of webdesigners use the same image banks but usually when they purchase an image for a high corporation website such as Linksys, they purchase it for life, right? I guess maybe you can give Firedog the benefit of the doubt here.

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Firedog Photo 2 - This photo shows the FAQ from the Geek Squad website. Then it shows the FAQ from the Firedog website. If you look at it, you'll notice that about 75% of the text is exactly the same. Even the order of the questions on the page are the same.

Ok, now I'm not sure exactly how they would defend this one. There's no real benefit of the doubt when it comes to plagiarism. The only excuse I can think of for this is that they were using it as a place holder for the real text; however, when you do something like that, you do NOT have the site go live with that text. Ever. And besides, most "real" designers use Latin for placeholders anyway.

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I'd love to hear what Circuit City's response on this is.

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On their way to dig up a grave in rural southwestern Wisconsin, the Grunke brothers and a friend stopped at a Wal-Mart to pick up some condoms, authorities said.

Three days later, on Tuesday, twins Nicholas and Alexander Grunke, 20, and Dustin Radke, 20, were charged in Grant County with attempted theft and attempting to have sex with a corpse.

"In different schools that teach you about bizarre behavior, necrophilia is one of those things that you hear about, but never think you'll have to deal with," said Grant County Sheriff Keith Grovier.

A Cassville police officer arrived at the St. Charles Cemetery on Saturday night after a neighbor alerted police to suspicious activity, according to a criminal complaint filed Tuesday. The officer found an abandoned vehicle parked near the cemetery. Minutes later, the complaint stated, the officer saw Alexander Grunke walking toward the vehicle, dressed in black and sweating profusely.

After being questioned, Grunke told the officer his brother and Radke were trying to dig up a grave, according to the complaint.

The two drove into the cemetery to find the partially dug grave of a 20-year-old woman who was killed in a motorcycle accident Aug. 27 in Cassville. The diggers had only managed to reach the top of the grave's concrete vault.

Nicholas Grunke and Radke were arrested Sunday morning in Beetown, about eight miles from the cemetery.

The complaint said Radke told police that Nicholas Grunke had asked him to help dig up the Cassville woman's body and take it to Grunke's house, so that Grunke could have sex with it. On the way to the cemetery, Radke said, they stopped by a Dodgeville Wal-Mart to buy condoms "because Nick wanted to use them when he had sex with a corpse," the complaint added.

Grovier said the three did not know the woman but had seen her picture in a newspaper obituary.

...

Radke and the Grunkes were being held Tuesday night in the Grant County jail. The Grunke brothers were assigned a $1,000 bond, while Radke had a $1,500 bond for previous misdemeanor charges of resisting arrest, Grovier said.

Each could face nearly 5½ years in prison and a $17,500 fine.

Dustin Radke


Nicholas Grunke


Alexander Grunke

Achim Grunke


James Grunke


Anna Grunke, who herself may or may not be a corpse already, which would make it okay if she were.

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If you haven't heard by now, some crazy FRENCH Canadian went on a shooting rampage at a FRENCH college yesterday morning. Here's the big shocker: a lot of people online are saying they don't give a shit because the school was known as a university for arrogant pricks. Arrogant French Canadians? My eyes and ears must be deceiving me, there's no such thing as arrogant French Canadians!

Anyways, like with any other school shooter, this kid "hated authority figures and 'jocks' for their bullying." I'm sure the bullying had nothing to do with the fact that he wore black eyeshadow and nail polish, and he posted things like "My car. It sits in the Darkness. Waiting. Watching." on his VampireFreaks profile (Google Cache). Sure, it probably had nothing to do with his emo poetry, "Anger And Hatred Simmers Within Me", or the fact that he shaved the sides of his head and left the top long. I'm sure it had absolutely nothing to do with that.

It also probably had nothing to do with the fact that he took pictures of himself while trying to look like 'Captain Hardcore!'

They probably didn't tease him because his name was Kimveer either; or because he drew pictures of tombstones with his name on them.

Yeah.. douchebag. Find a better way to get rid of your anger, take up boxing or make fun of people on your INTERNETZ website. Works for me.. of course my name isn't Kimveer either ;) Fag.

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Payback is a BITCH! If you don't have a strong stomach, then I recommend skipping over this story as it's pretty fucked up. But if you LOL at people getting what they deserve, read on..

MILWAUKEE - An 11-year-old girl who allegedly had sex with as many as 20 people as a 16-year-old girl watched and coached her has had HIV since birth, an alderman who met with the family said Friday. Her mother died of AIDS and the girl lives with family members, he said.

Also Friday, the 16-year-old's uncle, Freeman Gurley, 40, and Darnell Chaney, 17, were charged with two counts of first-degree sexual assault of a child in the incident, which authorities said took place Monday in a house on the city's north side.

The 16-year-old girl was charged Wednesday in juvenile court with four counts of being a party to first-degree sexual assault of a child. A 15-year-old boy was charged with two counts in juvenile court. Court records say as many as 20 men and boys took part in the sex acts.

[...]

According to the complaint filed Friday in adult court against Gurley and Chaney, the 11-year-old said the 16-year-old told her she should perform various sex acts on a number of young men at the house Monday and she agreed.

When the uncle, Freeman Gurley, came home from work the teenage girl encouraged the 11-year-old to have sex with him, the complaint said. Initially, the 11-year-old refused but then gave in, the complaint said.

