The New Economics of Dating
Part 1: Why Leave to
Love?
The following is a plea for sanity. In todays tough economic times it seems wholly irrational to expect somebody to spend what's left of their dwindling bank accounts in the sole pursuit of knocking one boot against the other. The days of Little Johnny and Sue going out to the malt shop for a five cent soda and two hours of play on the jukebox for a quarter are over. These days you're lucky to get a stick of gum for thirty cents, and that's if you're fortunate enough to not get raped and/or mugged (In that order) on your way to gas station.
Yes, it's a world full of broke, deranged people out there and it seems these days your safest bet is to just stay at home. You may say, “But Steve, how are we supposed to woo the opposite sex in our apartment/home? Shall we show them our mint collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards?” Well first of all, you should never start a sentence with “but.” That's just poor grammar. Secondly, the only time you should flash your collection of bubblegum cards to a girl is if you find out she has a deadly strain of hepatitis and you're trying to get her out of your place as fast as humanly possible without giving her even an inkling of fucking you. If that was too many words for you, then let me summarize: NO!
In a time full of financially insecure people, the thought of spending anywhere from twenty to two hundred dollars in the pursuit of finding a romantic partner, if only for one night, is ridiculous. Of course, if sex is your only end-goal, you'd be better off just visiting one of the legalized brothels located around our fair country. To the rest of us, dating is a chance to connect to somebody on a deeper emotional level. Fucking is just the icing on that particularly tasty cake.
So let's think of this objectively: Our goal is to get to know the other person, so how do we go forward with this plan? By going to movies where we aren't able to talk? By going out to restaurants to shovel food in our mouths? To me, these all seem like ridiculous ideas. You would think that if you really wanted to talk to the person, then you wouldn't occupy your mouth so much. That's why I suggest we all stay at home instead. Not only does it give you a chance to sit in a controlled environment and talk to the person but, to me, nothing is more romantic than a night on my comfy mattress, listening to Dan Fogelberg records, and shooting heroin into each other's necks. But then again, I am kind of a romantic at heart.
There are literally hundreds of reasons not to go out on expensive, noisy dates: Traffic, food poisoning, rude people ruining the mood, typhoid fever... All of these things can be so easily avoided by just having a nice, quiet evening at home. Getting a stranger to be comfortable enough to agree to spend time out of public view with you is another matter altogether. I find a combination of old world charm and Rohypnol helps.
If only it were so easy, right? Eventually you'll get hungry and that variety pack of Hot Pockets isn't exactly charming the pants off of your prospective mate. What's a poor, upright member of society supposed to do then? You can't very well wine and dine your date on dollar hamburgers and Big Gulps (But if you meet somebody who can, don't let them go; they're a keeper). In our next installment we will examine some tips to help the common miser pull off a romantic dinner date without breaking the bank. Or as I like to call it:
Part 2: What If the
Bitch Wants Dessert?
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The New Economics of Dating: Part 1
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