http://www.eluid.org/index.php Eluid - Always Dirty. en-US hourly 1 2000-01-01T12:00+00:00 http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2010/05/28/hayley_williams_of_paramore_topless 2010-05-28T06:08:49Z smurf Celebrities The Internet strikes again. Usually the only controversy from Twitter comes from a celebrity saying something stupid and having to apologize for it. This time it's a little bit more interesting. Singer Hayley Williams of the emo band Paramore "accidentally" Twitpic'ed (or Titpic'ed?) a photo of herself topless. Now first off, to have a topless picture of yourself on your cell phone is a pretty big jump off the arrogant/attention-whore diving board. She has also claimed that she got hacked and didn't really upload the picture. Seriously? We're supposed to believe that some random guy got on her cell phone to upload this but she regained control 4 minutes later when she took the picture down? ANYWAY, it may not as revealing as the Ashley Greene nudes nor as funny as the rumored sextape of Sandra Bullock smearing poop on her lip but click the image below to see Hayley Williams of Paramore naked. Thanks Internet, we owe you one. Ashley Greene nudes]]> http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2010/05/26/gone_and_best_forgotten 2010-05-26T21:52:40Z bunksteve Entertainment Well, the Lost finale has come and gone. I personally found the ending satisfying, although was irked that they would let a lot of plot threads like that go. But ultimately I understand that the show was always about how these characters affect each other, and with that in mind, I found the ending quite touching. However, if you're an internet critic (Especially a fat bearded guy who writes for Chud and just can't seem to let shit go), the finale caused more grief than you may know how to cope with... Luckily, we're here to help you out with our 7 Stages of LOST Finale Grief: http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2010/04/04/a_quick_visual_based_update 2010-04-04T18:09:33Z bunksteve General Some random Photoshoppery I came up with this week. Enjoy: Also, in keeping with the holidays... http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2010/03/29/fuck_automatic_doors 2010-03-29T21:06:35Z bunksteve General Fuck automatic doors. Seriously, fuck them. They are the perfect example of technology we never needed, nor ever requested in the first place. As far as I can remember we really hadn't had too many problems mastering the technique of doors. It was pretty simple. If the thing said push, you pushed. If the thing said pull, well... you get the idea. So who decided that automatic doors were necessary? Well not to get too much into the history, but automatic doors were invented in the mid-1950's in Corpus Christi. The reasoning behind them was that the crosswinds going through C.C. were so strong that it would rip the doors from people's hands. So an automatic door system started out as a very practical thing. Of course, it was only a matter of time before lazy-fuck people found a way to exploit it for their own personal needs. And this is my biggest problem with automatic doors. Not only are they an excuse for us to continue to be the slovenly, inactive buttholes we usually are, but somewhere between the 1960's and today, automatic doors killed chivalry. We suddenly became too busy to take three seconds out of our day to hold a door open for somebody. And even though this doesn't seem like a big deal, to me it's the signal of the end of humanity. Currently technology is finding ways to get rid of those little random acts of kindness that I feel are keeping us in check. I've talked to people who were on the verge of pulling a Virginia Tech and all it took to snap them out was some small, kind gesture. Opening a door, helping somebody pick up something they drop. Things that won't necessarily ruin our lives if we take the time out to help others. I know this article kind of goes against the ethos of Eluid. Caring and compassion are not exactly our banner flags on this site. But this is no longer putting on an attitude to appear cool. What we are witnessing is the systematic dismembering of our civilization. It starts with losing the need, as well as the urge, to open doors for people. Soon, we'll have fewer and fewer reasons to help each other out and... in a matter of time, we will have become complete self-absorbed assholes. We'll start saying that other people have to take care of themselves, no matter what their situation. A prime example of this can be found in politics. If any of you were curious how politicians can seem so cold towards those who have nothing... How human beings can look at other fellow human beings suffer endlessly and respond with a simple shrug of indifference... you have your answer now. Motherfucking, cocksucking automatic doors. And don't even get me started on vibrators. http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2010/02/25/proper_etiquette_for_anal_sex 2010-02-25T23:31:30Z bunksteve General “Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” -Swami Vivekananda We all have many different goals in life, but most of us have one in common: To try and take as much happiness from this world as we can. These days it seems tougher to do, so we have to learn to appreciate what small gifts we receive each day. Like when your girlfriend finally caves in and