At one point the 11-year-old was performing oral sex on Chaney while Gurley was having intercourse with her, the complaint said.

I can't quite figure out what the most disturbing part of this story is:

The fact that an 11 yr old girl was being railed by a 40 yr old man while sucking off a 17 yr old..
or
The fact that a 16 yr old girl was teaching her how to do this..
or
The fact that an 11 yr old girl can play ignorant and pretend she doesn't know what she should or shouldn't be doing..

Oh well, it doesn't really matter; they all have AIDS now so I get the last laugh and lemme tell ya, I'm laughing HARD.

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Next up in 'The Best Day Ever' is this resurrection of the greatest interview to ever take place. Before I had seen this video, Ben Affleck was nothing more to me than a Hollywood douchebag. Now he's a Hollywood douchebag that is an awesome drunk. Here are my favorite parts of the interview:

[As he molests her chest and she gropes him back]
"It's Sunday morning? That never stopped you before from getting them titties out."

[On how he might appear to the public after this interview]
"I look like I have cerebal pallsy DUR DURRRRRRRR"

[The whore interviewer starts grabbing him back]
"All you want to do is have sex, you don't want to talk.. you don't want to hold me.."

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Last but not least, the newest people to make my shitlist are YouTube videoblogging whores. So with that, it brings me great pleasure to present these nude pictures of famous ex-YouTuber Emmalina. I found them posted on a porn site a few days ago so I'm sure they're old but better late than never, eh?

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Ok, I debated on writing this yesterday but I was talked out of it; then the subject came up in the comments of this entry so fuck it. The first pictures of a young Suri Cruise have finally been released.

Who the fuck is Suri Cruise and why should you care? Suri is the lovechild of my ex-role model Tom Cruise and my ex-celebrity crush Katie Holmes. If you don't know the story, both of them hooked up a little over a year ago and Tom squirted his scientology craziness into Ms. Holmes womb. Less than 9 months later, their child was born. I know, I know, it takes 9 months for a fetus to develop, right? Well that's what I thought, and that's what the media thought too.

Katie went into labor and time passed without any information on the child or any photographs of him/her/it. So the question for the past few weeks has been, 'Is Suri Cruise real? Did they just make this up as some kind of crazy L Ron Hubbard tribute? Is the third chapter of Dianetics about creating a fake kid?' Nobody knew. Hell, Some newspapers even went so far as to get a copy of young Suri's birth certificate; however, yesterday morning some pictures finally surfaced to settle the doubts of some people, but not I..

My personal theory is that they kidnapped a Korean child and are using it as a publicity stunt to keep the spotlight on Scientology; but that's a story for another day..

Now as to whether Suri is a boy or a girl. I did a little research and they had decided the name before the child's sex was even determined. Well the verdict is in and according to this magazine headline Suri was born a female.

So what does Suri mean? According to my good friend sp0ar, it means the following:

India: It's another way of referring to the MALE god Krishna.
Hebrew: Get the fuck away from me.
Japanese: Pickpocket.

Way to go Tom Cruise.

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GOD DAMMIT, TELL ME THAT GIRL DOESN'T LOOK ASIAN!@##@!

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#1 - In October of 03, Banksy smuggles a painting into a London art gallery. The painting depicts a rural farmhouse covered with police caution tape. He glues it onto the wall as a protest towards a crime prevention program called 'Crimewatch UK'.

#2 - March of 2005, he sneaks into the 4 most famous museums in NY to hang his artwork. All of the canvas' included anti-war sentiments that hung for days upon days.

#3 - A British museum is the next to feel Mr. Banksy's wrath as he sneaks yet more work inside without being noticed. This time it was a fake prehistoric rock with a drawing of a caveman pushing a shopping cart.

#4 - Banksy pulled off one of his coolest 'stunts' in late summer of 05. On a trip to Israel he decided to do a little painting on their West Bank barrier walls. The art was mainly a window with a landscape inside of it depicting beautiful scenery on the other side of the wall.

#5 - One of his more recent activities was painting a naked man hanging out of a window while hiding from the husband of a hottie he just banged (as pictured on the left). The graffiti was allowed to stay on the wall in a vote decided upon by the public.

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NEW YORK (AFP) - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show their baby daughter off in public, but eager fans were given an unusual preview with the chance to see a bronze cast depicting her first solid stool.

The scatological sculpture -- more doodoo than Dada -- is purportedly cast from 19-week old Suri's first bowel movement and will be shown at the Capla Kesting gallery in Brooklyn, New York, before being auctioned off for charity.

The artist behind the work, Daniel Edwards, previously courted controversy with a life-size nude sculpture of pop star Britney Spears giving birth on a bearskin rug. That work was shown at the same gallery in April.

"A bronzed cast of baby's first poop can be a meaningful memento for the family," gallery director David Kesting said, adding that he hoped the work would attract bids of up to 25 or 30,000 dollars.

The sculpture, which sits on a wooden mounting with a glass casing, is to be sold on eBay next month with proceeds from the sale going to infant health charity March Of Dimes.

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Kyra Phillips: "–assholes– Yeah, I’m very lucky in that regard with my husband. My husband is handsome and he is genuinely a loving, you know, no ego–[unintelligible] you know what I’m saying. Just a really passionate, compassionate great, great human being. And they exist. They do exist. They’re hard to find. Yup. But they are out there."

