“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.”
-Swami Vivekananda
We all have many different goals in life, but most of us have one in common: To try and take as much happiness from this world as we can. These days it seems tougher to do, so we have to learn to appreciate what small gifts we receive each day.
Like when your girlfriend finally caves in and gives you anal.
Indeed, even a gopher hits oil every once in a while (Whatever the fuck that means) and not all of us are prepared for that moment. While it's always a possibility to write up a binding contract that forces your significant other to give you a two minute warning before the act takes place, it's not exactly the easiest way to go about this. As my grandfather used to say, “Anything that involves buttsex and lawyers is just a recipe for trouble.” Granted, he said this at my sisters wedding as a toast, but that doesn't make it any less true.
So what do when given this holiest of holy gifts from above? Well that's what we're here for, ladies and gentlemen. The boys at the Eluid Labs (Which consists of two guys sitting around in stained underwear coming up with clever euphemisms for the vagina; their latest effort: “the hobbit hole of Stankonia”) have come up with the following list to help guide you through this new and exciting voyage. Feel free to take the list and keep a copy next to your bed for easy access (Or above your bed, or tattooed on your mother's back, or where ever is handy).
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PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR DOING IT IN THE BUTT
Step #1: Don't freak out. Yes, this is really happening. You can call your friends later. Listen up.
Step #2: Act like it's not a big deal. Seem pleasantly surprised at the notion, as if you haven't been thinking about it every hour of every day since the two of you started dating/working together/caught eyes at an Incest Survivors Anonymous meeting.
Step #3: Set the mood. Now this will vary depending on your lover's personality. We've found that the most romantic time to have anal sex is during an insurrection of angry farmers who have overthrown the government and declared sodomy not only legal worldwide, but mandatory. At least for thirty seconds. This happens more often than people realize.
Step #4: Remember that, as excited as you are to be doing this, the whole experience is about the other person. Are they comfortable? Would they like a pillow? Is it too big? Why are you laughing? Quit laughing at me cunt or I'll stab you with a fucking fondue fork. How do you feel about that? That's right! You know who's in control! A- err... ahem... I digress.
Step #4a: Proper lubrication is highly important. I don't care how romantic you thought it was when Heath Ledger hocked a loogie in his palm and then proceeded to give Jake Gyllenhall what we all know Jake Gyllenhall has secretly wanted on the inside, pardon the pun, both in the movie and... well... in life. Fact of the matter is... that was just a movie. If you tried to enter somebody's anti-Jesus place with nothing but a handful of spit and maybe a cheery tune about a moppet chimney sweep named Nigel, Nigel, The Dirtiest Boy in the Dirtiest Hole, good luck. But if you really care about the person you're about to violate in probably the most heinous way imaginable, then be sure to use some decent lube. Also, cooking oil is not a lube. All it does is make your cock look like David Hasselhoff.
Step #5: Don't rush it. That anus isn't going anywhere (This is especially true if you lock the doors). Take your time. Explore it. Spleunkers don't just run balls-out into a cave and hope for the best. They take their time, get to know the lay of the land. They also familarize themselves with any potential dangers. In the case of anal sex, I'm speaking of booty gremlins. They're little gremlins that live inside of the booty. And if you stick your dick in there unprotected, the booty gremlins will chomp on it and then you'll like gay porn forever. This also happens more than people realize.
Step #6: If during anal sex you are overcome with the sudden urge to hum your favorite theme song... go with it. This is completely natural and wholly appropriate. In fact, the only times humming during anal sex are inappropriate are either if you are tone deaf or in the middle of a funeral.
Step #7: Upon climax, be polite and ask where your lover would like you to deposit said climax. Remember, they have just given you the greatest gift known to man since the invention of jalapeno flavored flush-able wet naps. It is your job, nay, your duty to honor their wishes no matter how crazy they may be. If they tell you they want it in Cleveland and you live in West Virginia, then you better hop into a car, drive as fast as possible, and get there in time to bust a nut all over Jacobs Field, ya hear me?! Unless they want you to cum on one of their pets, which is just fucking sick and wrong (And, yes, a little sexy, but I digress again) and you should get the hell out of there immediately.
And there you have it. With this guide in your mind, and your heart, you can never go wrong when performing anal sex. Unless you get AIDS from it. Then you're kinda fucked. Unless you're rich, in which case, you're cool. (Editors note: lookin at you Magic Johnson! *thumbs up*)
Happy Easter, motherfuckers!
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