gives you anal. Indeed, even a gopher hits oil every once in a while (Whatever the fuck that means) and not all of us are prepared for that moment. While it's always a possibility to write up a binding contract that forces your significant other to give you a two minute warning before the act takes place, it's not exactly the easiest way to go about this. As my grandfather used to say, “Anything that involves buttsex and lawyers is just a recipe for trouble.” Granted, he said this at my sisters wedding as a toast, but that doesn't make it any less true. So what do when given this holiest of holy gifts from above? Well that's what we're here for, ladies and gentlemen. The boys at the Eluid Labs (Which consists of two guys sitting around in stained underwear coming up with clever euphemisms for the vagina; their latest effort: “the hobbit hole of Stankonia”) have come up with the following list to help guide you through this new and exciting voyage. Feel free to take the list and keep a copy next to your bed for easy access (Or above your bed, or tattooed on your mother's back, or where ever is handy).----- PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR DOING IT IN THE BUTT Step #1: Don't freak out. Yes, this is really happening. You can call your friends later. Listen up. Step #2: Act like it's not a big deal. Seem pleasantly surprised at the notion, as if you haven't been thinking about it every hour of every day since the two of you started dating/working together/caught eyes at an Incest Survivors Anonymous meeting. Step #3: Set the mood. Now this will vary depending on your lover's personality. We've found that the most romantic time to have anal sex is during an insurrection of angry farmers who have overthrown the government and declared sodomy not only legal worldwide, but mandatory. At least for thirty seconds. This happens more often than people realize. Step #4: Remember that, as excited as you are to be doing this, the whole experience is about the other person. Are they comfortable? Would they like a pillow? Is it too big? Why are you laughing? Quit laughing at me cunt or I'll stab you with a fucking fondue fork. How do you feel about that? That's right! You know who's in control! A- err... ahem... I digress. Step #4a: Proper lubrication is highly important. I don't care how romantic you thought it was when Heath Ledger hocked a loogie in his palm and then proceeded to give Jake Gyllenhall what we all know Jake Gyllenhall has secretly wanted on the inside, pardon the pun, both in the movie and... well... in life. Fact of the matter is... that was just a movie. If you tried to enter somebody's anti-Jesus place with nothing but a handful of spit and maybe a cheery tune about a moppet chimney sweep named Nigel, Nigel, The Dirtiest Boy in the Dirtiest Hole, good luck. But if you really care about the person you're about to violate in probably the most heinous way imaginable, then be sure to use some decent lube. Also, cooking oil is not a lube. All it does is make your cock look like David Hasselhoff. Step #5: Don't rush it. That anus isn't going anywhere (This is especially true if you lock the doors). Take your time. Explore it. Spleunkers don't just run balls-out into a cave and hope for the best. They take their time, get to know the lay of the land. They also familarize themselves with any potential dangers. In the case of anal sex, I'm speaking of booty gremlins. They're little gremlins that live inside of the booty. And if you stick your dick in there unprotected, the booty gremlins will chomp on it and then you'll like gay porn forever. This also happens more than people realize. Step #6: If during anal sex you are overcome with the sudden urge to hum your favorite theme song... go with it. This is completely natural and wholly appropriate. In fact, the only times humming during anal sex are inappropriate are either if you are tone deaf or in the middle of a funeral. Step #7: Upon climax, be polite and ask where your lover would like you to deposit said climax. Remember, they have just given you the greatest gift known to man since the invention of jalapeno flavored flush-able wet naps. It is your job, nay, your duty to honor their wishes no matter how crazy they may be. If they tell you they want it in Cleveland and you live in West Virginia, then you better hop into a car, drive as fast as possible, and get there in time to bust a nut all over Jacobs Field, ya hear me?! Unless they want you to cum on one of their pets, which is just fucking sick and wrong (And, yes, a little sexy, but I digress again) and you should get the hell out of there immediately. And there you have it. With this guide in your mind, and your heart, you can never go wrong when performing anal sex. Unless you get AIDS from it. Then you're kinda fucked. Unless you're rich, in which case, you're cool. (Editors note: lookin at you Magic Johnson! *thumbs up*) Happy Easter, motherfuckers! http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2010/01/07/happy_new_year_resolutions 2010-01-08T03:26:11Z bunksteve General It's a new year. And while the majority of the Eluid staff managed to stay out of prison, we can't rightly say we acted like angels either. So we'd like to take a moment and make a list of things we need to change about ourselves and the site. Without further ado, we proudly present:Eluid's Resolutions for 2010----- More Site UpdatesYes, we know. Site updates are more rare than level-headed discussion about feminist politics on this site. And there's very good reason for this: We're fucking busy, okay? We have lives outside of this website... well... most of us do... besides... all this meth isn't gonna cook itself.