[unidentified woman]: ‘We’ll see. He’s going to come, you know, he’s set for an extended visit–[unintelligible]"

Phillips: "I mean, that’s, that’s how you figure it all out, those extended visits. [laughter]"

[unidentified woman]: "Yeah, but my mom, I think she really likes him."

Phillips: "Mom’s got a good vibe? Good."

[unidentified woman]: "Yeah, my brother’s the one that–[unintelligible]"

Phillips: "Brother–of course, brothers have to be, you know, protective. Except for mine. I’ve got to be protective of him."

[unidentified woman]: unintelligible

Phillips: "Yeah. He’s married, three kids, but his wife is just a control freak."

[unidentified woman #2]: "Kyra."

Phillips: "Yeah, baby?"

[unidentified woman #2]: "Your mic is on. Turn it off. It’s been on the air."

Seconds later, reporter Daryn Kagan stumbled through this awkward transition:

Daryn Kagan: "Alright, we’ve been listening in to President Bush as he speaks in, uh, New Orleans today. This is the one year anniversary of Katrina making land shore there. President Bush saying if another natural disaster hits, our country–we must, uh, react better than that. Let’s listen in once again to President Bush."

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This is just a quick little post before I head out for the night. First off, I just want to mention that Sir Elton John has vowed to make a hip hop record soon. And I quote, "I want to work with Pharrell, Timbaland, Snoop, Kanye, Eminem and just see what happens. It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic, but you don't know until you try." This will indeed be his first rap record at the ripe old age of 59 years old. I guess if anyone can do it, it'd be him..

Anyway, I made a promise to my nig Mizi that I would link the trailer to his new movie. Keeping good on my promise, here is a preview for Duality. Enjoy and lemme know what you think.

New subject, I have said since day 1 that WoW is the antichrist and now I've got more facts to back my case. This is a story of a man that was suspected of being a terrorist and strip searched all because of World Of Warcraft. Owned.

Last but not least, messican food company Pink Taco has submitted a $30m dollar proposal to get the Arizona Cardinals stadium named after them. How awesome would it be to take your family on a wholesome trip to the Pink Taco Palace and not be arrested for child neglect?!

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WATERTOWN, New York (AP) -- The minister of a church that dismissed a female Sunday School teacher after adopting what it called a literal interpretation of the Bible says a woman can perform any job -- outside of the church.

The First Baptist Church dismissed Mary Lambert on August 9 with a letter explaining that the church had adopted an interpretation that prohibits women from teaching men. She had taught there for 54 years.

The letter quoted the first epistle to Timothy: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

NEW YORK (AP) -- Pornographic movies now seem nearly as pervasive in America's hotel rooms as tiny shampoo bottles, and the lodging industry shows little concern as conservative activists rev up a protest campaign aimed at triggering a federal crackdown.

A coalition of 13 conservative groups -- including the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America -- took out full-page ads in some editions of USA Today earlier this month urging the Justice Department and FBI to investigate whether some of the pay-per-view movies widely available in hotels violate federal and state obscenity laws.

Though porn is now cheaply and readily accessible on the Internet, and through many other outlets, the activists chose to target the hotel industry in part because of the well-known brands of corporations that cater to family vacationers as well as business travelers.

"These are places that you take your family -- these are respectable institutions," said Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council. "Anything that brings porn into the mainstream is a concern. It just desensitizes people."

"Really ultraconservative groups try to target the hotels in their zest to eliminate porn," Shepard [of Hilton] said. "In their zest to have their personal morals prevail, they're eliminating choice for others."

Though unable to cite specific cases, Burress [a self-described former porn addict who heads the Cincinnati-based Citizens for Community Values] contended that the availability of in-room porn is making hotels more dangerous.

"As more and more of these (hardcore) titles become available, we're going to have sexual abuse cases coming out of the hotels," he said. "Hotels are just as dangerous as environments around strip joints and porn stores."

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BLACKSBURG, Virginia (AP) -- After a massive manhunt that shut down the Virginia Tech campus on the first day of classes, police on Monday captured an escapee suspected in the slayings of a hospital guard and a sheriff's deputy.

Morva, 24, had escaped from a hospital where he had been taken for treatment of a sprained wrist and ankle early Sunday.

Morva, who had been jailed awaiting trial on charges of attempting to rob a store last year, apparently shed his orange prison jumpsuit after escaping.

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MTV star arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting 2 young girls

Reality TV star 'Don Vito' or Vincent Margera, 50, was arrested Friday evening shortly after 8 p.m. outside the Denver Woodward Skatepark at the Colorado Mills Mall, according to Lakewood police.

Police said Margera is accused of touching two 12-year-old girls inappropriately after an autograph session at the skate park.

The skate park was holding a meet and greet event featuring 'Don Vito' and 'Glomb' from MTV's Viva La Bam reality TV show. Roughly 60 people came to the event.

A friend of one of the victims told 9NEWS that she talked with one of the 12-year-olds and she sounded scared while talking to mall security.

Jim Shires of the Jefferson County Sheriff's Department said Margera is being charged with two counts of sexual assault on a child. Shires also told 9NEWS he will be held on zero bond until he appears in court. He is currently at the Jefferson County Jail.

Bam Margera, Vincent Margera's nephew, made him famous on his show Viva La Bam. The MTV reality show followed the life and practical jokes of Bam and his friends and family. [He] has also appeared on MTV's Jackass, VH1's Celebrity Fit Club and various movies and commercials.

Margera will be advised of his charges in court Monday at 10 a.m.

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This has got to be one of my favorite stories thus far this year. Some greasy haired pimple faced little fuck that lives in his parents basement got busted by AOL last year for spamming their customers. Now I hate AOL as much as the next guy, but I REALLY fucking hate spammers so my sympathy for this guy is zilch.

Anyway, the kid got ordered to pay almost $13 mil in damages and skipped town after the judgement. AOL got a tip that he bought some solid gold bars and buried them underneath his parents house. Now they get to dig for them.

A real treasure hunt could be breaking ground in Medfield.

AOL is preparing to dig up the property of Davis Wolfgang Hawke’s parents -- located on Philip Street -- in search of gold and platinum after winning a lawsuit against the spammer, who allegedly sent millions of unwanted spam emails to the company’s customers. AOL won the $12.8 million judgment last year, but has not been able to get a hold of Hawke to start collecting the money he was ordered to pay.

"This exercise isn't something out of ... 'Treasure Island.' This is a court-directed, judge-approved legal process that is simply aimed at responsibly recovering hidden assets," AOL spokesman Nicholas Graham told the Associated Press. To back the plan to dig near the Medfield home, AOL provided receipts that showed large purchases by Hawke of gold and platinum bars. The company believes Hawke buried the bars on the property with a shovel.

The company told Hawke’s parents they would try not to be too obtrusive.

Sometimes, I love America.

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Update: This story just keeps getting better and better. According to this article, the kid was a Neo-Nazi freak that legally changed his name from Andrew Britt Greenbaum (pretty Jewy, huh?) to a more Hitler-esque Davis Wolfgang Hawke. Now for the funnier part, the spamming he was doing was for penis-enhancement pills he made himself, as well as various diet drugs.

Then yesterday his grandmother and parents came out and said that they 'swore' he talked about burying his gold in NC and NH and various other locations. Sounds to me like someone doesn't want their petunias dug up!

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There was an article written for Sports Illustrated the other day that absolutely berated these 2 PONY league baseball coaches from Utah for ordering an intentional walk (IBB). For those of you that aren't very familiar with baseball, an intentional walk is something managers often do so that they can get around pitching to a good hitter and deal with the player after them in the lineup. This particular decision happened to send the entire town into a frenzy, piss off multiple sports reporters, and even get state polititions involved somehow. Why?

The walk was ordered to get past a heavy swinging batter to pitch to a 9 year old child with brain cancer. Well, to be fair, he was just a brain cancer SURVIVOR; he didn't even have it anymore. The kid naturally struck out swinging, and became the final out in the league playoff championship game.

Let me carefully go through the lessons I learned while playing sports competitively as a kid, and well up into my teen years:

1. Play to have fun, and what's more fun than winning? If you have to K a disabled kid to do so, so be it.

2. People with disabilities want to be treated like everyone else (I didn't really learn that from playing sports, I learned it from pushing a cripple down the stairs, but that's a whole new story..) If you're going to walk a good hitter to get to a bad one, don't change your mind just because the kid had cancer once upon a time.

3. If you're going to cry about being a bad player, then try harder. It doesn't take much more than a summer of daily practice to become good at a sport on that level. If you don't feel like putting in the effort then go take a fingerpainting course at the local Boys and Girls Club. Who knows, you could be the next Andy Warhol or Jean-Michel Basquiat.

4. The most unsportsmanlike thing you can do is complain about somebody else being unsportsmanlike. Alls fair in love and war (as long as you follow the rule book, no fucking cheaters.)

That's life guys and it's about time the whiney authors at Sports Illustrated, MSNBC, and KSL get used to it. Strike three.

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"I've had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane!"

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This is some AWESOME Mexican food.

Late last night we decided to follow through on a long-standing plan of ours to upgrade the site to a newer backend. The reasoning being this is that deleting 300 spam comments a day was cutting into my masturbation time, and .. that's really the only reason; I love to jerk it. The install went flawlessly due to some excellent work by the Eluid staff (and by that I really mean astridas, the true brains behind this operation) and the site is in full working condition. Now for the downsides, as there always seems to be some with new software.

The first negative is that there is no more referrers script. This has been deprecated by the geniuses that wrote the software for God knows what reason. I'm going to be working on installing a 3rd party one soon.

The second issue is the CAPTCHA plugin. This is kind of a good/bad thing. It helps weed out spammers, but it's pretty annoying if you're an anonymous user. So my suggestion is to fill out this form and register to post your comments. No annoyance whatsoever.

I guess those are really the only issues that I've run across. If you're having any problems viewing the site (and you're using Firefox or another 'alternative browser', I don't help you IE weirdos), just let me know and I'll look into it. MUCHOS GRACIAS SENORS.

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LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Robin Williams is seeking treatment for alcoholism, publicist Mara Buxbaum said Wednesday. The 55-year-old comedian had been sober for 20 years, Buxbaum said.

Williams "found himself drinking again and has decided to take proactive measures to deal with this for his own well-being and the well-being of his family," she said in a statement. "He looks forward to returning to work this fall to support his upcoming film releases."

[..]

Williams stars in "Man of the Year," due in October, and voices an animated penguin in "Happy Feet," slated for release in November.