----- No More Midget JokesEven we know when enough is enough, and it's high-time we take a break from poking fun at our stubby-legged, bug-eyed brethren (And sistren). You heard it here first, folks! 2010 is the year for making fun of crippled Hispanics!----- More Naked, Slutty Celebs Pics/Fun Celebrity DeathsGod pulled a major year-end coup by pwning Brittany Murphy's face. That's not to say we hated Brittany Murphy, but to be frank... If we saw one more shot of her looking wild-eyed and vacant into the camera lens while a Peter Gabriel song was playing, we might have had to rip her heart out ourselves. Oh, also... The Lohan is slowly coming unglued. It's only a matter of time before she does a photo shoot for Esquire that involves her stuffing as many NFL linebackers into her frightened, abused asshole before it finally becomes the cold, vacuous black hole that it was always destined to become and sucks humanity inward, collapsing it out of existence. But you know... tastefully done.----- Charity Work!You may be asking yourself what charity work Eluid could possibly even consider, but trust me... keeping smurf away from Elementary School Carnival Kissing Booths and The Gap is practically the “AIDS cure” of charities. Except for that charity where they're actually trying to cure AIDS. That one's closer. http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2009/12/22/merry_seasons_bitches 2009-12-23T00:53:52Z bunksteve General http://www.eluid.org/index.php/2009/11/08/the_new_economics_of_dating_part_1 2009-11-08T07:52:25Z bunksteve General The New Economics of Dating Part 1: Why Leave to Love? The following is a plea for sanity. In todays tough economic times it seems wholly irrational to expect somebody to spend what's left of their dwindling bank accounts in the sole pursuit of knocking one boot against the other. The days of Little Johnny and Sue going out to the malt shop for a five cent soda and two hours of play on the jukebox for a quarter are over. These days you're lucky to get a stick of gum for thirty cents, and that's if you're fortunate enough to not get raped and/or mugged (In that order) on your way to gas station. Yes, it's a world full of broke, deranged people out there and it seems these days your safest bet is to just stay at home. You may say, “But Steve, how are we supposed to woo the opposite sex in our apartment/home? Shall we show them our mint collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards?” Well first of all, you should never start a sentence with “but.” That's just poor grammar. Secondly, the only time you should flash your collection of bubblegum cards to a girl is if you find out she has a deadly strain of hepatitis and you're trying to get her out of your place as fast as humanly possible without giving her even an inkling of fucking you. If that was too many words for you, then let me summarize: NO! In a time full of financially insecure people, the thought of spending anywhere from twenty to two hundred dollars in the pursuit of finding a romantic partner, if only for one night, is ridiculous. Of course, if sex is your only end-goal, you'd be better off just visiting one of the legalized brothels located around our fair country. To the rest of us, dating is a chance to connect to somebody on a deeper emotional level. Fucking is just the icing on that particularly tasty cake. So let's think of this objectively: Our goal is to get to know the other person, so how do we go forward with this plan? By going to movies where we aren't able to talk? By going out to restaurants to shovel food in our mouths? To me, these all seem like ridiculous ideas. You would think that if you really wanted to talk to the person, then you wouldn't occupy your mouth so much. That's why I suggest we all stay at home instead. Not only does it give you a chance to sit in a controlled environment and talk to the person but, to me, nothing is more romantic than a night on my comfy mattress, listening to Dan Fogelberg records, and shooting heroin into each other's necks. But then again, I am kind of a romantic at heart. There are literally hundreds of reasons not to go out on expensive, noisy dates: Traffic, food poisoning, rude people ruining the mood, typhoid fever... All of these things can be so easily avoided by just having a nice, quiet evening at home. Getting a stranger to be comfortable enough to agree to spend time out of public view with you is another matter altogether. I find a combination of old world charm and Rohypnol helps. If only it were so easy, right? Eventually you'll get hungry and that variety pack of Hot Pockets isn't exactly charming the pants off of your prospective mate. What's a poor, upright member of society supposed to do then? You can't very well wine and dine your date on dollar hamburgers and Big Gulps (But if you meet somebody who can, don't let them go; they're a keeper). In our next installment we will examine some tips to help the common miser pull off a romantic dinner date without breaking the bank. Or as I like to call it: Part 2: What If the Bitch Wants Dessert?