He won an Oscar for his supporting role in 1997's "Good Will Hunting."

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Marshall, Texas - Four penguins traveling from the Indianapolis Zoo to a zoo in Texas died Tuesday in a truck accident. Two zoo employees suffered minor injuries when the truck overturned on a highway near Marshall in east Texas.

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Two zoo employees [..] took care of the birds at the scene. "We know that we have a king penguin with a broken wing. We have another two that appeared to be suffering from shock - couple of cuts and dings," said Karen Burns, Indianapolis Zoo.

The accident comes just a few days after the penguins made their last public appearance at the Indianapolis Zoo. The penguins, who are a crowd favorite, were traveling to a zoo in Galveston, Texas, while their Indianapolis home undergoes a year of renovations.

Hoosiers grow fond of the birds every time a baby penguin is born, and all of us enjoy watching the penguins grow up. The employees who take care of the birds.. Grow attached to the penguins. Zoo officials say the injured penguins will get medical attention at a zoo in Tyler, Texas.

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LONDON (AP) -- Tour de France champion Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone during the race, his Phonak team said Thursday on its Web site, raising questions about his victory.

The team suspended Landis, pending results of the backup "B" sample of his drug test, just four days after Landis stood on the victory podium on the Champs-Elysees, succeeding seven-time winner Lance Armstrong as an American winner in Paris.

The Swiss-based Phonak team said it was notified by the UCI on Wednesday that Landis' sample showed "an unusual level of testosterone/epitestosterone" when he was tested after stage 17 of the race last Thursday.

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A cardboard sign hanging in a tree, directed at a boy with developmental disabilities, and the boy's mother, isn't happy. Carrie Heaton, Colton's Mother: "They've put up this sign now, that we feel is very discriminatory against my son."

The cardboard sign is hanging in a tree in the Central Utah town of Nephi. It is also being denounced tonight by advocates for the disabled. The boy's family noticed the sign pointed at their home on Wednesday night, and tonight it is still there. That's despite our visit to the neighbors who put it up. Advocates for the disabled are outraged, calling it insensitive and in the same category as a racial slur.

13-year-old Colton Heaton is developmentally delayed. His mother says he is more like a three year old. Carrie Heaton, Nephi Resident: "He looks normal but once you start talking to him, you can see he has these problems and he's just a loving little guy, he thinks we're just a great big family."

But now a cardboard sign is hanging in their neighbor's tree -- spray painted with the words: "Caution-- Retards in Area." His mother says it is fortunate Colton can't read the words. As we were filming the sign, we could see the neighbors who put it up were outside, so we approached them for their side of the story.

Sam Penrod, Eyewitness News: "Why did you put that sign up?
Neighbor: "I've been harassed for six months, my daughter has been assaulted."
Sam Penrod, Eyewitness News "By who?"
Neighbor: "The young boy, we got pictures and everything and they would not press charges because he is handicapped."

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Dakota Fanning to be raped

War of the Worlds star Dakota, 12, has signed up to appear in Hounddog. The screenplay calls for Fanning's character to be raped in one explicit scene and to appear naked or clad only in "underpants" in several other horrifying moments.

A source close to the film said: "The two taboos in Hollywood are child abuse and the killing of animals. "In this movie, both things happen." Fanning's mother, Joy, and her Hollywood agent, Cindy Osbrink, see the movie, written and directed by Deborah Kampmeier, as a possible Oscar vehicle for the pint-size star.

But despite Fanning's status as a bankable actress - whose movies, including last year's War of the Worlds have earned more than half a billion dollars since 2001 - the alarming material seems to have scared off potential investors, according to the New York Daily News.

The film charts the life of a girl who is abused and finds solace in the music of Elvis Presley.

Fanning's carefully choreographed rape scene has already been filmed. But then the production - which also stars Robin Wright Penn, David Morse and Piper Laurie - was stopped because of a lack of money. But emergency investors were found and the movie is set to be finished by the end of the week.

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Avril Lavigne forms Pop-Punk matrimony with Sum 41 frontman

MONTECITO, Calif. - Avril Lavigne has married a fellow Canadian musician. Lavigne married Deryck Whibley, guitarist and frontman for Sum 41, on Saturday, at a private estate near Santa Barbara, People magazine reported on its Web site.

The young rockers had a mostly traditional ceremony, the magazine said. Lavigne wore a Vera Wang gown, carried white roses and was walked down the aisle by her father as Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" played.

Lavigne, 21, and Whibley, 26, exchanged vows under an awning covered in white flowers.

Carmen says bye-bye Rocker Boi

LOS ANGELES - "`Til Death Do Us Part" — not quite. Actress Carmen Electra and musician Dave Navarro are "amicably separating," Electra's publicist, Brit Reece, said Monday.

Reece would not elaborate on the reasons behind the split. Former "Baywatch" star Electra and former Red Hot Chili Peppers guitarist Navarro documented their 2003 wedding on MTV's "`Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave."

The sexy pair met on a blind date, and "it was love at first sight," Electra told The Associated Press during an interview in 2004. Navarro currently co-hosts the CBS talent competition "Rock Star."

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It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight!

A political party with a paedophile agenda has been registered in The Netherlands, prompting outrage among many parts of society. The party plans to push for a cut in the legal age for sexual relations to 12 from 16 and for legalisation of child pornography and sex with animals. The Charity, Freedom and Diversity (NVD) party says it promotes freedom of speech and will stand in May elections.

[..]

The party says its aim is to break taboos and fight intolerance. Its members say they want paedophilia to be freely discussed, arguing that a ban just makes children curious. [..] They also want to break the "negative" stigma surrounding paedophilia by getting into parliament.

But the NVD says it is not just a one-issue party. It also wants children from the age of 12 to be able to vote; it promotes the legalisation of hard and soft drugs and free train travel for all.

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Judge Says Man Too Small for Prison

SIDNEY, Neb. - A judge said a 5-foot-1 man convicted of sexually assaulting a child was too small to survive in prison, and gave him 10 years of probation instead.

His crimes deserved a long sentence, District Judge Kristine Cecava said, but she worried that Richard W. Thompson, 50, would be especially imperiled by prison dangers.

"You are a sex offender, and you did it to a child," she said. But, she said, "That doesn't make you a hunter. You do not fit in that category."

Thompson will be electronically monitored the first four months of his probation, and he was told to never be alone with someone under age 18 or date or live with a woman whose children were under 18. Cecava also ordered Thompson to get rid of his pornography.

He faces 30 days of jail each year of his probation unless he follows its conditions closely.

"I want control of you until I know you have integrated change into your life," the judge told Thompson. "I truly hope that my bet on you being OK out in society is not misplaced."

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Junkie rocker Pete Doherty was hauled into court over a string of drug offences yesterday — and walked free. The heroin addict was let off with a rehabilitation order despite cops stopping him THREE times and finding hard drugs on him.

He could have got seven years. Young fans who had packed into court cheered and applauded. But anti-drugs crusaders were furious as Doherty walked free smiling from ear to ear.

Pete Doherty, has a new addiction. The Babyshambles frontman is buying old Jaguars, parking them illegally and buying replacements when they get towed away. He's now gone through eight Jags in as many weeks, London's Daily Mirror reports.

Doherty generally chooses cars that cost less than $2,000. When his last was towed, he went straight to his favorite vintage Jag dealer, quickly found a gray sedan he liked, slapped down the cash and drove off - a cigarette dangling from his lips all the while.

Pete Doherty has sunk to a new low of disgusting behaviour.

The Babyshambles singer squirted a syringe-full of his own blood at two MTV News cameramen after injecting heroin in view of the production team. The camera lens was splattered with Pete’s claret — leaving a horrified crew scared of infection and needing to sterilise thousands of pounds worth of filming equipment.

Doherty’s own bandmate Drew McConnell was so angry with the singer that he stormed off. It is only a fortnight since The Sun printed pictures of Pete sticking a syringe into a young girl fan’s arm.

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The only step remaining was the signature of President Vicente Fox, whose office indicated he would sign the bill, which Mexican officials hope will allow police to focus on large-scale trafficking operations rather than minor drug busts. "This law gives police and prosecutors better legal tools to combat drug crimes that do so much damage to our youth and children," said Fox's spokesman, Ruben Aguilar.

If Fox signs the measure and it becomes law, it could strain the two countries' cooperation in anti-drug efforts -- and increase the vast numbers of vacationing students who visit Mexico. Oscar Aguilar, a Mexico City political analyst, said Fox appeared almost certain to sign the law -- his office proposed it, and his party supports it -- and that he had apparently been betting that it would not draw much notice.

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The bill, passed 53-26 with one abstention by Mexico's Senate in the early morning hours, already has been approved in the lower house of Congress. It also stiffens penalties for trafficking and possession of drugs -- even small quantities -- by government employees or near schools, and maintains criminal penalties for drug sales.

The bill says criminal charges will no longer be brought for possession of up to 25 milligrams of heroin, 5 grams of marijuana (about one-fifth of an ounce, or about four joints), or 0.5 grams of cocaine -- the equivalent of about 4 "lines," or half the standard street-sale quantity (though half-size packages are becoming more common).

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OKLAHOMA CITY -- A police standoff ended early Tuesday with metro police discovering there was nobody in the house they were monitoring.

A seven-hour standoff near Southeast 59th Street and Bryant Avenue started as a drug investigation of a home in the area. Officers said they were worried about activity in the house, and they called for a tactical team.

For hours, according to reports, they tried to make contact with anybody in the house.

At about 3:30 a.m., agents approached the house but found nobody inside. A search of the area did not turn up any culprits; however, agents remain in the area looking for leads.

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Outraged by an incident in a University of Connecticut dormitory, the state Senate voted unanimously Tuesday to change the definition of sexual assault to include cases without direct physical contact.

Lawmakers were responding to the case of three UConn students accused of ejaculating onto a female student's face as she slept in a dormitory in September. The three men, who no longer attend the university, were charged with disorderly conduct and public indecency, but could not be charged with sexual assault under state law.

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"This may actually force potential, as well as existing, sexual predators to understand that ejaculating on a person's face is not in fact funny, normal, or an act that can easily be dismissed by a misdemeanor," she said. "Although the refinement of this law will not improve my situation or case, at least I'll be able to live at ease knowing that no other innocent person will be taken advantage of by both a sexual predator and by the law."

The new law would help restore "the pride, self-worth, and safety of myself and other women victimized by thoughtless individuals such as the three men who sexually violated me and will only be convicted of a misdemeanor at best," she said.

...

The three men, according to the affidavit, watched a pornographic video on a computer and took turns ejaculating on the student's face and body. When the woman woke up, she thought she had drooled on herself, the affivadit says. The next day, the affidavit says, Skvirsky sent the woman an instant message that stated that they "were really drunk" and had ejaculated on her.

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Brian J. Doyle, DOB 4/7/50, the Deputy Press Secretary for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's Office of Public Affairs in Washington, D.C., was arrested this evening at his residence in Silver Springs, Maryland, on 23 Polk County charges related to the use of a computer to seduce a child and transmitting harmful materials to a minor.

On March 12, 2006, Doyle contacted a 14-year-old girl whose profile was posted on the Internet, and initiated a sexually explicit conversation with her. The girl was actually an undercover Polk County Sheriff s Computer Crimes detective. Doyle knew that the girl was 14 years old, and he told her who he was and that he worked for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. During future online chats, Doyle gave the undercover detective posing as a 14-year-old girl his office phone number and his government-issued cell phone number, so that they could have telephone conversations, in addition to their online chatting. Doyle used the Internet to send hard-core pornographic movie clips to the girl and used the AOL Instant Messenger chat service to have explicit sexual conversations with her.

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Words cannot express
What I truly think of you
Wait, they can... "dumb cunt."

I grunt with delight
hot explosion in your cunt
semen oozes out

Someone once told me,
break my heart, break my hymen
Shit, I can do that.

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Soul singer Isaac Hayes has parted ways with the Comedy Central series "South Park," citing the series' "inappropriate ridicule of religious communities."

Hayes, who has voiced the character Chef since the series began in 1997, released a statement through his spokesman Monday requesting a release from his contract because he "is disappointed with what he perceives as a growing insensitivity toward personal spiritual beliefs."

In a rejoinder issued later in the day by Comedy Central, "Park" co-creator Matt Stone described Hayes as a disgruntled Scientologist unhappy with a recent episode lampooning the organization's religious beliefs.

"In 10 years and over 150 episodes of 'South Park,' Isaac never had a problem with the show making fun of Christians, Muslims, Mormons and Jews," Stone said in a statement in which he agreed to release Hayes from his contract. "He got a sudden case of religious sensitivity when it was his religion featured on the show."

LOS ANGELES -- "South Park" creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone may yet have the final word on Isaac Hayes' departure from the show.

The series, which has been the focus of much media speculation in the past week over Hayes leaving and Comedy Central's pulling of a Scientology-mocking episode, begins its 10th season Wednesday night with an episode called "The Return of Chef!" -- while making no mention of Hayes.

In the episode, Chef makes a "triumphant homecoming" to South Park (even prior to the "Trapped in the Closet" episode that apparently sparked Hayes' departure, the character hadn't been seen much for a while). The boys are glad to have their friend back, but "they notice that something about Chef seems different."

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MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - Kirby Puckett died Monday, a day after the Hall of Fame outfielder had a stroke at his Arizona home, a hospital spokeswoman said. He was 44.

Puckett, who led the Twins to two World Series titles before his career was cut short by glaucoma, was stricken Sunday morning. Even before Puckett's passing, his condition was weighing heavily on his former manager. "Tough day," former Twins manager Tom Kelly said Monday at the team's training camp in Fort Myers, Fla.

Kirby Puckett carried the Twins to World Series titles in 1987 and 1991. Glaucoma forced the Gold Glove center fielder and 10-time All-Star to retire in 1996 after 12 seasons with the Twins when he went blind in one eye.

Puckett was once a guest coach, too, after he retired in 1996, but he hasn't worked for the team since 2002. He has kept a low profile since being cleared of assault charges in 2003, when he was accused of groping a woman at a suburban Twin Cities restaurant.

Puckett had remained close with several people in the Twins organization, and he was one of baseball's most popular players throughout his 12-year career.

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AOL's Responses

Q: Given a list of search terms, can you produce a list of people who searched for that term, identified by IP address and/or cookie value?
Weinstein: No. Our systems are not configured to track individuals or groups of users who may have searched for a specific term or terms, and we would not comply with such a request.

Q: Do you ever purge these data, or set an expiration date of, for instance, two years or five years?
Weinstein: As stated on our searches results page, we currently save personally identifiable search data for up to 30 days. As stated above, users can delete that data at any time if they wish.

Google's Responses

Q: Given a list of search terms, can you produce a list of people who searched for that term, identified by IP address and/or cookie value?
Langdon: Yes. We can associate search terms with IP addresses and cookies, but not with users' names unless they are registered with Google.

Q: Do you ever purge these data, or set an expiration date of, for instance, two years or five years?
Langdon: We keep data for as long as it is useful. There are several uses, several of which are described in our privacy policy and FAQ. There isn't a specified period.

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LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Actor Chris Penn, brother of Sean Penn, was found dead Tuesday at a condominium near the beach in Santa Monica, police said.

Police said they discovered the 40-year-old actor's body around 4 p.m. Lt. Frank Fabrega said there were no obvious signs of foul play. Chris Penn's body was found inside the four-story condominium complex after police were called by someone from within the building, Fabrega said.

An autopsy will be conducted to determine the cause of death, authorities said.

Chris Penn's credits included "Mulholland Falls," "Rumble Fish," "All the Right Moves," "Footloose" and "Rush Hour." He also played Nice Guy Eddie Cabot in the 1992 Quentin Tarantino crime drama "Reservoir Dogs."

His late father, Leo Penn, directed television shows. His mother, Eileen Ryan, is an actress whose credits include "I Am Sam," "Magnolia" and "Parenthood." Another brother is musician Michael Penn.

Chris Penn's latest film, "The Darwin Awards," was scheduled to premiere Wednesday at the Sundance Film Festival.

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The Sun Online - Nervous TV bosses have axed an episode of South Park which OUTS a fictional Tom Cruise character as gay — because they are scared the real actor will SUE.

The wacky cartoon shows Hollywood star Cruise refusing to come out of a closet in a reference to rumours about his sexuality. His ex-wife Nicole Kidman and fellow Scientologist John Travolta are portrayed as trying to coax him out.

Nicole, 38, tells him: “Don’t you think this has gone on long enough? It’s time for you to come out of the closet. You’re not fooling anyone.”

The episode, called Trapped in the Closet, also features Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard criticising Cruise’s acting skills. The episode is entirely fictional and there is no suggestion that the events are true. It was shown in America last year but Cruise, 43, is believed to have threatened legal action if it is shown again. So it will not be screened on the Paramount channel on Friday as planned.

An insider said: “Tom is famously very litigious and will go to great lengths to protect his reputation. In the past year this has increased because he has been getting bad publicity over his over-the-top relationship with Katie Holmes. But Tom was said not to like the episode and Paramount just didn’t dare risk showing it again. It’s a shame that UK audiences will never see it because it’s very funny.”

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Man sues chatroom pals: I was humiliated beyond what 'no man could endure'

Mike Marlowe fully admits that he sometimes gave George Gillespie a hard time in that AOL chatroom. But never in his wildest imagination did he expect to be sued in court for what he characterized as "razzing." "We gave him crap," said Marlowe, a 33-year-old welder in Fayette, Ala. "I'm not going to deny it. I teased him and he teased me back. He gave it back better than he ever got it."

A generation ago, such petty personal beefs might have been settled with fists outside the corner bar, but now it's the Internet age — and Ohio resident George Gillespie instead filed a $25,000 lawsuit against two erstwhile cyber chums he met in the sprawling 900-room, mostly anonymous society that makes up AOL's chat universe.

Gillespie, 53, claims that Marlowe and Bob Charpentier, a 52-year-old Oregon resident, insulted him and harassed him in the AOL chatroom called "Romance — Older Men" to the point where it inflicted "severe emotional distress and physical injury that is of a nature no reasonable man could be expected to endure it."

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Charpentier said he first encountered Gillespie more than five years ago and at first, the two chatters were friendly. But Charpentier says he quickly became disenchanted by what he saw as Gillespie's mean streak. Things really turned ugly four years ago when Charpentier traveled to Kentucky to meet another chatroom regular, a woman who was also a friend of Gillespie's. The blind date did not go particularly well, and when Charpentier returned to he discovered that Gillespie had gone on the attack.

"He just came in slamming on me, saying all kinds of derogatory crap: that I was a fat, bald, broke old man who sits around in a rusted wheelchair," said Charpentier, who has a chronic back injury. "I don't even own a wheelchair."

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Happy Birthday Astridas

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Source:Associated Press Updated: 10:24 a.m. ET Jan. 8, 2006

SALT LAKE CITY - A movie theater owned by Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller abruptly changed its screening plans and decided not to show the film “Brokeback Mountain.”

The film, an R-rated Western gay romance story, was supposed to open Friday at the Megaplex at Jordan Commons in Sandy, a suburb of Salt Lake City. Instead it was pulled from the schedule.

A message posted at the ticket window read: “There has been a change in booking and we will not be showing ‘Brokeback Mountain.’ We apologize for any inconvenience.”

The film, starring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, is about two cowboys who discover feelings for one another. The two eventually marry women but rekindle their relationship over the years.

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Lindsay Lohan Admits Bulimia, Drug Use

(Jan. 4) -- Lindsay Lohan says she battled drug use and bulimia in an explosive interview that hit newsstands on Wednesday, just as news circulated that she was admitted into a Miami hospital for a severe asthma attack. The 19-year-old actress, whose acting and music careers along with her partying lifestyle have made her a paparazzi favorite, tells Vanity Fair that she was "sick," and that "I had people sit me down and say, 'You're going to die if you don't take care of yourself.'"Lohan also says she used drugs "a little," but then adds "I've gotten that out of my system. ... I don't want people to think that I've done ... you know what I mean? It's kind of a sore subject."

The "Mean Girls" star cites Hollywood pressures along with emotional scars left by both her erratic father and her breakup from her first celebrity boyfriend, "That '70s Show" star Wilmer Valderrama as causes for her downward spiral.Lohan credits "Saturday Night Live" producer Lorne Michaels with saving her from bulimia, saying he staged an intervention after she hosted the show. "I just started bawling," Lohan said of the incident. "I knew I had a problem, and I couldn't admit it. I saw that 'SNL' after I did it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms."Lohan also says her family was terrified of her physique. "My sister, she was scared. My brother called me, crying," Lohan said in the interview.The New York Post, reporting on the Vanity Fair article, says that the magazine was contacted by Lohan's publicist to try to have the references to drug use taken out of the story.

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